Psycho Cop Returns (1993)

PsychoCopTwoCoverAs soon as you see Psycho Cop eating a donut in slow motion at the beginning of Psycho Cop Returns, you know the Psycho Cop series is on the way up after an initial outing that was by turns unrelentingly bad and blandly forgettable. The scene in the diner where Psycho Cop eavesdrops on a couple of office drones planning a bachelor party establishes that everything we loved about Psycho Cop (he’s a fat pig!) will remain, while ditching the dumb stuff (college kids on vacation at an isolated mansion), and adding a new and exciting nemesis to battle the evil fatty fuzz (strippers!).

Then, as if to confirm that this isn’t your slow-witted step-brother’s Psycho Cop, the opening credits play! It’s a rocking tune with police sirens as one of the instruments and the credits are interspersed with shots of Psycho Cop’s cop car. There’s all sorts of satanic symbols painted in blood in it! Body parts are freaking everywhere inside! I don’t even know how Psycho Cop had room to sit down in there! Especially with his fat ass! His license plate is even attached upside down! All of us strong Satanists recognize that as the ultimate salute to the Horned One!

So, in about five minutes this second iteration of Psycho Cop proves to be a million times cooler than the doughy goon that lurched around the woods stealing beer and hairbrushes in his previous adventure! And as the movie progresses, Psycho Cop keeps things dialed up as he manages to murder his way through a high rise!

For instance, he finds a pair of panties in a copy room, smells them, announces that he suspects “foreplay” and then pockets the naughty knickers! That’s just not an awesome Psycho Cop moment, but one any movie monster could be proud of! Freddy can have his razor fingers and Jason can wear his hockey mask! Me? I’m with the lard butt panty sniffing copper!

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Psycho Cop gets lots of help in this one as well! Before he crashes the bachelor party, the movie concentrates on the office life of our non-Psycho Cop characters. The boss is a pinched old man who mutters cuss words at his employees though some of that may be understandable since the employees seem to spend much of the workday planning bachelor parties in the conference room and sexually harassing the hot babes that work there.

There’s also a couple screwing each other in the copy room which you would think might impede the functioning of the office, but the only guy that needs to use the copy machine is using it photocopy his face so that he can fax it to the sexy chick that works in accounting! Heck, who needs Psycho Cop? This would have been a great movie without him!

And then the strippers show up! These three brickhouses roll in with their cowboy hats, chaps and other gear and get down to business! The business of gyrating, thrusting, and yes, stripping!

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What really classed things up when this was going on was the office guys had an old stag film featuring an ugly guy named Sponge Head playing on the conference room movie screen!

And this isn’t the sort of movie where you get ten seconds of stripper action before we switch over to Psycho Cop doing whatever it is he’s up to. Like we even care what he’s doing anymore! Keep shoving that thong in my face, you dirty hussy!

But Psycho Cop isn’t about to be upstaged by some well-developed dancers demonstrating the benefits of regular yoga classes! Invading the office building with a flourish (he stabs a guy in the eye with a pencil!), Psycho Cop starts playing around with the elevators causing one of the guys to go down and check out what’s happening. What follows is a movie best described as Psycho Cop meets Die Hard with strippers! If John McClane was the bodacious blonde from accounting, you wouldn’t know the dang difference at all!

It’s almost like Psycho Cop knew he was competing against hot babes and randy office goings on because all his chins are working overtime in this one! The violence is plentiful and really nasty! People get shot in the head and all sorts of junk splatters the wall! Axes are embedded into people! Someone gets pitched off the roof and lands in a dumpster! Two people get speared together!

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Even Psycho Cop gets a good dose of his own medicine as he takes an ax to the guts, gets tossed down an elevator shaft, set on fire, and beaten senseless with baseball bats by an angry mob! Do not mess strippers, my portly friend!

Psycho Cop even gets in on the fax games, faxing pictures of dead office workers to the ones that were still alive!

Psycho Cop is still prone to off putting over-the-top mugging and has a fake-deep voice that doesn’t really cut it as far as evil guys go, but at least he spews out slightly better dialogue. In one scene he’s searching for a girl and starts saying “one Adam 12! One Adam 12!” for no reason.

Sure there are still groaners like how he’s always been good at “killing time” but he is nowhere near as irritating as he was in the first movie where I think if he’d just kept yakking, folks would have saved him the trouble of killing them and just impaled themselves so they wouldn’t have to hear him anymore!

Psycho Cop, the gore, and the humor are all functioning at optimal levels in this one, leaving the first Psycho Cop movie looking like the ugly 1980s girls it featured while Psycho Cop Returns is as stacked as the awesome body of star and 1993 Penthouse Pet of the Year Julie Strain!

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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