The road from Karate Wuss to Karate Warrior is an arduous one, requiring the sort of sacrifice and commitment not found easily in these days of miracle pills, quick fixes, and grade inflation. Truth be told, it was a lot easier to find a person willing to forgo the trappings of his earlier life back in the late 1980s after the success of The Karate Kid. And since this is an Italian movie, the karate kid here is Anthony Scott, a 17 year-old American with a dubbed 30 year-old voice that sounds like it’s coming from an alien trying to translate from its native language in real time. Continue reading
If you’re familiar with the original Cobra Mission, a movie titled Cobra Mission 2 might just trick you into thinking it had something to do with that classic tale of a POW rescue mission gone horribly wrong. Unfortunately, Cobra Mission 2 spins the mostly unsatisfying yarn about Roger, the best there is at whatever it is he does. (Mainly throwing knives into people and sporting poofy hair that never wilts in the middle of a Latin American coup. In short, the usual.) Continue reading
This time all our boys come home! No, really – this time we mean it! Four guys get the idea to head back to the Nam while sitting in a bar listening to a news report about a POW who escaped to freedom. Once the expected bar fight between one of our crazed Vietnam vets and the local loudmouths concludes, they hit the road in search of some information about the POWs who are still back in-country, but what they find is a variety of Italian cinema celebrities! Continue reading
Thousands of years ago in ancient Egypt a god was worshipped more horrible than any other! His name was something like Hammybooboo and as the centuries passed, the memory of such a terrifying being was all but forgotten! In fact, an expert Egyptologist advises star Christopher Connelly that only two things are still known about Hammy. One was that he was really cruel. And the other? Utter evil! Continue reading
Everything starts innocently enough when a mob of angry townspeople in the Louisiana bayous way back in 1927 invade The Seven Doors Hotel and brutalize a painter staying in Room 36. There is also a book involved with the title “Eiobon” which is one of those books that some off screen voice always reads from promising gloom and doom for dopes foolish enough to buy the old Seven Doors Hotel.
To the beginning bed and breakfast owner, it sounds a bit like a money pit. The unscrupulous real estate agent in me though is already trying to figure out how to work “every room comes equipped with a luxurious gateway hell and HBO” into the inevitable listing once the new owners get trapped in the zombie-infested basement! Continue reading
When we last left headband-clad biker tough Trash at the end of 1990: The Bronx Warriors, he was wandering the wreckage of his beloved Bronx after firing a grappling hook into Vic Morrow and briefly lamenting the death of the girl who had first caused him to rip off the plot of Escape From New York. Continue reading
The first time was for his ancient Indian burial ground! The second time was for his wife’s miscarriage! Now, Thunder is back for his biggest, most destructive revenge mission of all! When the local yokels destroyed Thunder’s RV park, they should have made sure he was in the camper, too! Continue reading
When we last saw Thunder, he was shooting arrows into cops, blowing up cars with a bazooka, and demolishing a bank and the police station in his home town with a stolen front end loader. Forced to take the law into his own hands when an Indian burial ground was being desecrated and when his girlfriend was almost raped, Thunder clearly didn’t have the time or patience for the White Man’s law. Especially since it was being enforced by crooked cops who hated Indians! It makes perfect sense then that Thunder II finds Thunder a deputy sheriff! Continue reading
The House by the Cemetery tells the semi-incoherent tale of the Boyle family who doesn’t have the greatest realtor in the world. Norman Boyle is a professor of something or other at a college in New York City. Along with Norman, the Boyles consist of a drug-dependent wife and a little blonde kid with gigantic lips named Bobby who was dubbed by what sounds like a drag queen with very little aptitude for impersonating males.
Norman’s taken the job of finishing the research of a colleague who has committed suicide and killed his mistress. Norman also wants to look into the suicide. Why do people always want to look into that kind of stuff in these movies? Maybe the dead guy was just nuts!
It doesn’t really matter though in this case since Norm’s investigation consists of hanging out at the library and listening to an audio tape. Continue reading
You can tell by checking out the crotch of the guy running around shooting and/or stabbing people whether your world has slipped into barbarism or not. If he’s just got some jeans on, you’re okay. He’s probably just some disenfranchised loner who hates women or the federal government. But if he’s wearing leather pants or worse, spandex drawers, with a codpiece attached to the outside of them, then you’ve gone and slipped into a world gone mad where the most prized possession is a fertile woman and the only rule is survival! Continue reading