As the bandages were slowly unfurled from the face of the mystery man at the beginning of The Killing Machine (aka The Killing Man), I was at once fearful and transfixed. Fearful of what hideous burned up visage waited to be unveiled, yet transfixed because I just had to know what the Killing Machine looked like! Would his face look like shredded hamburger? Would his charred skull peek through chunks of sizzled flesh? Would he need a really bad toupee like Claude Raines in The Invisible Man? Continue reading
Elitist fancy pants action movie fans routinely dismiss Open Fire as merely “Die Hard in a chemical plant”. True scholars of the bargain bin late 1980s and 1990s direct to video action movie shelf fillers know that Open Fire is actually Deadly Outbreak but with a brown haired guy who kicks people in the face instead of a black haired guy doing it. Continue reading
Last Man Standing is the sort of film featuring a martial arts “star” that makes you appreciate the magnetism of the bland Gary Daniels, the acting of the wooden Olivier Gruner or even the cinematic presence of the forgettable David Bradley.
As Detective Kurt Bellmore, Jeff Wincott (Martial Outlaw, Open Fire) doesn’t exactly set the screen on fire (unless you count his chain smoking throughout the film) with his expressionless face and even more frozen delivery. In fact, the most you’ll take away from the entire experience of him alternately destroying junkyards full of clunker cars in various freeway chases and shooting the endless punks who are apparently on the payroll of the evil bank robber Snake Underwood, is his unfortunate resemblance to comedian Tim Allen! Continue reading
If the sort of movie where a guy goes from Blue Angels pilot to security guard to the only guy who can rescue the President and defuse a chemical weapon hidden in the tunnels underneath the Golden Gate Bridge sounds like the beyond absurd action fantasy you just can’t pass up, you should still pass up Power Elite. And pass it up before to paraphrase star Olivier Gruner‘s best (and one of the few intelligible) lines in the film, you get tied up to a tree and left for the real drag queens! Continue reading
There’s a lot of risks being cryogenically frozen with the intent of being thawed out years later once your medical issues can be resolved. Your disease might never be treatable. The cryo unit may malfunction or the facility may go out of business. You might even get damaged when you get defrosted and suffer some heinous side effects like split ends. Caroline Carmichael at least had no worries in that department because she woke up with the most luxurious 1970s hair this side of Farrah Fawcett! (Now that’s what I call a scientific advance!) Continue reading
It’s Christmas Eve in America. The streets are filled with the usual hustle and bustle of a lieutenant colonel on the run from his own government. Churches are having their holiday decorating (nothing like waiting to the last minute) interrupted by Internal Security Force agents. Holiday travelers are being harassed at the airports by new regulations restricting their ability to fly across country. Even Santa himself is getting manhandled by jackbooted thugs during a roundup of folks who oppose the president’s agenda! Continue reading
Nobody dies harder than the Dude! In the far flung future where such futuristic things as bad computer generated effects, cybernetic implants, and a professional baseball team named the Neptunes constantly breaks the Dude’s heart (and his face since he keeps betting on them and his bookie has run out of patience!) are a frighteningly reality, an even scarier reality awaits our future selves!
No, it’s not that the Dude uses duplicators to make it look like multiple Dudes are running everywhere in the building taken over by terrorists – that’s not even science fiction, it’s science awesome! What’s causing us to piss all over our flying transport bus seats is the emergence of the Cyberjack! Continue reading
Is it possible that a self-help book written by a guy who is such douche that he has to resort to stealing from his ex-wife’s IRA account could form the basis for an evil empire 200 years in the future?
And could this also cause all life on Earth to be wiped out and start a civil war that would cost 30 billion lives? And then lead to a battle for the fate of the future that reaches all the way back to the long forgotten primitive past of 1998 Oregon?
Counter Measures is really the story of a man and his corkscrew. Michael Dudikoff (Black Horizon, Black Thunder) at first blush seems to be in your classic Die Hard on a submarine scenario, battling a bunch of terrorists, but then you realize it’s like Die Hard on sub with a corkscrew!
Besides the Dude, Corkscrew is the deadliest character on board the renegade Russian sub Odessa! It’s killing people, healing people and even opening booze bottles! Is there anything this little guy can’t do? Continue reading