Au Pair Girls (1972)

Au Pair Girls DVD CoverAccording to the liner notes, Au Pair Girls was trying to capitalize on a fad that was sweeping across Britain at the time. Supposedly it was the “in” thing to do to have yourself an au pair girl. I guess some genius came up with the idea that since British women were so fugly, they would import chicks from better looking countries (Denmark, Sweden, the South Pacific) to come and do light household chores around the home. Light household chores like the husband.

If you like 1970s-style kitsch, you’ll be right at home as soon as this thing starts up. The opening shots are of airplanes taking off and landing to the peppy strains of one of those theme songs that deserves as much notoriety as possible for its nauseating tune and lame lyrical attempt to sing about au pair girls.

Once we actually get to the airport, we follow around a few of these au pair girls. They seem to come clothed in their home country’s traditional attire – the bra-less miniskirt look or the bra-less short dress look, depending upon nationality.

In one sequence pilots are following one of the au pairs as she wiggles her way through the terminal. The loudspeaker calls them to some other part of the airport and they all turn in unison and go back the way they came. It reminded me of a Mentos commercial only except that this movie lasted almost an hour and a half instead of thirty seconds.

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This is an ambitious movie though, so we have four story lines to follow throughout the proceedings, giving it a kind of Love Boat or Fantasy Island feel, where we all start out together, periodically check in on each subject and end up back together.

There was a blonde chick from one of those blonde countries up by the north pole. You know, the kind that speaks English in such a garbled way that everything she says is some type of sexual innuendo that any ten year old and fan of these types of movies would snicker at.

The main thing about this particular au pair is that she actually seems to be mentally disabled. As soon as she gets to the office (she’s already made a date with the guy who drove her from the airport) all she wants to know about the family she’s been assigned to is whether they have a color television. When she gets to the house, the first thing she asks the old hag wife is whether they have a color television. Then she is shown to her room and immediately strips down in front of this woman and demands to take a shower!

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Meanwhile, the au pair named Randi is supposed to be going to some rich guy’s house. The son picks her up at the airport and they never quite make it back home. He spends most of his time pawing at her in the car and eventually, they get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere.

They end up waiting around at a barn while their tire gets fixed. I think most of us are old enough to know what goes on in barns, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise when Randi gets her dress caught on a nail and it rips. She blames the guy who’s been pawing her and cries rape a few times, rips her dress again, and cries rape some more before finally falling out of the hay loft and into a water trough.

I really didn’t have any idea what was going on at this point in time, except that I knew she better get out of those wet clothes before she catches a cold or something. Of course once she does that, she ends up rolling around with this guy.

These two morons spend the rest of the movie driving around trying to figure out where to get her a spare set of clothes. She’s wrapped up in a blanket so I don’t know why he just can’t take her home and then go to a store and pick something up, but then if they played it smart like that we wouldn’t have had that pointless scene with the nude photographer where she gets a bucket of water dumped on her head.

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They other story lines consisted of the Asian au pair getting put up and putting out in a country manor house where there’s this young guy who’s been really sheltered (he likes to play on a swing!) and I guess needs some hooker, I mean au pair, to show him the ropes, because she’s there for about ten minutes and the next thing you know, he’s laying in bed smoking a cigarette and talking about showing her some new positions the next go around!

The fourth au pair ends up going out with the daughter of her employers to some concert where this “rock star” who looks like a skinny biker (but sounds like the middle aged white guy singing the title song) beds her down and teaches her what the phrases “one night stand” and “groupie sex” mean.

Not nearly as dirty, funny or entertaining (much of it is just as stupid as the au pairs themselves) as it was surely supposed to be, the appeal of Au Pair Girls to modern audiences is surely limited to those who have a hankering for dull British sex comedies. You homely British chicks should definitely keep this from your men though so they don’t get any ideas on how you can be “helped” out around the house.

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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