Welcome one and all to Ocean View Park, the gassiest place on Earth! You might think it’s called that because of the green cotton candy the awkwardly shy Jenny Flowers is spinning between bouts of self-loathing or because frazzled college student and popcorn machine expert Phil Brady, who is also saddled with a pregnant clairvoyant wife (this is a total 1970s TV movie, isn’t it?), is handing out boxes of popcorn to disgruntled customers angry at the machine being broken down.
And it very well could have been, but the film never indicated that star Mike Connors’ frequently pained facial expressions were caused by an inordinate amount of guest flatulence. The film does indicate, and this is very instructive for future theme park designers, that the gas main running through the park probably shouldn’t be right next to the old wooden roller coaster. Continue reading
Yesterday’s Child depicts a more innocent time in our history when a messed up rich family with a missing child didn’t have to worry about genetic testing uncovering the awful truth about what really happened all those years ago when mom supposedly lost poor little Ann at the park playing hide and seek. But even living in the dark ages where disgruntled heirs had to just take the word of a stranger who rolls in with just enough circumstantial evidence to convince a desperate and domineering grandmother that the hot little lady on the door step is her long last granddaughter, and more importantly the long lost granddaughter entitled to her dead daddy’s trust, there were other more low tech ways to make sure she really was part of your insane family. Continue reading
Something is terribly wrong at the Tower Mountain Research Station! It’s horror at high altitude when two scientists arrive to replace one of their colleagues whose radio transmissions have grown increasingly erratic and they discover him dead at the radio, once a brilliant man, now only an egghead-flavored Popsicle, but worse, he left the lab a total mess! Continue reading
Once there was a movie called simply enough, Emmanuelle. Released in 1974, it starred Sylvia Kristel as a horny French gal living in Bangkok. Sporting such a powerful plot, the movie easily spawned about seven legitimate sequels. But this isn’t our Emmanuelle. You see our Emanuelle is known as the Black Emanuelle and if she had to sacrifice an “M” in her name to avoid being sued, she more than made up for it by ditching the French softcore style of the original for an even more trashy Italian style! Continue reading
“You have your team, your buddies, your football, your Super Bowl! Well hell, I went out and had sex! It felt good!” Over-the-hill cornerback Dave Walecki’s wife sure gives an offbeat pre game pep talk to her understandably confused husband in this understandably hilarious TV-movie that constantly talks about the Super Bowl but delivers the ultimate shock ending by finishing up right in the middle of the National Anthem before a single down of the Big Game can be played! Continue reading
There is a legend. A legend of a dinosaur who somehow escaped extinction and survived to this very day! And is living in a lake near Mt. Fuji in Japan! And now with the big Dragon Festival coming up to take advantage of his legend, he feels like a snack! But even with a few people mysteriously disappearing in and around the lake, few believe it to be the handiwork of the Loch Ness Monster’s bad ass cousin! But even the most ancient of killer beasts can get cocky and slip up! Continue reading
Heroes In Hell gives you an up close and personal look at the lives of a group of World War II POWs. It’s up close and personal not because you get to know the characters or you are treated to a day to day examination of what life in a German prison camp entails. It’s up close and personal because most of the freaking film is shot right in these guys’ faces! And it didn’t serve to build tension or give a sense of claustrophobic suspense so much as left the viewer straining to see around everyone’s big fat skull! Continue reading
Those of you who sat through the wretched Blood Suckers that headlined this double feature DVD from Something Weird Video and figured that at least you still had another movie to go and that it might be able to justify your purchasing this, let me ask you one question that will bring your situation into focus: Are you really hoping that a Filipino movie starring nobodies and featuring a wisecracking hero who merely comes off as obnoxious is going to do anything for you except make you wonder how it is that one of the only other two movies the director made was Jean Claude Van Damme’s Bloodsport? Continue reading
On the surface, it’s an odd combination to say the least – a Cornell Woolrich story serving as the basis for an Umberto Lenzi film. Woolrich was the author of several stories during the fifties that were turned into such film noirs as Black Angel and Phantom Lady. Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window was also based on a Woolrich story.
Lenzi is best known as king of the cannibals for his Cannibal Ferox, Deep River Savages, and Eaten Alive films. But he was also proficient earlier in his career with thrillers in the giallo mold including Spasmo and Orgasmo so maybe it isn’t such a surprise that itt all works much better than you would suspect, resulting in an easily digestible confection of mystery, graphic violence, and Antonio Sabato. Continue reading
As directed by Ruggero Deodato (Jungle Holocaust, Dial: Help), Concorde Affaire ’79 manages to create a uniquely Italian take on the airport disaster genre by mixing low budget action (think lots of murky underwater diving scenes), bad special effects (do you think Britain or France was going to let Deodato within a country mile of a real Concorde?), a generous helping of slumming movie stars (Van Johnson and Joseph Cotten? An awesome team – in 1945!), and a story that not only fails to make sense, but whose climax involves a very suspenseful phone call. Continue reading