Producer Augusto Caminito is at it again! The man who brought us the most famous Italian Indiana Jones clone ever to use a longshoreman’s hook in The Mines of Kilimanjaro rents some caves in Tunisia to dramatize the legendary quest for Cleopatra’s lost treasure in Mark of the Scorpion!
If you’ve never heard of Cleopatra’s lost treasure, don’t feel like a moron for letting your subscription to Sports Illustrated For Treasure Hunters lapse because her goodies turn out to be a mostly empty trunk with an ancient scroll and a few ugly gold trinkets in it! Continue reading
A war between man and machine that has raged for more than a century! A war that’s been fought all over the world from the jungles of Java to the wastelands of East Africa! A war that has seen the very fabric of time torn in freaking half like some sort of hapless phonebook owned by gargantuanly muscled she-freak star Sue Price!
Finally, in this fourth and concluding chapter, this war comes to an annihilating conclusion that will answer all your questions, satisfy all your desires, give closure to that eternal conflict between technology and its creators, and generally totally atomize your unworthy ass with its 70 minutes of nonstop talking, standing around, and bodybuilder boobs!
Most film directors usually feel compelled to adhere to a strictly “beginning, middle, and end” format to their movies even though we all know real life is just a bunch of rehashed flashbacks! Director Albert Pyun recognizes this and ingeniously combines his greatest works into one audaciously substandard mangled up cyborg of a movie with Nemesis 3: Time Lapse!
Nemesis 2: Nebula is twice as Nemesiser as Nemesis, taking everything that was awesome about the first movie (nothing) and just jacking it up with upgrades that could only come from director/writer Albert Pyun!
Gone are the chase scenes through the steaming jungles of Java! Now, all your chasing will happen in the much more Spartan east African desert! Well, it’s really the Spartan Arizona desert, but both of them start with the letter “A” so it’s all pretty much the same, right? Continue reading
Throughout our world’s future history, cyborgs have tried again and again to rise up against their fleshy masters and take control of our planet! They’ve repeatedly hatched all manner of schemes in an attempt to replace us for no real reason other than because they are pure mechanical evil!
Inevitably though, their plans always seem to break down into a mess of exposed wires, fluid, and ripped off arms. In fact, they never seem to take over much of anything except the market on leather pants and sunglasses. But now, Nemesis has arrived! Continue reading
I know what you’re thinking. “Ugh, another wan Indiana Jones imitation with lame stunts, rickety temples, and treasure that appears to be fashioned from tin foil and one of my grandma’s vases.” Continue reading
Don “The Dragon” Wilson has made some great movies (Cyber-Tracker 2). He’s made some near great movies (CyberTracker, Future Kick). And he’s made some not so great movies which I know is sort of a “duh” statement, but if you’re still not convinced by the sheer common sense of this, see Night Hunter. Still, I think we all knew that he had a really horrid, tedious movie in him (and probably several, if we’re being honest with ourselves) that emphasized his natural blandness while failing to emphasize his strengths such as diving out of the way of exploding cars and brawling with cyborgs. Continue reading
One can forgive director Robert Clouse if he went into Ironheart thinking that it was going to be anything other than a wormy turd the size of one of star Bolo Yeung’s pecs. Clouse had previously made a kung fu movie starring a guy named Lee which some have called the greatest of all time. The movie was Enter The Dragon and that particular Lee was of course Bruce. This time around Lee’s first name is Britton. As in not-so-great Britton. Continue reading
An important piece of work in the history of the cinema, Black Eagle sees the passing of the torch from one of our greatest second-rate action heroes of the early to mid 1980s to one of our greatest second-rate action heroes of the early to mid 1990s as Sho Kosugi squares off with Jean-Claude Van Damme in a muddled cold war flick marked chiefly by both stars’ inability to speak English intelligibly.
Sho of course made his name in such fare as Pray For Death and Revenge Of The Ninja, before becoming irrelevant by starring in movies like Rage Of Honor where the ninja stuff was played down for more generic action.
JCVD was just getting his start at this time and though we should have guessed that he peaked with Bloodsport in 1988 once we got a look at the next year’s Cyborg, he continued to trick moviegoers off and on for the next ten years or so (mainly by being in movies where he played twins). Continue reading
There’s a lot of stuff in Angel Town (directed by Eric Karson of Black Eagle fame) that doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Olivier Gruner‘s presence at Southern California University is good for about two scenes and nothing else. There’s some talk about Gruner training the Olympic team or something. There’s the flashbacks he has to his youth in France where he was treated poorly. And best of all, there’s the scene at the beginning of the movie when Gruner was still in France and a woman screws him in a cemetery! And he still decided to go to America! Continue reading