Category Archives: 2000s

Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud (2007)

pumpkinhead-blood-feud-dvd-coverThis is the Pumpkinhead sequel for William Shakespeare fans! After the standard issue horror plots of the previous three films which included a dad getting revenge for the death of his son, Pumpkinhead’s half-breed son getting revenge for his own death and a town getting revenge because the local crematorium defrauded everyone, we finally get a story of star-crossed lovers whose tale of warring families and forbidden love can’t help to bring to mind Romeo and Juliet. Continue reading

Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes (2006)

pumpkinhead-ashes-to-ashes-posterCommon sense would dictate that a certain hick town nearbouts Razorback Holler wouldn’t have all that much crime happening. The last time some city folk came by and killed a local boy, old Pumpkinhead showed up and slaughtered the lot of them. Then his boy appeared to kill not only a bunch of townspeople but also another pack of moronic teens. People should be no more inclined to commit some wrong there than they would in a similarly strict place like Singapore. Except that instead of getting caned for throwing your gum on the sidewalk, you’d have your head crushed by demonic claws! Continue reading

Killing Salazar (2016)

killing-salazar-posterWhen Steven Seagal is berating Luke Goss for not being entirely forthcoming with mission details and says “I was not born on a fucking turnip truck, man. And I was not born at night. I was born in a bright fucking sunny day, man” he appears to be convinced that what he is saying is making sense, despite his dialogue being a jumble of messed up idioms and forced curse words.

And he is also likewise very convincing when during the only stunts he does himself (walking up some stairs), he has to grab the handrail for support. I was never fearful for big Steve’s health during these scenes though because director Keoni Waxman has worked with him enough times (Absolution, A Good Man, The Keeper) to know to call “cut” immediately after each stair. Continue reading

End of a Gun (2016)

end-of-a-gun-posterSteven Seagal is a ghost. No, I don’t mean the ethereal kind that’s difficult to see. It’s hard to imagine him waddling down the street with his goofy black ensembles and strange glasses with the orange-colored lens he insists on wearing in all his movies now and not be spotted a mile away.

He’s a ghost in the intelligence community sense that he isn’t supposed to exist. He even tells his police department buddy that he’s supposed to be undercover and when his pal wants to know what he’s doing undercover, Steve rightly responds that it wouldn’t be much of an undercover gig if he went and told him.

But he not only intervenes and kills a stripper’s boyfriend when he’s abusing her, but also just sits around at an outdoor Parisian cafe the next day waiting for her and agreeing to her greedy scheme to steal her dead boyfriend’s drug money. It’s really the sort of thing that makes zero sense anywhere except in a Steven Segal movie, where you would be shocked if it didn’t happen. Continue reading

The Perfect Weapon (2016)

perfect-weapon-seagal-posterIt’s a dystopian world where our worst fears have come horribly true! An all seeing state where the government monitors your every move! Where people who dare to question the state are hunted down and ruthlessly killed! Where twenty-four hours a day, government propaganda is beamed into every home and street corner via the state-controlled media! But so what? We already put up with such an overreaching government already! This is a future though that is a million times worse! Where one man controls everything and that one man is Steven Seagal! Nightmarish indeed! Continue reading

Land of Death (2004)

landofdeathposterLegendary Italian exploitation film director Bruno Mattei apparently decided that in a career as long and as aimlessly varied as his, it just wouldn’t be complete without one of these jungle barf bag flicks under his belt. And in true Bruno style, when he tackles a project, he does it with as much gusto as the three or four days of shooting will allow a 72 year old man. And also in true Bruno style, he realizes that whatever is worth doing poorly once is worth doing even worse twice and so he also shot Cannibal World in 2003, too! Continue reading

The Keeper (2009)

Keeper DVD CoverThroughout human history Man has sought to refine existence to set of easy to remember basic immutable laws. First of course were the Ten Commandments laid down by Charlton Heston that covered such basics as not killing, stealing, or taking away our Second Amendment rights.

Then there were the 8 Simple Rules for Dating Teenage Daughters that comedian/philosopher John Ritter set forth in his weekly televised sermons before promptly dropping dead, no doubt the stress of having a hot daughter just too much, even with his rules being so simple.

But it is no surprise that it took acting giant (literally – check out his chins in this movie!) Steven Seagal to cut all these Byzantine guidelines on living your life down to just the essentials. Continue reading

Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)

Godzilla vs. Megaguiras Japanese PosterGodzilla‘s appearance in his twenty-fourth movie is distinguished chiefly by him pretty much standing around biting a big dragonfly.

Toho, having been at this for something like forty years, knows just how to stretch such an obviously lackluster premise into a movie that is well in excess of an hour and forty minutes. How do they do it? With the liberal use of what I call “Godzilla Helper.” Continue reading

The Asian Connection (2016)

Asian Connection DVD CoverGan Sirankiri, the Cambodian crime boss portrayed Steven Seagal (you know how an actor is born to play a certain role – this is the opposite of that) is being ripped off and he is pissed!

And how do we know that? It’s not because he is cussing about it all the time. (Seagal must have gotten a bonus for every time he could work some variation of the F word into his dialogue.) It isn’t because he’s literally demanding the head of the thief of a platter. (The traitor sends back his brother’s hand instead. Whoops.) It isn’t even because he lumbers off his compound to personally interview people in his crime empire to determine their trustworthiness. (The guy in charge of the local martial arts gym passed, but Seagal waddled into the ring and beat up all the guys training there just because he could.) Continue reading

Sniper: Special Ops (2016)

Sniper Special Ops DVD CoverWhen you think about, a sniper is a perfect job for Steven Seagal in a movie. He doesn’t seem to like roles that require much movement, yet expects to be able to shoot about forty nameless pukes in every movie. As a sniper, Steve not only doesn’t have to move a lot, but for much of the time he can even lean lazily against sandbags just waiting for the perfect shot! In the opening scenes of Sniper: Special Ops you almost wondered if his spotter was asking him “now?” repeatedly just to make sure the big lug hadn’t just gone and dozed off! Continue reading