Elsa Fraulein SS (1977)

elsafrauleincoverThe opening credits paraded by over a bunch of black and white newsreel footage of Nazis doing stuff like marching around and saluting one another. I thought some practical joker at the DVD plant had pulled a fast one on me and snuck a History Channel documentary in there. The only thing missing was a slightly bored narrator droning on about “the German war machine” and “France immediately surrendered.”

Thankfully, after the opening was over a bunch of unconvincing Germans in crisp, new uniforms (straight from the costume shop to the set!) were shown walking around what must have been a local park.

Now that the fact that we’ve had what we in the business call the “establishing shot” (i.e. we’ve established that this is going to be a low budget movie with little to no imagination), the story begins to come into focus, though you’ll be left wondering whether you still need a stronger prescription after getting a look at it.

It’s 1943 and the Nazis are having problems. There’s lots of whiners, traitors, cry-babies, and bad apples gumming up the works in the Reich and Hitler has figured out that if he just gets rid of all the Nazis with bad attitudes, he could really start beating up Johnny Yank and all those guys from other countries that pitched in by gassing up our planes and stuff like that.

But how does a ruthless dictatorship root out non-believers? What to do? What to do? Suddenly, an officer has a plan! Let’s load up a train full of German hookers and travel to the front, servicing all the troops!

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Okay, okay. I can see the wisdom in that plan – if you happen to be one of the guys at the front getting serviced, but how in the world does it help to reveal all the low down dirty dogs in their midst?

And with such a great plan in the works, who should be the one running it? What about the guy that thought it up? Nope. He’s being executed for thinking it up. Loose lips sink slut ships and all that I suppose.

What about Major Franz’s girlfriend, Elsa? Great idea! But just who is Major Franz and his girlfriend Elsa? Franz is an old white-haired dude who might remind you of that old white-haired dude from the Police Academy movies, but with a badly dubbed accent and drinking problem. Elsa is of course his girlfriend/prostitute.

Franz has become disaffected with the Nazi war effort and sees it as the ruination of Germany and can’t wait for it to be over. Elsa is really pumped up about getting selected to be the conductor on the Orgasm Express and is outraged that Franz is such an anti-war pansy. But she’s especially outraged that he can’t get it up without getting drunk.

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The train is bugged so that Elsa can listen in on everyone’s conversations. When the officers are with the girls on board, they talk about how much they think Hitler is a big poopy-head and then Elsa busts in with the Gestapo and has the offending guy shot. This is exactly the sort of scheming you would expect from the brain trust that invaded Russia in the middle of winter and who allied themselves with Italy.

With a total of around eight hookers, this doesn’t impress me as a very thorough plan. These poor gals are going to be plum wore out by the time they get through “interviewing” the entire German army! And that’s assuming that every guy who’s no good is going to be talking politics while getting laid!

For added drama’s sake, the resistance has a hooker-spy planted on board the Whoretrain. For reasons that must have been top secret, even to the viewer, Major Franz shows up on the train. He fights with his old lady and eventually ends up in the arms of the hooker-spy.

He convinces her that he’s sick of the war and volunteers to deliver a message about the train to the resistance guys hiding in the woods near one of the stops.

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Meanwhile, Elsa has discovered the hooker-spy’s identity and is engaging in some low level torture of her (half-hearted whipping followed up by some unconvincing acid that looked like Mountain Dew). After hooker-spy cracks, Franz returns but is not greeted warmly and ends up hiding under the train. Later the train gets attacked by the resistance and Franz and Elsa end up having a show down in a forest.

This movie committed the cardinal sin of all bad scuzzy films: it wasn’t hardly scuzzy at all! What’s the point of wallowing through suspect subject matter, crap story, minimal production values, and a dubbed soundtrack if nothing sickening is going to take place?

Early on you’re thinking that this one is going to be memorably yucky since Franz ends up licking Elsa’s boots after one of their fights. But that’s it. You cut out some dirty words and some routine bumping and grinding between the whores and the officers and this thing could play on regular TV without any problem.

Elsa Fraulein SS just doesn’t have nearly enough juice in its caboose to prevent it from merely being the little engine that could only inspire disinterest.

© 2016 MonsterHunter

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