If we’re being honest, isn’t the real climax of the Fred Olen Ray-produced Jack-O not when the careless Jack-O allows himself to get pushed from behind so that he gets impaled on a piece of wood, but when David Kelly knocks over a shelf full of paint in his garage thus causing the premature closure of his extreme Halloween haunt attraction, “The Haunted Garage”? After all, while Jack-O spent most of the film wandering around Oakmoor in circles killing people here and there for no real reason, David spent the whole movie gearing up for his spooky showcase. He was even using it as a fundraiser for the homeless! Continue reading
The first time was for his family! The second time was to dominate our pathetic dimension! Now, Xtro is back and this time it’s for his family! Seriously! But it’s like really, really double personal! Continue reading
Xtro is back for revenge! Ok not really. After all, Xtro pretty much won at the end of Xtro what with him killing everyone, turning his son into a junior Xtro and leaving a passel of eggs inside his wife’s fridge. So I guess he’s back just to rub it in our inferior human faces! You think he was leaving his alien dookie all over the Nexus project facility just because he couldn’t hold it until he got to the restroom? That was totally a “I just pooped in your precious lab and what you are going to do about it” moment! Continue reading
The problem with leading a double life is that once you get run over by a car and catch a dose of amnesia, it makes things twice as hard to remember! Not only do you have the people in your current life harassing you at home and at work trying to get you to remember all the little moronic things you never really cared about in the first place (I work at a bank dealing with farm loans? Doc, I need a refill on my memory loss, stat!), but you’ve also got all the cool, dreamlike flashbacks from your old, much more awesome life (Did I just get jumped into a white supremacy prison gang and rob a bank? Sweet!). Continue reading
Deadly Bet merely confirms what I’ve long thought about addictions and the way the various experts preach to address them – that it’s all micromanaged bunk! The various fill-in-the-blank Anonymous cults over complicate things with all their “steps”, meetings, talking, sponsors, prayers and sign in sheets. Fudge, I need a drink and a tub of ice cream just to take the edge off the stress thinking about all those requirements! I had less trouble getting into law school than that!
Jeff Wincott‘s down on his luck martial arts expert Angelo though knows the real score on how to lick all those demons that have kept him in Las Vegas, cost him the love of his life, and put him into debt with a ruthless loan shark! Training montage! Continue reading
Perhaps owing to the inexplicable popularity of Cynthia Rothrock, Martial Law II: Undercover is likely the most well known of Jeff Wincott‘s films. At least it’s the only one I ever remember seeing at the video store in the early 1990s. It’s a shame if this is the only exposure that civilians (i.e. people who are prone to watch normal movies starring people they’ve heard of) have to Jeff since it is neither his most serviceable (The Killing Machine, Martial Outlaw), most forgettable (Open Fire, Fatal Combat) or most insane featuring Brigitte Nielsen running for mayor (Mission of Justice).
Its utterly bland story (corrupt cops and martial arts thugs battling Jeff and Cynthia), parade of run-of-the-mill villains, and perfunctory script (the few character details only exist to explain plot developments later in the film) only serve to underscore how charisma-impaired our two martial arts heroes are. Continue reading
One of the great unsung movie genres is films where low budget kickboxing action heroes play lawyers. Don “The Dragon” Wilson did it in Out For Blood with hilarious results. Michael “The Dude” Dudikoff did it for In Her Defense. And now you can add Jeff “The Guy In a Bunch of Action Movies You’ve Never Heard Of” Wincott to that illustrious list with a grim, gritty and greasy haired effort that eschews the cartoonish antics of the Dragon’s effort, but also manages to make as little sense as Wincott’s lawyer character John Ryan financing his pro bono work for Native Americans by using a loan shark. Continue reading
Paging Dr. Jeff Wincott! Paging Dr. Jeff Wincott! There’s an emergency room full of patients with gun shot wounds and overdoses! Diagnosis? Unchecked drug dealing in New York! Treatment? One personal war on drugs and call Dr. Jeff once you’ve taken his elderly parents prisoner and chopped off his daddy’s finger!
It’s clear from the way the patient, When the Bullet Hits the Bone, presents that things are pretty much terminal and all Dr. Jeff can do is try to make the audience comfortable while this sickly film thrashes, pukes, shits itself and just generally dies an excruciating death over the course of its eighty minute life. Continue reading
Jeff Wincott sniffs rabbit turds in this movie. To make matters even worse, it’s the sort of movie where we aren’t sure whether the rabbit turds are even real!
The great rabbit turd conundrum is really the least obnoxiously obtuse thing about the whole affair though as the film barely takes time out from its strictly amateurishly disjointed presentation peppered with references to Alice in Wonderland, over the top moments like Wincott fighting his wife with a toilet plunger, Maria Ford scrunching her face into shrewish expressions while shrieking at Wincott, and the seemingly random insertion of scenes from an entirely different movie to ever get around to explaining just what in the hell was going on with the embryos Wincott was trying to save the world with while his wife (Ford) was trying to kill him and steal them for the evil general. Continue reading
Brigitte Nielsen is running for mayor! And on a platform of beating guys senseless, cutting throats of washed up boxing champs, killing cops and framing other cops, torturing her own employees and smothering grandmas!
But the biggest crime she commits in Mission of Justice is the succession of dressy outfits she accomplishes all of her bleached blonde beatdown buffoonery in! And with our country’s unerring instinct to elect and reelect even the most venal, incompetent, and criminal misanthropes, it won’t come as any surprise that the crime-ridden town of Eastgate elects her! Continue reading