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Mission of Justice (1992)

Brigitte Nielsen is running for mayor! And on a platform of beating guys senseless, cutting throats of washed up boxing champs, killing cops and framing other cops, torturing her own employees and smothering grandmas!

But the biggest crime she commits in Mission of Justice is the succession of dressy outfits she accomplishes all of her bleached blonde beatdown buffoonery in! And with our country’s unerring instinct to elect and reelect even the most venal, incompetent, and criminal misanthropes, it won’t come as any surprise that the crime-ridden town of Eastgate elects her! Continue reading

Martial Outlaw (1993)

Utterly anonymous martial arts movie star Jeff Wincott (Last Man Standing) finally meets his match in this, the darkest and grimmest of all the movies he made where his frequent karate chops effortlessly replace completely superfluous acting chops!

On the trail of a vicious Russian mob boss (he’s so mean he chops parts of his relatives’ fingers off just to make sure they stay loyal!), DEA agent Kevin White (Wincott) finds himself back in his old home town where his older brother, a cop named Jack, still lives and seethes with anger toward Kevin for going to college and getting out their crappy home town – some craphole named Los Angeles! Continue reading

Fatal Combat (1995)

This world can really make it tough on a tough guy who tries to maintain his non-violent stance. What with your pregnant old lady getting stabbed in the guts and your friend getting himself ass raped in the secret arctic fight-to-the-death club you’ve both been kidnapped to and forced to participate in, it is perhaps understandable that you’re eventually going to be beating the piss out of guys, throwing prison shanks into their backs and making sure it’s them who blow up and not you.

To his credit (and the audience’s consternation) Professor John Stoneman spends most of Fatal Combat (aka No Exit) trying to reason with all the killers and psychos he comes across, babbling unconvincingly that there can be a different path other than violence. (That Stoneman is played by karate expert Jeff Wincott who starred in such films as Open Fire and The Killing Machine serves to only make his scenes teaching a college class on how to avoid committing violence all the more delightfully ludicrous.) Continue reading

The Killing Machine (1994)

As the bandages were slowly unfurled from the face of the mystery man at the beginning of The Killing Machine (aka The Killing Man), I was at once fearful and transfixed. Fearful of what hideous burned up visage waited to be unveiled, yet transfixed because I just had to know what the Killing Machine looked like! Would his face look like shredded hamburger? Would his charred skull peek through chunks of sizzled flesh? Would he need a really bad toupee like Claude Raines in The Invisible Man? Continue reading

Last Man Standing (1995)

Last Man Standing is the sort of film featuring a martial arts “star” that makes you appreciate the magnetism of the bland Gary Daniels, the acting of the wooden Olivier Gruner or even the cinematic presence of the forgettable David Bradley.

As Detective Kurt Bellmore, Jeff Wincott (Martial Outlaw, Open Fire) doesn’t exactly set the screen on fire (unless you count his chain smoking throughout the film) with his expressionless face and even more frozen delivery. In fact, the most you’ll take away from the entire experience of him alternately destroying junkyards full of clunker cars in various freeway chases and shooting the endless punks who are apparently on the payroll of the evil bank robber Snake Underwood, is his unfortunate resemblance to comedian Tim Allen! Continue reading

Power Elite (2002)

If the sort of movie where a guy goes from Blue Angels pilot to security guard to the only guy who can rescue the President and defuse a chemical weapon hidden in the tunnels underneath the Golden Gate Bridge sounds like the beyond absurd action fantasy you just can’t pass up, you should still pass up Power Elite. And pass it up before to paraphrase star Olivier Gruner‘s best (and one of the few intelligible) lines in the film, you get tied up to a tree and left for the real drag queens! Continue reading

Live Again, Die Again (1974)

There’s a lot of risks being cryogenically frozen with the intent of being thawed out years later once your medical issues can be resolved. Your disease might never be treatable. The cryo unit may malfunction or the facility may go out of business. You might even get damaged when you get defrosted and suffer some heinous side effects like split ends. Caroline Carmichael at least had no worries in that department because she woke up with the most luxurious 1970s hair this side of Farrah Fawcett! (Now that’s what I call a scientific advance!) Continue reading

Shadow on the Land (1968)

It’s Christmas Eve in America. The streets are filled with the usual hustle and bustle of a lieutenant colonel on the run from his own government. Churches are having their holiday decorating (nothing like waiting to the last minute) interrupted by Internal Security Force agents. Holiday travelers are being harassed at the airports by new regulations restricting their ability to fly across country. Even Santa himself is getting manhandled by jackbooted thugs during a roundup of folks who oppose the president’s agenda! Continue reading