Before this movie started I didn’t even know what continent Damascus was on! If that’s the sort of detail that really matters to you when you’re watching a movie, Goliath at the Conquest of Damascus begins with a map with labels and narrator to walk you through it. For me though, by the time the guy was babbling on about the fourth different set of tribes fighting over some sandy armpit the civilized world quit caring about thousands of years ago, I just gave up trying to sort out what some guy named Thor was doing in the middle of it all. Unleash the glistening guns of whatever gargantuan grapple god this movie stars already!
One desert raid and princess kidnapping later and we are finally delivered from our beefcakeless bondage! Goliath (Peter Lupus as Rock Stevens) arrives on scene sporting muscle tits so mammoth they were easily the eighth and ninth wonders of the ancient world!
All over smooth and rocking a luscious blue tunic that gave proper respect to man tit number one and two as well as the two redwoods that were his legs, Goliath immediately accepts the assignment to go deep undercover and rescue the princess!
There’s quite a bit of political intrigue with spies, different alliances and armies marching here and there and even the most ardent of muscleman maniacs has to admit that it slows the movie down, especially in the second half, but there’s more than enough of Goliath and his gorgeous gluts grunting and grasping other guys to keep your grip on things!
Goliath doesn’t waste anytime wading into an ocean of available men either! After first meeting with the good king, Goliath is told to go get some rest. So he heads to the tavern! Where they hate outsiders!
As soon as he walks in, you’ll be sizing up all the tables, chairs, and railings for imminent destruction! And you can’t blame Goliath! He just wants to sit down and have a drink, but the patrons treat him like he has cooties!
What follows can only be described as entirely predictable and undoubtedly awesome! It’s Goliath against fifty guys with Goliath adopting a strategy that sees him go with a hand to hand approach and then as he gets loosened up, transitions to using giant chunks of table.
By the end of things, Goliath has got this ugly look on his face and was just swinging a huge plank of wood at whomever was stupid enough to blunder within reach!
Goliath heads off on his secret mission the next morning, but the idea of him going undercover seemed suspect considering the fact that a tall, tan rippling Rock Hudson look-alike in a cape wasn’t exactly the sort of costume that blends in on the streets of Middle Eastern city.
It all worked out though when he happened upon a group of gladiators wrestling each other in the street! Is this heaven? No, it’s Damascus!
Goliath stands in the audience watching with evident appreciation, smiling and raising his eyebrows as these big dudes in brown briefs played grab ass while people bet on the outcome of the match.
Unable to contain himself, Goliath offers to wrestle the champ in an effort to win some money back for a guy he needs to talk to about his mission. But is this guy a double agent?
No time to worry about that small detail because Goliath’s next step in his big plan is to follow a bad guy across the desert to the cave hideout of the evil tribe that has imprisoned the princess.
He gains their trust by beating them all up and going on a mission for them to capture the prince who was going to be married to the princess. Then he goes on another mission to deliver a message to Thor in Damascus!
When these people aren’t yakking about all the alliances and schemes, they’re sending poor old Goliath all over on what amounts to a very dry and dusty scavenger hunt! Goliath never evidences any wear and tear, but the viewer sure does! Let’s get back to Goliath flexing some poor bastards into Jahannam!
And then like an oasis to a man dying of thirst in the middle of the Sahara, the phrase “Pass of Death” is uttered and Goliath is charged with his most action-packed mission yet: leading a small team of men to hold the Pass of Death against the charging cavalry of the bad guys!
And his team of men? All the gladiators from Goliath’s days as a street wrestler earlier in the film! Goliath ups the ante by putting on a disguise so he can beat up the very tribe he is supposed to be working for! Much carnage ensues, highlighted by several walls of fire used to keep the cavalry trapped!
Even if Goliath isn’t, the movie is pretty much blown up by this point and director Domenico Paolella (Hercules Against the Mongols) can barely muster up much of a final battle with Goliath getting all his friends killed in a rather silly charge against the walls of Damascus.
Goliath doesn’t even get the main event showdown with Thor! The old good king gets that and it’s brief and completely forgettable.
Whatever the movie’s faults (too long, too slow, Goliath never tied up or whipped), you can’t fault Goliath. Whenever he and his jacked up jugs are given the chance, he’s working hard at brawling and being strong and stuff.
Solid Middle East sword and sandal with nice locations. And Goliath even manages to take part of the statue of the bad guys’ god and stabs their leader with it! Guess your god should have spent some time in the gym like Goliath, huh?
© 2014 MonsterHunter
