The Dark Side of the Moon (1990)

It’s Satan vs. the Mullet! In outer space! With not much at stake! And one of the more bogus mysteries of all time solved!

I’ll be the first to admit though that despite that really great set up, the movie failed to deliver on its obvious promise.

The movie’s script was the root of its problems since I didn’t understand anything that was happening. Twin brothers apparently wrote it and they must have been using that twin ESP all twins have so that it made sense to them, but not to us non-twins that weren’t plugged into their secret language.

The beginning of the movie is a reassuringly routine affair with Spacecore 1 on a mission to repair nuclear-armed satellites and encountering an old space shuttle that was lost decades earlier.

That discovery coincides with Spacecore 1 losing its power, thus requiring the crew to not only dock with the derelict shuttle, but also to prowl around it in search of spare parts. Such activity is a necessity in these haunted-house-in-space movies where everyone needs to split up to ratchet up tension for the alien presence that’s mega-powerful, but for some reason can only take on one person at a time and then can’t trick the other humans with its body snatching/possession abilities for very long.

The Mullet in charge of the spaceship locates a deceased crew member aboard the shuttle and immediately ships its alien possessed body back to the med lab on Spacecore 1 so that the alien can run riot over the rest of the crew, I mean, so they can do an autopsy.

Dark Side of the Moon 1

As I was watching this all too familiar tale play out with the crew suspecting each other of being evil, trying to kill one another, and running off to the shuttle in ones and twos so they could be easy pickings, I wondered if in the movie’s reality that they didn’t have movies like Planet of the Vampires, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, and Alien.

I know if I was up there and some dude was trying to haul a corpse onto my ship from a long lost spaceship, I’d tell him that he could do whatever he needed to do back on the other ship. Just because I was in space in real life, doesn’t mean I’d throw away a lifetime of lessons learned from gory sci-fi flicks!

I knew though that things would turn to crap as soon as that dead guy with the mysterious chest wound was brought aboard Spacecore 1. What I didn’t anticipate was how mindnumblingly convoluted the story would become.

The Dark Side Of The Moon insists on a story where Satan is somehow responsible for the Bermuda Triangle. On the dark side of the moon! But not only that! He can also take over people’s bodies, make them talk in really deep voices, and wear yellow contacts!

The fact that the Mullet in charge spends long tedious stretches of the movie unraveling all of this with the help of the super sexy robot computer only makes things worse.

Dark Side of the Moon 2

Why would a satellite repair ship have a computer in the shape of a heavily made-up broad dressed in leather sitting in an office chair? And why would she use a twelve letter cuss word when she encountered Satan? I guess Old Scratch brings out the worst in everyone, even androids!

The Mullet sits at the computer and gets all this information on the lost space shuttle, finding out that two guys splashed down in the Bermuda triangle with the guy they found still in the shuttle reported as missing. Then he uses some diagram to show that the Bermuda Triangle on Earth matches up with some area of the moon and that Spacecore 1 is right smack dab in the middle of it all!

Even more chilling is that when all the latitude and longitude numbers other than six are removed from the Bermuda Triangle, it reveals 666! In space, no one can hear you gasp over questionable numerology!

If that was the limit of this film’s dimwittedness, I wouldn’t have minded it so much, but then they go and show us that part of the space shuttle has been flooded. With sea water! And seaweed! And the Mullet even has to fight off some giant sea worm that looks suspiciously like a dryer hose painted black!

And the movie is so bad, it even fails to be convincing in the simple stuff. The Mullet is in the flooded shuttle getting some “relays” that Spacecore 1 needs to power back up or something. The relay is just a big circuit board, but the Mullet manages to drag the thing in the water and throw it all over the place like it was an inner tube and not some highly sophisticated piece of electronic gear!

Dark Side of the Moon 3

The movie plays out like these things always do, with everyone threatening to shoot everyone else because no one is sure who is currently hosting Satan.

There’s a terribly dopey scene where the Mullet realizes the guy he’s drinking coffee with is infected because he took cream in his coffee even though this guy told us all at the beginning of the movie he was deathly allergic to cream! Ha! Take that Satan! Maybe next time your total evilness will include doing research on the idiots you possess! And yes, this is the sort of movie where the business with the cream is the only personal thing we know about any of the characters!

I knew there was no hope for this movie when the Devil was explaining his moronic scheme to the Mullet and I wanted to laugh in his face!

He’s out to be more powerful than God and every soul he takes increases his strength. Fair enough, but your plan involves you just sitting there on the moon and somehow and for some reason just picking off pilots and sailors in the Bermuda Triangle? At that rate of collecting souls, you’ll be ready in what – 10 gazillion years?

And since Satan is real in this movie universe, that means the God who kicked his dumb ass out of heaven is real, too. Does Satan really think God is just going to sit on his thumb doing nothing while Satan keeps pirating souls?

I’m sure it all made sense to the twins who wrote this, even if to us normal folks the concept was pretty much the Bermuda Triangle of movie plots.

© 2014 MonsterHunter

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