Crack House (1989)

This movie really gave me pause about the wisdom of my daughter’s goal to be a crack house whore when she grows up. There’s of course the beatings and belt whippings that Jim Brown’s Steadman character administers, the hot showers he forces you to take because nobody likes a stinky ass crack house whore, and the gang bang from Steadman’s crew that awaits you once Steadman tires of brutalizing you. All of that though is pretty much what you’re signing up for, right? And besides, you’re getting all the narcotics you can use, so it’s not like you’re doing it for free. Continue reading

SWAT: Warhead One (2004)

A team of elite Russian mercenaries against a Navy Seal squad led by Luc Remy! At stake is Warhead One, only the most freaking awesome weapon prototype ever conceived by the most cut rate CGI imaginable!

Deployed to the ship carrying Warhead One a few hours after getting the call (How long does it take these mercs to crate the thing up? I’m guessing multiple vodka breaks were involved.), Remy’s squad is immediately beset by some bad luck when one of their helicopters blows up and throws its rotor into their other helicopter, turning the freighter into a raging inferno! Continue reading

The Boy Who Stole the Elephant (1970)

For those hoping that The Boy Who Stole the Elephant is like an Anarchist’s Cookbook for how to make off with circus animals, you will likely be underwhelmed with little British orphan boy Davey’s scheme to spirit away his soulmate, Queenie. He simply walks out of the circus tent with her in the middle of the night! While there is a certain genius in the simplicity of this plan, he didn’t count on one thing – James Bond’s biggest toothache of them all, Jaws! Continue reading

Midnight Heat (1996)

The problem with leading a double life is that once you get run over by a car and catch a dose of amnesia, it makes things twice as hard to remember! Not only do you have the people in your current life harassing you at home and at work trying to get you to remember all the little moronic things you never really cared about in the first place (I work at a bank dealing with farm loans? Doc, I need a refill on my memory loss, stat!), but you’ve also got all the cool, dreamlike flashbacks from your old, much more awesome life (Did I just get jumped into a white supremacy prison gang and rob a bank? Sweet!). Continue reading

Where Time Began (1977)

Intensive research. Months of planning. Designing and testing cutting edge equipment. Recruiting and training an elite team of crew members. This is the bare minimum necessary when undertaking a mission of exploration into the unknown, whether it be into deep space, the bottom of the ocean or even straight into the center of the Earth. Taking a shortcut on even one of those things will almost certainly lead to disaster! Neglecting all of them? Almost certainly will lead to a cheesy period fantasy movie! Continue reading

The Boogens (1981)

All of the deaths caused by those grody cave creatures, the Boogens, can be laid directly at the feet of that crazy old man Greenwalt. If he had properly done his job as the town kook, maybe everybody wouldn’t have been so surprised when a scaly tentacle wrapped around their leg or a bony claw slashed their throat leading them to bleed out all over the floor. Continue reading

Slugs (1988)

If you’ve ever thought about chopping up a slug to put in a salad and then eating that salad this is the film that will have you reconsidering your culinary curiosity!

It turns out those tasty slime logs are loaded with deadly parasites and you don’t want to find that out the hard way like one of the characters did during a business lunch when he was on the verge of getting the big contract signed. As any great business person would tell you, part of the art of the deal is not having your face explode at the negotiating table! Continue reading

Wild Beasts (1984)

At first glance it seems sensible to be concerned for the children’s safety when the polar bear attacks the ballet school. After all, the lumbering brute is just part of a whole group of animals rampaging across the city after drinking some bad zoo water. Rats are eating cats and people, Cheetahs are racing Volkswagens and folks are getting strangled by elephant trunks! What chance do a bunch of wimpy dance kids have against the most dangerous animal to ever enjoy an ice cold Coke? Continue reading

The Missing Are Deadly (1975)

Could the Margolin Lab really have anticipated that its progressive “Take Your Simpleton Brother to Work Day” would go so very wrong? Who would have ever guessed that leaving the moronic Jeff alone in the Director’s office would result in Jeff smuggling a plague-ridden mouse to accompany him on his and his brother’s camping trip? Sure the Lab director was also his dad and his brother who brought him knew of his unhealthy obsession with small rodents. But other than those two, no one could have possibly had any idea! Continue reading

The Death of Me Yet (1971)

At the height of the Cold War, the Soviet Union stopped at nothing to get the drop on the good old US of A! Recruiting their best and brightest to serve as infiltrators, the Reds spared no expense, going so far as to build an exact replica of a small town so perfect in its appearance, it looked like Warner Brothers’ Midwest Street backlot set! Later in the movie, the very same set was used again, this time pretending to be a small town in Arizona, the explanation being that the Russians used that town as the model for their own fake town! Whatever, it looks like you just watched The Music Man too many times! Continue reading