Agent 3S3, Massacre in the Sun (1966)

The island paradise of San Felipe has undergone a revolution! The charismatic General Siqueiros has assumed control! Those assisting him though have an agenda far beyond a simple dictatorship of a inconsequential banana republic! They’re scheming to put the entire world at their mercy through the mad scientist Karlesten’s efforts to develop a deadly missile-carried gas! And only one man can stop him! Walter Ross, Agent 3S3! And he not only has a license to kill, but also a license to spank!

Yeah, he’s pretty much not only the coolest secret agent ever, but the kinkiest, too! Thankfully, he understands that with great kinkiness also comes great responsibility and that perhaps the most important aspect of having a license to spank is to know exactly when to deploy it! So it is then, that he liberally uses his license to kill on a variety of grubby bad guys, but only pulls out the license to spank on the super hot dark haired vixen who is always trying to kill him!

And before all you sensitive guys and ladies in pantsuits register your outrage at 3S3’s boorish behavior, you should know that it wasn’t like 3S3 didn’t give this bad girl all sorts of chances. He didn’t complain when she test fired a bazooka on her own men. And when she was teaching some soldier a lesson by continuously beating him with a quarterstaff, he didn’t embarrass her by paddling her in front of the rest of the men. And he even declined to use the license to spank when he needed some information by choosing instead to threaten her with electrocution while she was taking a bath! By God, he had the patience of Job!

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Only when she tried to whack him with her infernal stick, did he finally decide enough was enough and reluctantly administered a spanking. As you would expect from an experienced secret agent with a license to spank, he knew exactly what he was doing because he spanked her right into having sex with him! Another indication of his experience in the spy business is that he realized that he still had a mission to complete after all that! Any normal guy would have retired from the service right then and there and bragged about it for the rest of his life!

Delicious domestic discipline games aside, Agent 3S3: Massacre in the Sun isn’t content with merely presenting its titular hero as a randy stud. There’s also General Siqueiros whose strongman policies include a presidential residence that resembles the Playboy Mansion!

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Scantily-clad babes abound and as 3S3 gets the full tour we are treated to beauties in glass cages, indoor swimming pools full of sexy ladies, and most spectacular of all (if not also a bit creepy), an indoor playground complete with slides and teeter-totters that women dressed as schoolgirls play on! Whatever their ideological differences, 3S3 surely can’t argue with the man’s education policy!

One point where 3S3 and the government of San Felipe differ on though is which martial art is the most kick ass! Radek, the evil head of security loves to tout the wonders of bo-jitsu. Bo-jitsu is the ancient art of hitting a guy with a stick. It’s what earned that chick her spanking. 3S3 is more traditional (as his chosen method of punishing gorgeous broads would suggest) and favors karate. So it is that we have a karate vs. bo-jitsu fight between Radek’s assistant and 3S3. It’s not great, but it’s what passes for action in a movie where one of the most dramatic stunts has 3S3 driving a truck down some stairs.

I would be doing you a great disservice though if I left you with the impression that 3S3’s second adventure (incredibly, there is actually an earlier film called Agent 3S3: Passport to Hell!) consists mainly of swinging sixties naughtiness and barely off-road trucking. 3S3 also survives a pretty nasty mid-air situation that has a guy dealing with an overweight airplane by dropping dudes out of the bomb bay doors! He even manages to shake off a little dose of electrocution that Radek arranges by electrifying a pool ladder while 3S3 tries to climb it!

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And gadgets? Every secret agent loves them! And while 3S3 may not have be outfitted with the geekiest of cutting edge spy tech, he does get to see a tape recorder in a brief case! There’s also some infrared goggles that allow him to blast dirt bags in the dark! And a shirt button with an address on it. That’s sort of like some super duper micro film stuff, right?

While the tension over whether the scientist and his deadly gas will be foiled never quite fills the viewer with dread so much as with a dull inevitability, it’s hard to complain about the good and evil chicks cat fighting near a missile while another character gets a knife in the wrist and shot in the head. Toss in the Russian agent posing as 3S3’s contact who trades car bombs with 3S3 before being forced to help stop the launching of the gassy missiles (he’s a chemist who whips up a neutralizing potion in about five minutes!) and though it may be not be the butt blistering espionage thrills you were hoping for, it’s still a love tap that any Eurospy fan won’t object to!

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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