Cyborg Cop II (1994)

Cyborg cop is back! Except that there aren’t any cops who are cyborgs in it! You do get a pack of evil cyborgs. You also get a cop. So maybe the filmmakers accidentally left a comma out of the movie’s title.

But who really cares if there aren’t any mechanical police stiffly delivering their lines or wearing a vacant expression throughout the film. That’s what star David Bradley is for! Besides who needs a bionic arm that turns into a Gatling gun when you’re wearing a freaking fanny pack! That thing could hold extra pomade, spare pair of oversized sunglasses, or even a dead partner’s souvenir lighter which can be dramatically pulled out during the climax to finish off the rabid robot! Continue reading “Cyborg Cop II (1994)”

Lower Level (1991)

You’re a successful architect babe, working in the skyscraper you’ve designed, but something is missing. No, I’m not talking about an emergency exit that could actually be used in an emergency, though that would have been nice considering the circumstances. What’s really missing is what is always missing with these supposedly empowered ladies – a prince charming to take her away from her ivory tower. And how do I know that? Because I’m some male chauvinist piggie? Nope, she tells us this in the voiceover at the beginning of the movie as she writes it in her diary! Continue reading “Lower Level (1991)”

Total Reality (1997)

Is it possible that a self-help book written by a guy who is such douche that he has to resort to stealing from his ex-wife’s IRA account could form the basis for an evil empire 200 years in the future?

And could this also  cause all life on Earth to be wiped out and start a civil war that would cost 30 billion lives? And then lead to a battle for the fate of the future that reaches all the way back to the long forgotten primitive past of 1998 Oregon?

And most incredible of all, involve the replacement American Ninja David Bradley shooting everything up and making paper roses? It is not only possible, but it is Total Reality! Continue reading “Total Reality (1997)”

White Cargo (1996)

Someone is killing the most beautiful fashion models and all the great dart champions in the city are the prime suspects! And only one super rich arrogant prick of a cop can bring down the whole opium operation that has nothing to do with it!

But it’s going to take the combined commando assault talents of Mrs. Gene Simmons, Shannon Tweed and former pro wrestler Tiny “Zeus” Lister to help scab American Ninja David Bradley bring things to an appropriately explosive climax!

A climax made possible because of David’s use of an advanced bit of mid-1990s tech called an online dictionary that allowed him to look up the definition of the word “nirvana” which provided a vital and utterly preposterous clue! Continue reading “White Cargo (1996)”

Cyborg Cop (1993)

Cyborg Cop PosterThis is a tale of two brothers. For them, it was the most action-packed of times, it was the most sweat-drenched of times.

One brother got himself doublecrossed on a mission in the Caribbean. Left for dead by the DEA after a mission goes horribly wrong, he falls into the hands of the local evil drug lord/cyborg developer and is fashioned into the most cybernetic cop of all time! Robocop? Whatever! That guy was all robo and stuff! Cyborg Cop is what the cool kids like to have their ass kicked by! Continue reading “Cyborg Cop (1993)”

Blood Warriors (1993)

Blood Warriors DVD CoverIt is a question all of us Blood Warriors ask ourselves – what makes a better fighter: having a haunted past or thirsting for vengeance?

Having a haunted past allows you to keep a healthy distance from the rest of humanity and thereby reduces your chances of having your precious lifeforce drained by horny broads lusting after your world-weary yet toned bod. A haunted guy also is able to endure pain easier because he knows he deserves it for letting whatever is haunting him to have happened in the first place. Continue reading “Blood Warriors (1993)”