Empire of the Dark is like what would happen if your fat, out-of-shape, middle-aged dad who liked to stand around in the yard on the weekends with his douche friends waving swords at each other ever decided that merely being the embarrassment of the neighborhood was insufficient when there was a whole home video market he could be humiliating his relatives in. Hopefully any family members would be smart enough to steer clear of any involvement. After all, the only thing worse than one man having delusions about a career in film is passing those delusions on to his child. In some of our more liberal states, such antics may even amount to child abuse! Continue reading
When British novelist John Wyndham wasn’t busy crafting stories about killer plants taking over the world (The Day Of The Triffids), he was busy crafting stories about killer brats taking over the world. Village of the Damned is the movie version of his novel The Midwich Cuckoos and an interesting premise is let down by an abrupt and unsatisfying ending. Continue reading
At some point in Miami Golem, I realized that local TV reporter Craig Milford was quite low functioning, albeit still adept at handling a firearm and piloting an airboat through the Florida Everglades.
But it wasn’t because he only halfheartedly said it was crazy and didn’t immediately dump his new girlfriend when she said the strange things he recorded at the university lab weren’t a message from Atlantis but from aliens from another dimension. (If a woman is hot enough her crazy talk doesn’t really register.) Continue reading
It’s a conspiracy spanning the cold depths of space from Earth to Mars and back again! And for the people in charge of America’s space program, the stakes have never been higher! (Stakes like avoiding budget cuts – this is a government agency after all.)
For the ex-pilot at the center of it all, it’s a chance for redemption after a flight that went horribly wrong and killed three people on the ground, leaving him so depressed, a job at NASA impersonating the most famous (but dead) astronaut of all time, sounded like a great career choice. Continue reading
I understand that if you’re the last man on earth and your survival necessitates that you make a feature film for some reason that you’re going to have do all of it – writing, editing, producing, working the casting couch and all the rest of the drudgery associated with making a cheap sci-fi movie, no matter whether you are actually talented enough to do it well.
But as far as I know, back in 1982, there was no apocalypse that would force a guy to write, direct and produce a movie about his post-apocalyptic life whose chief attribute was its nonstop use of annoying background music that made me think I was watching a glorified silent movie. A silent movie with mutants and Sid Haig as a sadistic thug to be sure, but it wasn’t like they were the stars. Continue reading
From the four corners of the world, eight cyborgs leave their current civilian lives, putting their dreams of being a race car driver, ballerina, and bull fighter on hold so that they might help one of their own and also to save Earth!
Once they join forces, the greatest super team of all team is back in action! Yes true believer, your suspicions are well-founded! The dream is alive and well! Finally after twenty-five years, the Galaxy Legion has reunited to combat evil, to cast light upon the dark, and to find out how 006’s career as a matador is working out! Continue reading
Dr. Jekyll’s research project consumes his every waking hour. He explains to his pal, Professor Robertson, that he is going to come up with something that will cure every disease all at once. Robertson doubts this very much and kindly points out that it will probably take him two years to cure cholera, two more for typhus and so on. Jekyll rapidly does the math and since he is a brilliant doctor, realizes that if it takes him a full two years to cure each and every disease, he could be well into his fifties before he gets through most of the important ones. If only there was some way for him to live forever. (Or at least long enough to finally cure his greasy hair.) Continue reading
Houston, we have a problem. A lot of them. There’s the drug dealing scum stealing seized heroin and killing people. There’s drug dealing scum from outer space stealing heroin from the human drug dealing scum and killing people. There’s the slimy FBI guys who don’t want justice, but only want the alien so that his tech can be weaponized. But mostly, Houston has a Dolph Lundgren problem! And that problem is that his superiors keep trying to stop him from kicking the ass of drug pushers, no matter what planet they might be from! Continue reading
Def-Con 4 is a cautionary tale, sending a message that we would all do well to heed. And that message is that all you hot high school chicks who break up with their controlling douche bag boyfriends better think twice because the little prick could end up being the psychopathic warlord who runs the dirty survivor’s settlement that’s the last bastion of what passes for civilization after our world has been nuked into oblivion in World War III! Continue reading
This is actually the third movie that features Godzilla‘s chrome Doppelganger, though it is the first time humans and not aliens have piloted it. They don’t have any better results than when the aliens were in the cockpit, but they do manage to send Godzilla back to the ocean and award him custody of a cutesy baby Godzilla, so we can pretty much call Godzilla the loser in this one. Continue reading