Category: Berenstain Bears

The Berenstain Bears’ Christmas Tree (1979)

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An annoying combination of anti-father propaganda and commercial for professional Christmas tree salesmen, The Berenstain Bears Christmas Tree somehow conflates wanting to have a bad ass Christmas tree with not knowing what is really important about the holiday.

Everyone knows they’re supposed to pay lip service to the idea that the whole point of the season is about giving, but how you can be credible handing out goodies to ungrateful family members if you’re having to do it underneath some stunted and deformed fir that looked looked like it did a tour in Nam and got hit with some experimental defoliant? Continue reading “The Berenstain Bears’ Christmas Tree (1979)” →

The Berenstain Bears’ Easter Surprise (1981)

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Leave it to the Berenstain Bears to take a grizzly-sized dump all over our most holy of holidays. It isn’t bad enough that they make only the vaguest, most passing of references to the religious aspect of Easter, mentioning something about spring being a time for miracles, but then they have to slander the Easter Bunny, turning him into a disgruntled boss, ranting about all the benefits his employees want! And what kid doesn’t want to watch a holiday special with a constipated-looking rabbit singing “Who Cares About Easter”? Continue reading “The Berenstain Bears’ Easter Surprise (1981)” →

The Berenstain Bears’ Comic Valentine (1982)

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Bear Country Cousins versus the Beartown Bullies for all the marbles! Hot shot local talent and slap shot sexpot Brother Bear leads his team against the heavily favored big city goons (they all have a missing front tooth so they must be goons, right?) anchored by the hulking boogeyman of a goalie whose surely hideous visage is hidden beneath a fearsome hockey mask! The stage is set for a polar vortex Valentine’s Day Massacre! Continue reading “The Berenstain Bears’ Comic Valentine (1982)” →

The Berenstain Bears Meet Bigpaw (1980)

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A refreshingly nasty take on Thanksgiving from an unlikely source. The Berenstain Bears, best known for the sensible and long suffering Mama Bear who is saddled with a clumsy and clueless Papa Bear and a pair of cubs who don’t have any personality beyond their clothing, the books frequently beat the reader over the head with some lesson about positive values like honesty, manners and eating healthy. This time it’s the importance of being thankful and sharing your bounty, but with a bit of a twist. Like some lame horror movie attempting to cash in on a holiday, there’s a monster coming to destroy all of Bear Country this Thanksgiving to fulfill a prophecy! Continue reading “The Berenstain Bears Meet Bigpaw (1980)” →