Cyborg Cop (1993)

Cyborg Cop PosterThis is a tale of two brothers. For them, it was the most action-packed of times, it was the most sweat-drenched of times.

One brother got himself doublecrossed on a mission in the Caribbean. Left for dead by the DEA after a mission goes horribly wrong, he falls into the hands of the local evil drug lord/cyborg developer and is fashioned into the most cybernetic cop of all time! Robocop? Whatever! That guy was all robo and stuff! Cyborg Cop is what the cool kids like to have their ass kicked by!

Cyborg Cop is so much better than Robocop because he doesn’t look like a robot, but instead looks like Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation! That means instead of a snazzy silver helmet and shiny metallic skin with smart black accents, Cyborg Cop pretty much looks like you or me except that his hair is slicked back and his face is that light yellowish color that Data made so popular for cyborgs on a budget back in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

And just because Cyborg Cop doesn’t look like much, doesn’t mean that he can’t hold his own against the other cyborg milling around the drug lord’s estate. The battle these two have is so epic, they don’t brawl so much as lumber deliberately, every blow struck by a large metal pole accentuated with animated sparks!

And Cyborg Cop has a secret weapon, too! He still retains the emotions of his previous life! This means that when the drug lord (Kessel) orders him to kill his brother, he instead helps his brother out!

Okay, it wasn’t really that secret a weapon since Kessel’s scientist told him they hadn’t had a chance to erase his emotions, but can you really fault Kessel for hoping that deep down the guy hated his brother and would pretend that he was going all cyborg on his bro just as an excuse to lay a beatdown on him?

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But don’t worry, this isn’t some wispy new age cyborg who wonders what it’s like to be real boy or whatever. He has no problem snapping his traitorous best friend’s neck when he is asked.

For all the glamor that is Cyborg Cop though and despite being the title character, Cyborg Cop pretty much takes a back seat to his brother, Greaser Cop. Greaser Cop (David Bradley) is even sweeter than Cyborg Cop because he is all too human! And greasy!

Greaser Cop makes his mark running around this swelteringly hot island nation in a leather jacket, belt with gold studs, black fanny pack, and some seriously jacked up hair that made me think I was watching a midget version of Andrew Dice Clay.

For his part, director Sam Firstenberg has one of the coolest resumes in cinema. He directed all you favorite ninja movies such as Revenge Of The Ninja, Ninja III: The Domination, American Ninja and American Ninja II. A lot of your favorite movies with the word “force” in the title came from Sam as well, including Avenging Force, Delta Force 3: The Killing Game, and Operation Delta Force. He also teamed with Greaser Cop again to make Cyborg Cop II, American Samurai and Blood Warriors. Not a bad lifetime’s work. For about ten directors!

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Sam obviously knows what it takes to make a movie about a guy running drugs who decides to get into the cyborg assassin game. It takes lots of explosions!

It also takes Greaser Cop on a motorbike battling a cyborg to the death! I hate to just skip right to the end of the movie, but it was everything that a motorbike vs. killing machine ought to be! While all the cops stand around and watch, Greaser Cop drives his motorbike back and forth, taunting the cyborg until he gets up a good head of steam, jumps the bike in the air and decapitates the cyborg with the bike’s wheel in mid-flight! Hollywood should have just given Sam Firstenberg and David Bradley a lifetime pension for service to their industry right then and there!

You don’t make pretty much every great Cannon Pictures action movie of the 1980s by saving up all the good stuff for the end though! Greaser Cop is actually an ex-DEA agent! He had to quit the force due to a controversial shooting of a suspect! If you really care about the details, you can read the newspaper headlines as they fly by in the montage!

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When Greaser Cop finds out that Cyborg Cop was left behind on this island, he mounts a one man rescue mission that he immediately compromises by teaming up with a nosy reporter! They bicker, they screw, they hunt for clues at the local morgue. It’s a solid action movie relationship.

The film also allows Greaser Cop to demonstrate a nice variety of violent and aggressive behavior. He beats up half the DEA in a bar fight when he’s trying to get information on his brother. He beats up half of Kessel’s guys when they try to kidnap him from a bar on the island. He kills the other half of Kessel’s guys when he invades Kessel’s compound. He gets involved in a Dukes Of Hazzard-style car chase with the local authorities and he even electrocutes a cyborg! (You have to wonder why Kessel bothered with all this cyborg stuff when there’s perfectly good humans like Greaser Cop running around that can wreak the kind of havoc a legion of cyborgs, Robocops, Terminators, and Predators could only fantasize about.)

The movie is so perfectly tuned that the storyline about a little brat that Cyborg Cop was going to adopt was wrapped up as the credits rolled! Time spent talking about the adoption during the actual movie would have just been time away from cyborgs punching their fists through guys’ heads! Without question, the very best combination of Robocop and The Lords Of Flatbush out there!

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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