General Commander (2019)

CIA dirtbag Hayes gets that middle of the night phone call the rest of us can only dream about. On the other end is a perturbed Steven Seagal. Steve has just gotten done murdering a dude in a parking garage that Hayes sent to kill him.

“Hayes. Listen to me you motherfucker. I know all your fucking immoral dirty rotten criminal shit and I don’t care. I got my own fish to fry.” And that’s just the opening pleasantries! By the time Steve is finished he has advised Hayes that if he keeps messing with Steve that not only will Steve kill him, but also his mother and dog! Damn Hayes, you never interrupt one of Steve’s fish fries! Dummy! Continue reading “General Commander (2019)”

Incoming (2018)

In space, no one can hear you drop the soap in the prison shower! Incoming, a Serbia-lensed (and most obviously, Serbia-budgeted) film features a concept so stunningly stupid, you’re amazed it took all the way until 2018 for a bottom-feeding action movie to come up with it!

You know how we got all these terrorists running around these days? And how we need information from the ones we capture about their future plans and organizational structure? But since they’re hard core fanatics, they usually aren’t willing to provide any useful intel even when we offer sweet deals such as reducing their sentence from 114 life sentences to 99 life sentences?

We also can’t go all Jack Bauer on them because everyone with a conscience starts screaming about the Geneva Convention! Heck, it’s gotten so bad on the terror fighting front that people even complain when we call torture “enhanced interrogation” instead! Damn, when did everyone get so sensitive? Continue reading “Incoming (2018)”

Attrition (2018)

As the latest quarterly under-the-radar action movie release from Steven Seagal unfolded in comfortably familiar fashion with Steve leading a team of mercs on a mission to take down a human trafficking ring resulting in lots of scum getting shot, Seagal using his special ops hand signals that really just signal how awesome he is and of course failing in their mission to rescue a woman being held prisoner, I watched with bemused anticipation.

With Seagal’s over-the-top narration about how horrible war is and him retreating to a cave to grow a long beard and praying to a statue of Buddha in an effort to find peace with the terrible things he’s done, I knew we were in for an elite edition of Steven Seagal Self-Indulgent Theater. Continue reading “Attrition (2018)”

China Salesman (2017)

For one brief glorious moment, China Salesman threatened to live up to its high concept hype, a carnival freakshow of absurd action featuring the dream team up of 1988, Mike Tyson and Steven Seagal, that only international film companies would be goofy enough to finance.

Tyson, playing Kabbah, a native of an unnamed African country who dreams of getting his tribal homeland back for his people is in a bar run by Lauder (Seagal), a shady former merc/special ops guy (of course). Kabbah refuses to drink alcohol so naturally Lauder has him served with a glass of piss instead.

A bar fight between the two ensues drenched in sweat (I think Seagal was drenched just from having to stand up) and lots of stylized slow motion that probably was meant to compensate for the limitations weighing 300 pounds necessarily places on Seagal. The sequence ends in pitch perfect fashion when a victorious Tyson snarls to a knocked out Seagal, “motherfucker, you drink piss!” Continue reading “China Salesman (2017)”

The Operative (2000)

The least convincing aspect of The Operative isn’t Brain “The Boz” Bosworth’s portrayal of a Texas cowboy billionaire (Grady) who works for the CIA. It also isn’t the Boz’s portrayal of a former CIA agent (Alec) who resembles the Texas cowboy billionaire so much, he’s forced by a former KGB agent to assume his identity for an art heist scheme. It isn’t even Vancouver straining to play Boston for no real reason (except for some Red Sox references whenever the Boz and the Russian were taking turns beating each other with baseball bats). Continue reading “The Operative (2000)”

Phase IV (2002)

Phase IV pretty much lives down to your expectations of a Canadian-lensed yarn starring Dean Cain (Final Encounter) and Brian “The Boz” Bosworth (Mach 2, the Oklahoma Sooners) about an evil pharmaceutical company trying to cover up that they went and accidentally cured the HIV virus! It’s a film that at least tries hard to be action-packed with frequent car chases, explosions and Dean Cain getting hit in his bad knee over and over. But it is also a film that is effortlessly stupid in its execution of all this. Continue reading “Phase IV (2002)”

Flight of Fury (2007)

To paraphrase Blade Runner‘s Roy Batty, I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe – a generic Michael Dudikoff movie remade as an even more generic Steven Seagal movie. Unlike Roy Batty though, my replicant ass didn’t drop dead all dramatically in the pouring rain after realizing this. And as a continuously relapsing Seagaloholic, my thankfulness for that hit Mach 5 as I watched Steve show the Dude how it is freaking done! Continue reading “Flight of Fury (2007)”