Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

In an age of wussy concepts perpetuated on our nation’s youth by government schools such as conflict resolution and mediation, were it made today, Godzilla’s Revenge would certainly be slapped with a warning, if not outright banned by the Surgeon General!

Its message that the only thing bullies understand is having their ass beat is one that the morally relativistic liberals in charge of indoctrinating our kids find to be completely anathema to their belief that every aggressive screw up and spoiled brat is simply a misunderstood disabled child in need of more taxpayer money to handle.

Right thinking Americans everywhere though will agree with Godzilla’s parenting technique of stomping on his son’s tail to encourage him to stop being such a pussy and fight the evil bully monster Gabara toe to toe until that bumpy, horned jerk is taught a lesson!

Godzilla’s father of the year performance is just one of several reasons that Godzilla’s Revenge is highly recommended family viewing. Godzilla roughing up his pansy kid Minilla not only helps Minilla’s balls to finally drop, but also provides the guidance that the human child Ichiro needs in his confrontation with a pair of bank robbers!

Far too often, violence in entertainment is portrayed as being somehow harmful to young and developing minds, but here Ichiro’s fantasies of monsters beating the tar out of each other give him the idea to bite a kidnapper and provide him the opportunity to escape! So long as Democrats keep trampling on our Second Amendment rights and don’t allow our children to bring their guns to school for self protection, we need movies like this to demonstrate how kids can defend themselves in a hand-to-hand combat situation against villainous adults.


Ichiro’s life is pretty sucky. He’s a little twerp who gets picked up by the neighbor gang. He lives in the shadow of dirty factories. His parents work all the time and he has to go home after school to an empty house, his only contact is the kindly inventor how lives nearby.

If he were the coddled kid of a doctor or lawyer in America, he would probably be out stealing stuff, taking drugs, and raping other kids. Instead, he works on the computer he’s building and pretends that he’s best friends with Minilla.

Thankfully, he lives in a country that totally understands obsessions with giant monsters so the adults just laugh it off when they find out he’s inspired by Godzilla and company. In quick fix America, he’d be doped up to the gills and seeing a therapist to “process” his feelings. You know how they “process” stuff on Monster Island? By chucking boulders at giant spiders! I just processed your ass Kumonga and I feel great!

If Ichiro’s dream trips to Monster Island seem at once both awesome and vaguely familiar, it’s because Monster Island’s isn’t just filled with the biggest and best monsters ever, but with the biggest and best stock footage ever, too!


No less than four previous Toho monster movies are represented to varying degrees in Godzilla’s Revenge! If you like your Godzilla flick with just a dash of Gorosaurus or Manda, but don’t mind a bigger dose of Ebirah, you really can’t go wrong here!

Luckily for Ichiro, Minilla and us, Godzilla is in a pretty foul mood for most of the movie. Every time we’re transported to Monster Island, Godzilla is busy brawling with one of his fellow island residents.

If he isn’t getting squirted in the eye with some of Kumonga’s webbing, he’s shooting down Giant Condor with his radioactive breath or throwing around Kamacuras like a large praying mantis-shaped sack of crap! What’s so nice about it is that he’s being such a great role model for that little sissy Minilla! Leading by example is Godzilla’s parenting style!

Back in the real world, Ichiro not only puts his newfound toughness to use against the bank robbers, but also against the bastard kid who’s been bullying him! His confrontation with the bully is documented in loving detail through the use of freeze frame moments that allow us to see up close the pure rage that Ichiro’s monster-fantasy-fueled vengeance has unleashed!


Not content with merely humiliating the bully, Ichiro cements his status as the new bad ass on the block by harassing a guy painting a billboard and causing him to dump paint on himself! Somewhere Godzilla is pumping his fists in appreciation!

Roundly criticized by most fans of Godzilla for being a kiddie flick with hardly any original monster action, these views reveal that the cynicism here isn’t the naked money grab by the filmmakers, but lie within the critics themselves!

What’s wrong with stringing together a bunch of previously used scenes of monster fights to fill out a story with such an important message for kids? Kids are too stupid to know how many seconds of King Kong Escapes was used in this movie! They just want to know how to jack up that older punk who keeps stealing their lunch money! Godzilla, Minilla and their big violent friends give them the answer! If you haven’t watched this film with your child, the next time he or she comes home all beat to hell by some other kid, ask yourself who the real monster is – Godzilla or you?

© 2014 MonsterHunter

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