Bride of Scarecrow (2019)

You are cordially invited to the wedding a century in the making! It’s one the guests are positively dying to get into! And the reception after the ceremony? It’s literally on fire! But what about the bride’s boyfriend? You know, the guy that isn’t the murderous scarecrow that she’s marrying! Well, he’s been tied up and will be quasi-officiating it despite being unconscious!

And while the nuptials are taking place in the barn the scarecrow has been killing people in, he’s enough of a traditionalist that he makes sure to fulfill the “something borrowed” aspect of things by stealing the boyfriend’s ring to give to his sobbing, I mean blushing, bride! Continue reading “Bride of Scarecrow (2019)”

Curse of the Scarecrow (2018)

You know you’re for a certain amount of cinema drudgery when the film is one of those low budget, no imagination affairs shot almost entirely on someone’s farm. Boasting a cast of about four or five people (one of which is the director who is equally inept in front of the camera as she is behind it) who can’t even stand around convincingly explaining the same things to each other repeatedly, Curse of the Scarecrow unfortunately delivers the tediously bad film its setup promised for most of the 85 minutes you’ll spend squirming with disinterest. Until the heroine decides to impersonate a scarecrow that is. Continue reading “Curse of the Scarecrow (2018)”

The Haunted Pumpkin of Sleepy Hollow (2003)

Much like the Headless Horsemen who headlines Washington Irving’s The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, the venerable 19th Century classic of American literature is once again resurrected for a terrifyingly tepid and kid-friendly version that nevertheless manages to elicits some genuine scares. Chief among these nightmarish moments is the theme song “Sleepy Hollow” which plays during a montage of kids getting a haunted house ready. Its blatant attempt to channel Green Day is quite chilling. Continue reading “The Haunted Pumpkin of Sleepy Hollow (2003)”

Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)

On a very special episode of Scarecrow Gone Wild our straw-filled serial killer teaches us about the pressing social issues of diabetes, college hazing and most importantly of all, the danger of letting MMA star turned professional wrestler Ken Shamrock anywhere near a movie set!

Watching Shamrock parlay the stilted interview skills he had on the mic in wrestling into even more stilted acting really makes you want to sit your kids down for some straight talk about the importance of not only acting lessons, but not trying things you have absolutely no aptitude for.

Continue reading “Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)”

Scarecrow Slayer (2003)

Overcoming a positively putrid origin story in the rudimentary, frequently bordering on amateurish Scarecrow, our burlap and straw anti-hero roars back with a vengeance in his second outing solidifying himself as the premiere low budget somersault-loving farm monster. He’s so good at what he does, he manages to get one person killed, one person run over and yet another in the ICU – all before he even gets reanimated! Continue reading “Scarecrow Slayer (2003)”

Scarecrow (2002)

Lester Dwervick has everything in life a depressed, dimwitted loser could ever hope for. At school, almost everyone picks on him and despises him. Called names and tripped in the cafeteria, he doesn’t even get any relief when he’s in class because the teacher is ragging on him for having a promiscuous mother and living in a trailer. Then, when he approaches her outside of class to apologize for not paying attention, she insults him.

Home life isn’t much better as his mother is a drunken slut who brings different guys home all the time. Even when he’s at work, he is the butt of jokes. Continue reading “Scarecrow (2002)”

General Commander (2019)

CIA dirtbag Hayes gets that middle of the night phone call the rest of us can only dream about. On the other end is a perturbed Steven Seagal. Steve has just gotten done murdering a dude in a parking garage that Hayes sent to kill him.

“Hayes. Listen to me you motherfucker. I know all your fucking immoral dirty rotten criminal shit and I don’t care. I got my own fish to fry.” And that’s just the opening pleasantries! By the time Steve is finished he has advised Hayes that if he keeps messing with Steve that not only will Steve kill him, but also his mother and dog! Damn Hayes, you never interrupt one of Steve’s fish fries! Dummy! Continue reading “General Commander (2019)”