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Crash Dive (1996)

I hope this movie is completely unrealistic because if it isn’t, it’s the scariest movie I’ve ever seen in my life! A group of terrorist made up of four guys and one gal manage to take control of the awesomest nuclear armed submarine in the whole U.S. fleet! And they accomplish this only after putting into action the single dumbest plan in the history of submarine hijackings! They send out a mayday signal in the middle of the super stormy ocean and the good-hearted, but too trusting sub captain hears the distress signal, and surfaces to take them aboard! Continue reading

Black Thunder (1998)

Former piloting mentor turned traitorous bad guy Ratcher (Richard Norton) yells at Vince Connors (Michael Dudikoff) during their climatic dog fight “I’ll out fly you in a school bus!” provoking a chuckle at the thought of the Australian kickboxing movie icon flying around the sky in a big bright yellow bus doing loops and barrel rolls while the Dude looks on in stupefied disbelief.

None of that happened of course and the Dude ends up getting behind Ratcher and executing a move so that one of Ratcher’s own heat seeking missiles blows up him and his school bus fantasy, but it was surely the most memorable moment of a movie that was so generic, it was easily sort of remade as an equally generic Steven Seagal film, Flight of Fury. Continue reading

Cop Game (1988)

“You’re saying Shooman is a KGB agent, out at the front, countering Vietcong attacks! Sounds like science fiction!” Sure does, but you know what else it sounds like? A Bruno Mattei movie! The fact that it was Romano Puppo who spit out this bit of soft-headed, hard-boiled dialogue only confirms it! (Puppo  (Escape from the Bronx, 2019: After the Fall of New York) spends most of his scenes chewing out Brent Huff for calling him “Skipper” prompting the classic line, “this isn’t a goddamn yacht club!”) Continue reading

White Cargo (1996)

Someone is killing the most beautiful fashion models and all the great dart champions in the city are the prime suspects! And only one super rich arrogant prick of a cop can bring down the whole opium operation that has nothing to do with it!

But it’s going to take the combined commando assault talents of Mrs. Gene Simmons, Shannon Tweed and former pro wrestler Tiny “Zeus” Lister to help scab American Ninja David Bradley bring things to an appropriately explosive climax!

A climax made possible because of David’s use of an advanced bit of mid-1990s tech called an online dictionary that allowed him to look up the definition of the word “nirvana” which provided a vital and utterly preposterous clue! Continue reading

Inferno (1980)

There’s some pretty poor decision making going on in Dario Argento‘s Inferno. The dippy woman who tries to steal the most evil book this side of the Necronomicon? Be glad you only got murdered later on and didn’t get your face shoved in the pot of boiling gunk the dude with the monster claws was using to fix books with. Next time try using your library card! Continue reading

Grand Slam (1967)

This may come as something as a shock to many of you, but sometimes even the most minutely planned diamond heist can go horribly wrong. Grand Slam follows the formula to the letter right down to the doublecross at the end of things that you pretty much had to see coming, if only as a way to explain one character’s sudden change in behavior during the middle of the movie. The only way the movie could have turned out that would have genuinely surprised me was if the big steal was pulled off without a hitch and everyone got their fair share of the booty. Continue reading

Hell Is for Heroes (1962)

There’s a scene in some little bar that Steve McQueen’s John Reese isn’t supposed to be at where he’s getting himself some firewater and the barmaid is saying that he’s going have problems when the MPs find him there. “Are you looking for trouble?” she asks. He pours himself another and says “the world’s full of trouble”. And there’s no way you could argue with that, I thought. Especially since some shell-shocked combat burn out who only goes crazy when he’s not in battle is saying it! Continue reading