When you think about, a sniper is a perfect job for Steven Seagal in a movie. He doesn’t seem to like roles that require much movement, yet expects to be able to shoot about forty nameless pukes in every movie. As a sniper, Steve not only doesn’t have to move a lot, but for much of the time he can even lean lazily against sandbags just waiting for the perfect shot! In the opening scenes of Sniper: Special Ops you almost wondered if his spotter was asking him “now?” repeatedly just to make sure the big lug hadn’t just gone and dozed off! Continue reading
With Code of Honor, it’s clear that we’ve entered a new era of interchangeably low rent Steven Seagal action films – the era of sniper bifocals. Recent Seagal films such as A Good Man and Absolution have seen the rotund rageaholic sporting eyeglasses, presumably because they are necessary to ensure the perfect head shot at whatever scumbag from a no name Eastern European he’s feuding with. Of course paired with hair that looks like it was either spray painted on or was a wig from an after Halloween clearance sale and the silly “special forces in Afghanistan” scarf, it just looks like your bloated up grandpa made the ill advised decision that he was going to the paintball range in full costume. Continue reading
As R.E.M. might have sung if they were actually cool, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and Steven Seagal feels fine! And if it was a disappointment that big Steve didn’t take the opportunity to sing such a song for the movie’s soundtrack as he’s done in past efforts (most notably the haunting for all the wrong reasons end credit song for Into the Sun), all of us Seagal-loving doomsday preppers can take solace that Steve’s sword and shotgun feel fine as well. As does his trusty 3XL size leather trench coat! Continue reading
The best Steven Seagal film of the last 10 years! I said that to myself giddily as Absolution opened with Steve providing some narration about how he has lost faith in mankind. And how he did some bad things but he wanted to do one good thing before he died. I was pleading with Steve to make that one good thing he was going to do be this movie! And like some gargantuan-sized wish-granting Buddha with a horse hair rug stapled to his head, he freaking did it! Continue reading
Max was a good cop. Until they killed him. Steven Seagal was a shadowy special ops dude and he probably never had a black bag job that involved killing every gang banger in south central L.A. Until they killed his son.
Like a 4XL-sized plague of Egypt destroying the first born (and second, third and fourth) homies all over the Hood, by the end of things Steve has shot, punched, kicked, stabbed, and grenaded his way to the promised land of sweet paternal vengeance. Continue reading
But even after Ghost terminates Abu, the drone fires! Ghost grabs a nearby child and dives out of the way of the incoming missile causing engineers at Lockheed Martin to no doubt wonder what sort of superhuman could have avoided certain death at the hands of their $110,000 per unit airborne assassin! Continue reading
Director Michael Keusch brings out the best in Steven Seagal. He got Steve to stab a bunch of folks in Attack Force and in Shadow Man he somehow convinces Steve not to rock his long black leather trenchcoat until the last third of the movie thus keeping the fanbase riveted to all the mayhem wreaked in budget-friendly Romania. Continue reading
I get the sense that Steven Seagal and director Don E. FauntLeRoy wound up 2005’s Today You Die, looked at what an awesome opera of action violence they wreaked and Don said to Steve, “if that’s what we could do when you’re just an armored car driver, what would happen if you were the most decorated veteran of the first Gulf War?” And Steve responded with, “and I was the leader of an elite team of mercenaries?” Don says, “that just might be one of our best projects of 2006!” Steve is nodding his chins and Don seals the deal with “have you ever been to Cape Town, South Africa, Steve?” Continue reading
Jonathan Cold is back! Presumed dead after his last deadly mission, Cold proves that when you’re the best in the business, and your business is doing dirty deeds for the Company, staying dead is sometimes even harder than saving the world!
I must confess that when I heard Cold was back in the game, two thoughts raced through my mind. The first one was that I couldn’t wait to see Cold use his unique talents to bust open whatever international terrorist scheme some third world dirtbag was attempting to unleash. The second thought I had was, “who the hell is Jonathan Cold?” Continue reading
Steven Seagal (Out of Reach) stabs a guy in the neck with some chopsticks. He rams a dude’s head into a series of pachinko machines. He throws a guy out of a window. He even chops a guy’s arm off with a sword. With that laundry list of lethalness that Steve lays down in this film, I’m not quite sure where all this hate for Seagal is coming from.
I don’t know about anyone else, but when I see a Seagal movie, I’m looking for him to mete out justice and/or vengeance as often and as flamboyantly as possible. And it’s not like Seagal is just some boring killing machine who can’t be touched. He even got kicked in the head in this one! Continue reading