Welcome one and all to Ocean View Park, the gassiest place on Earth! You might think it’s called that because of the green cotton candy the awkwardly shy Jenny Flowers is spinning between bouts of self-loathing or because frazzled college student and popcorn machine expert Phil Brady, who is also saddled with a pregnant clairvoyant wife (this is a total 1970s TV movie, isn’t it?), is handing out boxes of popcorn to disgruntled customers angry at the machine being broken down.
And it very well could have been, but the film never indicated that star Mike Connors’ frequently pained facial expressions were caused by an inordinate amount of guest flatulence. The film does indicate, and this is very instructive for future theme park designers, that the gas main running through the park probably shouldn’t be right next to the old wooden roller coaster. Continue reading
Yesterday’s Child depicts a more innocent time in our history when a messed up rich family with a missing child didn’t have to worry about genetic testing uncovering the awful truth about what really happened all those years ago when mom supposedly lost poor little Ann at the park playing hide and seek. But even living in the dark ages where disgruntled heirs had to just take the word of a stranger who rolls in with just enough circumstantial evidence to convince a desperate and domineering grandmother that the hot little lady on the door step is her long last granddaughter, and more importantly the long lost granddaughter entitled to her dead daddy’s trust, there were other more low tech ways to make sure she really was part of your insane family. Continue reading
“You have your team, your buddies, your football, your Super Bowl! Well hell, I went out and had sex! It felt good!” Over-the-hill cornerback Dave Walecki’s wife sure gives an offbeat pre game pep talk to her understandably confused husband in this understandably hilarious TV-movie that constantly talks about the Super Bowl but delivers the ultimate shock ending by finishing up right in the middle of the National Anthem before a single down of the Big Game can be played! Continue reading
Bette Davis is just fine in the role of Joyce Heath, the talented and self-destructive actress who is brought back from the brink by the creepily-obsessive adulation of architect Don Bellows (Franchot Tone). The problem is the herky-jerky and sporadic treatment of the problems that Joyce suffers from, notably alcoholism. She seems to be a heavy drinker just so that she can say she’s a down and out has-been, like it was something to aspire to! Continue reading
Edmund Gwenn won an Oscar for his portrayal of the real deal Santa Claus that for some reason has escaped an old folks home and decided to wreak his holiday brand of havoc on the capitalist pigs at Macy’s, as well as firing up a little girl’s imagination which has been stymied by her divorced workaholic and very sensible mother. He’s also got no use for drunken Santa imposters, pop psychiatry, and doesn’t mind going to trial to prove he is the one and only Santa! Continue reading
Three friends have their Christmas Eve dinner plans canceled so they do what anyone would do under the circumstances – devise a wacky Candid Camera-style stunt by tossing wallets with ten dollar bills and each one of their business cards into the street! Then they wait to see if anyone has the old Christmas spirit in them and returns the wallet with the cash. And anyone who does will be invited to dinner! Continue reading
This is the movie about nine guys who break out of prison that manages to be both funny and sad that we’ve all been waiting for!
It’s a bit of a dirty trick since you get lulled into the rollicking road trip aspect of the film following their exploits as they search for some buried treasure that the tenth guy in their cell (he didn’t get to go on their field trip for some reason) has clued them in on only to have the carpet pulled out from under us ever so slowly and deliberately as the movie’s second half unfolds. Continue reading
Blue Spring is one of those movies where I kept waiting for something to happen that would shake things up and distinguish it from any number of other boring, brooding teen pics. Instead, the movie wanders around for the first hour like an uninspired delinquent ditching class without any plans, before finally settling on detailing the rivalry between former friends Kujo and Aoki and how Aoki just wanted Kujo’s attention.
Aoki clearly forgot that he, Kujo, and the rest of the senior class at the local all boys high school just don’t care about anything or anyone! Gawd Aoki! Try to remember your gimmick! Continue reading
I knew I was in trouble right from the beginning when a message appeared on the screen that if this film caused someone to meditate, then it would have been worth the effort. I was pretty sure that when I tracked down a copy of The Web Of Silence – A.I.D.S., it was because it was an Italian movie that was going to either gross me out or make me laugh and hopefully both. I was also pretty sure that I didn’t buy it because I was in need of meditation inspiration. That’s what my day job is for. Continue reading
Humphrey Bogart plays recently returned war vet Rip Murdock. He’s searching for the truth behind the death of Johnny, his best friend from the service. Rip knows that Johnny was a damn good paratrooper and he deserves his Congressional Medal of Honor, even if it has to be awarded posthumously. That’s not so much to ask for a guy who gave everything he had to kick the Ratzis in their Teutonic nads, is it? Continue reading