Welcome one and all to Ocean View Park, the gassiest place on Earth! You might think it’s called that because of the green cotton candy the awkwardly shy Jenny Flowers is spinning between bouts of self-loathing or because frazzled college student and popcorn machine expert Phil Brady, who is also saddled with a pregnant clairvoyant wife (this is a total 1970s TV movie, isn’t it?), is handing out boxes of popcorn to disgruntled customers angry at the machine being broken down.
And it very well could have been, but the film never indicated that star Mike Connors’ frequently pained facial expressions were caused by an inordinate amount of guest flatulence. The film does indicate, and this is very instructive for future theme park designers, that the gas main running through the park probably shouldn’t be right next to the old wooden roller coaster. Continue reading
Yesterday’s Child depicts a more innocent time in our history when a messed up rich family with a missing child didn’t have to worry about genetic testing uncovering the awful truth about what really happened all those years ago when mom supposedly lost poor little Ann at the park playing hide and seek. But even living in the dark ages where disgruntled heirs had to just take the word of a stranger who rolls in with just enough circumstantial evidence to convince a desperate and domineering grandmother that the hot little lady on the door step is her long last granddaughter, and more importantly the long lost granddaughter entitled to her dead daddy’s trust, there were other more low tech ways to make sure she really was part of your insane family. Continue reading
Something is terribly wrong at the Tower Mountain Research Station! It’s horror at high altitude when two scientists arrive to replace one of their colleagues whose radio transmissions have grown increasingly erratic and they discover him dead at the radio, once a brilliant man, now only an egghead-flavored Popsicle, but worse, he left the lab a total mess! Continue reading
“You have your team, your buddies, your football, your Super Bowl! Well hell, I went out and had sex! It felt good!” Over-the-hill cornerback Dave Walecki’s wife sure gives an offbeat pre game pep talk to her understandably confused husband in this understandably hilarious TV-movie that constantly talks about the Super Bowl but delivers the ultimate shock ending by finishing up right in the middle of the National Anthem before a single down of the Big Game can be played! Continue reading
It’s a conspiracy spanning the cold depths of space from Earth to Mars and back again! And for the people in charge of America’s space program, the stakes have never been higher! (Stakes like avoiding budget cuts – this is a government agency after all.)
For the ex-pilot at the center of it all, it’s a chance for redemption after a flight that went horribly wrong and killed three people on the ground, leaving him so depressed, a job at NASA impersonating the most famous (but dead) astronaut of all time, sounded like a great career choice. Continue reading
So little transpired in The Stone Tape that it attempted to ratchet up the suspense by introducing a subplot about a guy trying to invent a really nifty washing machine! Continue reading
Child Of Glass, a forgettably innocuous TV movie about pre-teens and ghosts shown on The Wonderful World Of Disney TV program back in 1978, is fondly remembered by a number of adults who saw it as kids when it first aired as a spooky tale worthy of repeated viewings. Modern kids whose nostalgia-blinded parents force them to watch what amounts to a horror movie with training wheels will surely wonder what all the fuss is about.
But don’t judge your lame out-of-touch parents too harshly, modern kids! When Child of Glass aired, the only other TV options were The Hardy Boys Mysteries, which was basically the same program, but for teenagers and 60 Minutes which continues to air in zombie-like fashion to this very day! (In retrospect, Dan Rather investigating the “disco craze” is surely more frightening than anything Child of Glass can serve up.) Continue reading
The Intruder Within unsurprisingly accomplishes less than Alien, which it relentlessly rips off for its 90 minutes. But The Intruder Within accomplishes all this failure with less resources! Continue reading
The problem with The Mooncussers is that it manages to steal copiously from Treasure Island which isn’t really an awful thing to do since that was a great Disney movie and I’ve always said that if you’re going to steal, you should steal from pirates because it isn’t their crap to begin with.
It’s just that if you’re going to re-use the entire “pirate pretending to be good guy actually deep down has a soft spot for the kid” gimmick, your pirate should be convincing in being a pal to this kid and the kid probably shouldn’t be wearing a red silk shirt for a good portion of the movie. Continue reading
This is the film that Lucio Fulci did along with The Sweet House Of Horrors for the “Doomed Houses” series of TV movies in Italy that also consisted of House of Lost Souls and House of Witchcraft from Umberto Lenzi. The House of Clocks is less painful to sit through the The Sweet House of Horrors, but that doesn’t alter the fact that The House of Clocks is typical of late period Fulci TV fare where production values, acting, and story all compete to see which is the shoddiest. And guess what? They’re all winners! Continue reading