Interceptor Force is back! And this time they’re actually called Interceptor Force! Well, most of the time, the mission is so apocalyptic the chief of Interceptor Force just calls it I-Force because there just isn’t time for those extra three syllables!
There’s also no time to inform the viewer much about what exactly I-Force is. It’s lucky then that the I-Force HQ (a room with people milling around PC workstations with cheesy shaped monitors) has a giant seal affixed to the wall that says “The Final Line of Defense.” That doesn’t really explain anything of course but it does confirm that any slogan on a seal really ought to be in Latin for maximum effect. Continue reading “Interceptor Force 2 (2002)”
We’ve all been there. A special ops goes sideways, the enemy one step ahead of us and cutting through our unit like a buzzsaw, only leaving one or two guys left alive to reminisce/be haunted/get revenge for it years later.
While it is sad that all those guys on the team we didn’t even know got shot and blown up, it provides our heroes a much needed bonding experience that can be referenced and exploited throughout the rest of the film. And in best case scenarios like in Target of Opportunity, it allows for our heroes to develop a trademark gimmick such as the fist bump they do while talking about never leaving the other behind. Damn, these dudes are more in love than me and my wife! Continue reading “Target of Opportunity (2005)”
When I first heard there was something called a Mummy Theme Park, I was like “where the hell do I sign up for a season pass?” I was imagining all the good times my family and I would be having on the Tutankhamen Twister, getting some mini golf in at the Sphinx Links, and enjoying a repast of Horus d’oeuvres while washing it down with some Scarab Beetlebeer. It was going to be like going to the Harry Potter theme park, but with bad ass mummies lurching here and there instead of snot-nosed British gits waving wands in your face.
But then the movie started and I felt like I was being put through the beginning stages of mummification. You know, the part where you get a rod shoved into your cranial cavity so the brain can be broken up and run out of your nose. It was like that. But worse. Continue reading “The Mummy Theme Park (2000)”
Have you ever been forced to watch The Breakfast Club by one of your hipster friends, suffering through all the whining those self-absorbed brats engage in, while you friend acts like it’s some great revelation about how hard it high school is and thought just how awesome it would be if all of them were viciously murdered by a giant tree?
I know! Who hasn’t wished for a scene where instead of Molly Ringwald arguing with Judd Nelson, both of their chests would be split wide open by really pointy limb? Or that Anthony Michael-Hall’s head would be crushed in a giant wooden claw hand? In short, Scarecrow, is the movie for folks whose favorite character in The Breakfast Club is Principal Vernon. Continue reading “Scarecrow (2013)”
When will these small towns learn? Sometimes the smart thing to do is to learn how to stop worrying and learn to love the gals practicing witchcraft. As soon as the first crop failure, baby born with fangs or town poopyhead is turned into a deformed goat, the reactionary elements in the town immediately want to hit Home Depot for some wooden stakes and lighter fluid!
But how many times do they go through with this only to have a curse laid down on them, their descendants and town? Every single time! And how many times after this happens to every single small-minded small town does the next one decide that maybe a town hall meeting on tolerance should be explored instead? Never! Continue reading “The Hollow (2015)”
At first blush, following a prophecy seems like a pretty easy gig. The religious leader of your choice announces what’s going to happen and what you have to do to ensure it happens. Sure, it usually always ends up with you trying to score sexy virgins for your leader, bringing about the rapture by getting into a standoff with some obscure government agency or drinking weird tasting punch, but at least it’s all relatively straight forward.
In the small town of Hope though, the prophecy involves a preacher dead for 100 years coming back as a scarecrow and then being reborn in human form by forcing an outsider to have his not-so-immaculately conceived self somehow. It’s enough to give even the most brainwashed cult member pause. Continue reading “Hallowed Ground (2007)”
“Y’all want to be a gangster? That’s part of the life, bitch!” the absurdly named Augustino Finn Adair wisely advises four punks who robbed him as he calmly guns them down.
Such a clear-eyed approach to the pitfalls of a life of crime could only be dispensed by that braggadocios behemoth, Steven Seagal, playing a crime lord who not only lectures his son (and complaining in a cringe-worthy moment that having a conversation with him was like talking to a “retarded child”) about treating everyone right, but also the corrupt cop who is trying to avenge the death of his own son, Chance, at the hands of Seagal’s son, Desmond. Continue reading “Beyond the Law (2019)”