Once there was a movie called simply enough, Emmanuelle. Released in 1974, it starred Sylvia Kristel as a horny French gal living in Bangkok. Sporting such a powerful plot, the movie easily spawned about seven legitimate sequels. But this isn’t our Emmanuelle. You see our Emanuelle is known as the Black Emanuelle and if she had to sacrifice an “M” in her name to avoid being sued, she more than made up for it by ditching the French softcore style of the original for an even more trashy Italian style! Continue reading
As I watched it unfold, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it about a hundred times before. It seems so obvious in retrospect. A loved one gets framed up in some nameless banana republic on drug charges. A father can’t get any help from the impotent American embassy. His daughter is facing years behind bars in such a tough prison that the warden has the father beaten during visiting hours! There’s no one left to turn to for help! Except the teammates on his professional football team! Admit it, you just got goosebumps! Continue reading
Engineered to the be the perfect killing machine. Part man. Part robot. All ass kick! Cyber Warrior One will be the soldier of the future for the American military. Unaffected by extreme heat and cold, impervious to biological weapons and various and sundry toxins, and completely obedient in following all orders, no matter who wrong they may be, this ultimate force of devastation and freedom-spreading vengeance will continue to ensure our great country’s superiority for generations! Continue reading
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been stopped on the streets of my all-American small town and asked which of Fabrizio De Angelis‘ karate movies, Karate Warrior or Karate Rock, was better. That’s a lot like asking a fellow which of his step-kids he hates the most. Sure, you hate them all, but in different ways. Continue reading
Then again, you shouldn’t come out of a Camillo Teti movie thinking that you would have rather really been watching his Cobra Mission 2. That’s just plain crazy talk. In fact Bye Bye Vietnam is probably the first Nam movie that will trigger post traumatic stress disorder in people who never fought there. Continue reading
As Karate Warrior embarked on his sixth, final and most majestically numbskull quest ever, I found myself overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. After six films, I had spent more time with Karate Warrior than I had with my own father!
Wrestling with the sense of loss now that this journey was finally ending, I found a semblance of peace as I recalled the words of one of the great philosophers of our time who said “here at last, on the shores of the sea… comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.”
And Gandalf the White was right! It was totally ok to shed some tears over Karate Warrior’s last adventure! Tears of laughter! Continue reading
Karate Warrior’s girlfriend kidnapped and held for ransom! One of Karate Warrior’s closest friends and newly inducted member of the legendary Extra Large Club of America implicated! A monster of a man training relentlessly for a deadly showdown at the iconic second floor strip mall karate club (right above the “Wide Fashion” store) where all of Karate Warrior’s biggest victories have taken place! And Karate Warrior only has time to train for about 30 seconds with Sensei and hoping that Sensei’s patented Most Respected Sternum Punch can somehow overcome all the freaking odds of all previous Karate Warrior movies put together! Continue reading
With no English-friendly version of this fourth film in a series of six Italian Karate Kid rip offs, it was left to an Italian language (with Greek subtitles!) DVD to finally tell this, the most afterschool special-ish of all Karate Warrior’s missions! But without knowing any Italian or Greek, could any of it make a lick of sense to me? Trick question! Even in English, I don’t understand half of what’s happening or why in these movies about a dweeb in a sissy yellow robe! Continue reading
Director Fabrizio DeAngelis smartly positions Karate Warrior 3 as essentially Karate Warrior: The Next Generation as the Golden Kimono (while clearly hideous and more than a little sissy, but due to some ancient far east mumbo jumbo is inexplicably quite sought after) is passed from original Karate Douche Kim Rossi Stuart to Ron Williams.
And rest easy fans because in the acting and manliness department Ron is more than up to the task of being just as lacking in both categories as the suddenly departed Kim. (Don’t worry about Kim’s whereabouts. He parlayed his Karate Warrior fame into a part in Lamberto Bava‘s Cave of the Golden Rose series). Continue reading
Karate Warrior goes to college. Is there any idea for a sequel that manages to simultaneously cause snickers, loose stools, and breathless anticipation more than the idea of the biggest dojo douche set loose on campus where he’ll likely get beat up at frat parties, beat up in between classes on the quad and beat up back in the dorms?
And all while struggling to maintain a D+ average because all his study time is spent standing in his backyard in silly poses while his kung fu master smacks him in the head for not using his spirit to fight instead of his strategy of deflecting his opponent’s blows with his overly feminine face? Continue reading