Headless Horseman is a success in the sense that several heads are chopped off. Since this is a simply a slasher movie dressed up in a dark cloak and jack-o-lantern, it isn’t just the Headless Horseman whacking away with a sword or an axe. There’s also a person who falls into a bear trap headfirst as well as a guy hiding in the trunk of a car and the Horseman just jumps on the hatch while the guy’s head is sticking out of it. And if that sounds like an improvement over the musty old folk tale we all know, just wait until you see Headless cruising around on a motorcycle! Continue reading
The Hollow asks the viewer to swallow any number of silly-assed things over the course of its admittedly mostly painless 83 minutes: Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter as a jock so obsessed with his town being recognized for its connection to Washington Irving’s “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” story that he almost abuses a girl for not being into it enough. Nicholas Turturo as a sheriff. Stacey Keach as filthy, drunken groundskeeper Claus Van Ripper, affecting a strange accent for no real reason and who knows all the ins and outs of the Headless Horseman. A Headless Horseman who may be pranking our hero’s dad by ringing his doorbell and then running away. Twice. Continue reading
The police ruled it a justified homicide. It was a Halloween prank gone horribly wrong, Alec pretending to be a masked killer attacking his girlfriend before her brother intervened and stopped him! With a knife! Again and again! How was Jonathan to know that on Halloween night, it wasn’t really a movie-style slasher who just randomly came into the house to murder his sister only a few minutes after her prick boyfriend Alec just left? Who would have thought it was all a joke?
Well sure, you or I or pretty much anyone with half a brain wouldn’t come rampaging at a guy in a costume on Halloween, stabbing him over and over like we were Norman Bates after too many cups of coffee, but Jonathan was still amped from a brutal night of carving pumpkins! Continue reading
Perhaps All Hallows’ Eve was meant to be the ultimate meta experience for fans of trashy low budget horror movies. Is there any greater commentary on the genre than making a bad horror movie about a woman who is sitting at home watching bad horror movies? Or maybe writer and director Damien Leone had a couple of cheesy short films he previously shot and just repurposed that footage to make a feature length film. Continue reading
Blended families can be hard, especially on really hot spoiled step-sisters. Having a new step-mom who is the apple of your daddy’s eye can make you feel like you have to choose between being loyal to your real mom and supporting your dad’s need to get laid by someone who isn’t a middle-aged nag.
For dark-haired step-sister Hailey, this also manifests itself in being a mean girl to blonde-haired step-sister Sam. But if these two are going to be living together in the same house, going to the same school and attending the same parties, is there any way this relationship can be built into something approaching at least the barely legal version of Cold War detente? Enter the evil African statue! Continue reading
A team of elite Russian mercenaries against a Navy Seal squad led by Luc Remy! At stake is Warhead One, only the most freaking awesome weapon prototype ever conceived by the most cut rate CGI imaginable!
Deployed to the ship carrying Warhead One a few hours after getting the call (How long does it take these mercs to crate the thing up? I’m guessing multiple vodka breaks were involved.), Remy’s squad is immediately beset by some bad luck when one of their helicopters blows up and throws its rotor into their other helicopter, turning the freighter into a raging inferno! Continue reading
The solitary thing that straight-to-video brainfreeze Battle Queen 2020 is able to accomplish in one of the longest 79 minutes you will ever spend is to communicate to the audience that the end of the world will be horrible beyond all imagining. So many post-apocalypse movies glamorize the destruction of civilization with spectacular effects, suspense, plot twists, characters you root for, and all manner of mutants, cannibals, bikers, and regular old monsters. Battle Queen 2020 opts for a much more horrifying combination of primitive special effects, softcore porn, and hardcore boredom. Continue reading
Fear not fans of Michael Dudikoff or Jeff Speakman! Just because this matrial arts mayhem epic stars Cynthia Rothrock does’t mean she spends her time picking out pretty window treatments for her dojo or battling an evil nail salon owner! Sure she does her hair from an unflattering black to eye-gouging hideous orange, but it’s not some fashion don’t, but an attempt to evade the shadowy government agents who are after her! Continue reading
If the sort of movie where a guy goes from Blue Angels pilot to security guard to the only guy who can rescue the President and defuse a chemical weapon hidden in the tunnels underneath the Golden Gate Bridge sounds like the beyond absurd action fantasy you just can’t pass up, you should still pass up Power Elite. And pass it up before to paraphrase star Olivier Gruner‘s best (and one of the few intelligible) lines in the film, you get tied up to a tree and left for the real drag queens! Continue reading
A blind woman gets a new pair of eyes which allow her to see for the first time since she was a child, but there’s a catch. Not only is she able to see the world around her for the first time in years, she also has acquired this brand new super power where she can see dead people! She can also sort of see the future. And the past. Well, another person’s past anyway. Then there’s mysterious shadowy guy who accompanies some of the dead people she sees. I felt like I could have used a brain transplant before understanding completely what was going on in this eye transplant movie. Continue reading