Mystère (1983)

MystereCoverPresumably the French high-priced call girl Mystère is supposed to be a super sexy broad what with her heavily made up face and flawless features. Why else is everyone prepared to pay her something along the lines of $1000 to sleep with her? Personally, I found her just a bit on the nasty side of super skeevy since she turned three freaking tricks in a single night! Later on when she’s trying to escape a would-be killer, I was just thankful that she could still walk, let alone scurrying around her roof in an effort to fend him off!

Being the busiest/skankiest whore in Rome still doesn’t prevent Mystère from getting mixed up in a barely developed plot to cover up an assassination and teaming up with bad boy American homicide cop Inspector Colt to outwit the killers. And if you thought that Mystère was a bit on the grody side, Inspector Colt turns out to be just as scuzzy in his own way.

Within minutes of meeting Mystère, he manages to announce that he likes exotic women – “brown sugar” is how is also describes his preferences, that he doesn’t need his job to get laid, and he delivers a stinging backhand to her face when she doesn’t immediately answer his questions! Of course, it was entirely possible that Mystère could have thought she was just in the middle of a trick who was into some pretty intense headgames!

For those of us who like our hookers filthy and our cops abusive, these two get quite a bit of screen time since there isn’t much else happening. Mystère, as you would expect, has a hooker friend who gets herself slashed after stealing a lighter that contains pictures of an assassination which reveal the shooter.

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Through a chain of events that is fairly routine in these Italian murder movies and totally preposterous in real life, the killers come to believe that Mystère has the lighter and go after her. At least until they become convinced that Colt has the lighter and go after him.

The killers don’t demonstrate a whole lot of professionalism in their attempts to regain the lighter since they manage to kill people before actually confirming that they have the correct lighter. When a corrupt cop notices that Colt has the lighter, he later goes to Colt’s house to get it and allows Colt to see him which necessitates that he kill Colt.

And it necessitates that he kill Colt, not by quickly shooting him, but by making him take off all his clothes, draw a nice bath, climb into the tub, and then slowly lower a plugged in electric razor into the tub which gives Mystère all the time in the world to get up to his apartment and rescue Colt! She even has time to argue with one of Colt’s Brown Sugars!

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Colt and Mystère demonstrate far more proficiency in handling all this killer business than the professional killers when they proceed to use the dead corrupt cop’s body two different times to trick the remaining killers into thinking that they had killed both of them.

Mystère even comments on how it was lucky they decided not to ditch the body! She may be walking bowlegged, but it isn’t like that’s the part of her body she’s got to do her thinking with!

In an effort to resolve things, Colt has a summit meeting with the killers at a local bath house and after a lot of blather about how can so and so trust so and so, it’s arranged that the lighter will be exchanged for a million dollars.

Colt pulls a little doublecross at the end of the movie, but then the movie pulls a little doublecross on the audience!

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Right at the point you’re hoping that this whole forgettable affair will start rolling its credits, it instead flashes the most dreaded word in the bad movie universe: “Epilogue.”

Director Carlo Vanzina (probably best known for the relatively obscure models-getting-slashed flick Nothing Underneath) can’t leave well enough alone and forces us to go to Japan with Colt where he’s living the high life, riding around in rickshaws and ordering up hookers to his hotel room. At least it isn’t like he’s letting that money really change who he is!

To be fair to this movie (released on home video in the U.S. as Dagger Eyes), this does give us the fight where Colt and his nunchucks take on the Russian killer and his knife. To be equally fair to this movie, the fight kind of sucked, Mystère ended up holding a gun on everyone and the Russian fell off the balcony. To be doubly equally fair to the viewer, you’ll be left feeling like a Roman prostitute who just got through a particularly busy shift.

© 2014 MonsterHunter

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