Airport ’77 (1977)

A group of art thieves hijack a plane by using knockout gas! The pilot is a progressive man who wants to marry his girlfriend, but she’s straight out of Ms. Magazine and is too career minded to commit! Familiar TV faces abound on this doomed flight including Brenda Vacarro, Darren McGavin and Gil Gerard! The plane comes equipped with gartguan-sized videodisc player! Even better, it also comes equipped with a lounge singer! And the whole thing crashes into the Bermuda Triangle! Truly, Airport ’77 is the most gloriously 70s of the four Airport movies! (Or any movie for that matter!) Continue reading “Airport ’77 (1977)”

Airport 1975 (1974)

With its all star cast of Charlton Heston, George Kennedy, Karen Black’s crazy eyes and the plane’s altimeter, Airport 1975 is easily five years better than 1970’s Airport!

Wisely tripling the fatalities (from one to three), ramping up the drama among the passengers (Will Linda Blair’s Janice survive the trip to get her kidney transplant? Will Myrna Loy’s Mrs. Devaney create an even worse crisis following the mid air collision that kills the crew by drinking the airplane’s in flight adult beverage selection completely dry? Will the singing nun further traumatize the already shellshocked stewardesses by doing an acoustic version of “Seasons in the Sun?”), casting Erik Estrada (CHiPS‘s Ponch) as a cringe-inducing horny Latin stereotype and being a half hour shorter than Airport‘s transatlantic length 137 minutes, Airport 1975 is perfectly crafted to improbably make the overheated and silly original feel like a classic of nuance and sophistication. Continue reading “Airport 1975 (1974)”

Airport (1970)

Airport is a disaster movie where I kept waiting for the disaster to happen. Was it going to be Burt Lancaster’s airport manager Bakersfeld stroking out from fighting with his boss and his shrewish wife? Was it going to be George Kennedy’s airport maintenance chief Joe Patroni having a heart attack due to shoveling too much snow? Or would Dean Martin’s smarmy playboy pilot have a fainting spell right there in the middle of the airplane once his stewardess mistress (Jacqueline Bissett) announces she’s pregnant? Continue reading “Airport (1970)”

Roots of Evil (1992)

A degenerate (and really sweaty!) creep with a mother fixation is stalking and slashing the working girls of the City of Angels! And only one grizzled cop, haunted by his past, but having a soft spot for sexy sex workers can make the streets safe again for six inch heels and tube tops, earning him the everlasting admiration of whores and johns alike!

But can he overcome his demons and the shocking truth of who the sleazy serial killer is or will the hookers on the Strip have to permanently trade in their their bustiers for the special steel threaded top he gives to the hooker he uses as bait to lure the killer out of hiding? All of us horny dudes, except for the geeks at Renaissance fairs who don’t mind their wenches dressed in chain mail armor, are certainly rooting for Detective Jake! Continue reading “Roots of Evil (1992)”

Lower Level (1991)

You’re a successful architect babe, working in the skyscraper you’ve designed, but something is missing. No, I’m not talking about an emergency exit that could actually be used in an emergency, though that would have been nice considering the circumstances. What’s really missing is what is always missing with these supposedly empowered ladies – a prince charming to take her away from her ivory tower. And how do I know that? Because I’m some male chauvinist piggie? Nope, she tells us this in the voiceover at the beginning of the movie as she writes it in her diary! Continue reading “Lower Level (1991)”

Way Down Cellar (1968)

I imagine that Way Down Cellar is something of a failure since I was more interested in how Beans and Skeeter’s hapless flag football team, the Jets, finished up the season than I was in the intrigue surrounding the crabby old man who was staying in the old Burton House (the same house is also seen in For the Love of Willadean) and doing mysterious things down in the basement. It’s especially difficult to work up any enthusiasm for a bunch of crooks who get outsmarted by a couple of kids that can’t even manage to execute a simple running play during the game they get shut out of in the opening moments of the film. Continue reading “Way Down Cellar (1968)”

The Treasure of San Bosco Reef (1968)

Let me disabuse you of the notion straightway that the titular treasure is anything awesome. As near as I could tell, it was mostly a bunch of crusty crap pulled up from the wreckage of an old ship. Various vases and pots that for all any of us know might have just been a bunch of leftover junk no one wanted. Did anyone confirm whether the ship’s manifest indicated it was on a voyage to the local shipyard’s giant yearly garage sale? Still, it was a bunch of baracled bric-a-bac a whole team of thieves were willing to kill for, so maybe it cleaned up real nice. Continue reading “The Treasure of San Bosco Reef (1968)”