Hands of Steel (1986)

A cyborg is programmed to kill the one man who can save all of humanity from total ecological collapse! But while they may have replaced his wimpy meat hands with awesome metal hands (that look exactly like wimpy meat hands), they forgot to replace the one thing that matters most to a man! No, not his dingus! You’d have to ask his girlfriend Linda about that, you perv!

He still has his heart! And that is how he explains why when he delivered his patented death punch to the blind Al Gore-esque eco messiah, he eased up just a bit so that the ruptured spleen the poor bastard suffered didn’t immediately kill him! Uh thanks for having such a big heart, I guess. Continue reading “Hands of Steel (1986)”

Soldier of Fortune (1990)

soldier-of-fortune-vhs-coverWar Bus Commando is obviously the most famous Johnny Hondo adventure, mainly because it features Johnny Hondo. Soldier Of Fortune is the less famous Johnny Hondo entry in the series though it contains many of the same elements we loved from War Bus Commando: rocky Balkan locations substituting for Afghanistan, stuff blowing up, a funny-looking star, and evil Russians. Unfortunately, it seems destined to never receive the recognition as a great Johnny Hondo movie just because it features a guy named Vincent Miles instead of Johnny Hondo! Continue reading “Soldier of Fortune (1990)”

The Opponent (1988)

In life nothing is more pure than the sweet science of effortlessly bad Italian filmmaking! Relentlessly pummeling the viewer with its English-as-a-third-or-fourth-language level dialogue, jabbing with its cast of faded legends, has beens, bimbos, and talentless dudes vaguely recognized from other horrid Roman roundups before finally delivering the knockout blow with a deadly combination of awful songs, punch-drunk plot, and laughably over-the-top action, movies like The Opponent easily fill the undercard of your pointless life. Continue reading “The Opponent (1988)”

After the Condor (1990)

At the very bottom of the world the chase is on for the greatest treasure ever stolen by the governor of Peking, but whose location may only be known by his possibly gay chauffeur!

And when the Annie Oakley of Argentina is among those vying for the priceless booty still lost in the icy-depths of the glacier-filled lake, you better have your best zigging and zagging mojo working for you when you’re scrambling about on a nearby mountain!

But that isn’t anything compared to the zigging and zagging you’ve got to do in the bedroom since when you’re not in Buenos Aires poking the local real estate agent to get the goods on the old villa that might house clues to the treasure, you’re extending your landing gear into some hussy pilot so that you can use her plane to try and spot the treasure in the lake from the air! Continue reading “After the Condor (1990)”