Final Mission (1984)

Seargent Vince Deacon has been on a lot of missions, from the secret dirty little war he was fighting in Laos in 1972 to the war on the streets of a scuzzy early 1980s Los Angeles as the guy on the SWAT team voted “Most Likely to Have PTSD” to the home invasion he has to fight off when he’s just trying to get a little off duty booty from his wife!

All those are pretty awesome missions, no doubt about it. How can you possible top a mission where you fought your traitor buddy hand to hand while huts were exploding all around you? Or when you rode on top of a squad car, leaping off of it onto a fire escape and then blasted your way through some scumbag gang so awesomely that you were interviewed on the news about it? Or when you’re in the middle of giving your wife an orgasm and you have to pull out to snap the necks of a bunch of punks who are breaking into your house? Continue reading “Final Mission (1984)”

The Trident Force (1989)

Abu Hassad, a super-terrorist who does drugs and screws boys in between terror attacks, is positively wearing out the world on behalf of the Palestinian group he leads. When he’s not behind an attack on a British desert base in the Middle East, he’s involved with a suicide bomber in Malaysia or shooting up the Israeli ambassador and his wife and kids!

When the elite special forces of various countries aren’t enough to stop this madman, the only solution is…Trident Force. Which is a combination of soldiers from the elite special forces that couldn’t get the job done in the first place!

Continue reading “The Trident Force (1989)”

Tough Cops (1988)

Take one part Miami Vice (the part where the movie says it takes place in Miami and where the black guy wears terrible clothes), one part Dirty Harry (Rom Kristoff‘s Nick Carpenter doesn’t care how many times he gets chewed out by his superiors – he’s going to keep shooting bad guys!), a healthy dose of Rambo (right before throwing a knife in a guy’s back, Nam vet Nick mutters “first blood”), marinate it all in a cheap Filipino action movie and you have a tasty batch of Tough Cops! Continue reading “Tough Cops (1988)”

Blood Debts (1985)

It’s every avid picnicker’s worst nightmare! Just when you’re settling in for a little potato salad and grab ass in the woods, a bunch of hunters show up and start shooting you and gang raping your old lady! It’s almost as bad as ants!

But this isn’t just a picnic gone horribly wrong! This is the picnic from hell because as the girl escapes her attackers, she starts yelling for her daddy! The picnic must have almost been in her backyard because her daddy comes running out of his house just in time to see his daughter blasted to death! And then they shoot him in the head! The only way this picnic could get any worse if it started raining! Continue reading “Blood Debts (1985)”

Classified Operation (1982)

One man against a torch-weilding mob a hundred strong! Cornered at his Uncle Jose’s country house where he’s vacationing with his wife and child! And being threatened with being burned at the stake like he was just some common action hero witch!

How can even the Filipino army’s most awesome trick shooter defeat these vile villains? Luckily he doesn’t have to because they’re just the townspeople he pissed off during his one man war against the evil but apparently tolerable Commando Falcon who runs the small town of Santa Lucia! Continue reading “Classified Operation (1982)”

Rescue Team (1983)

Whenever it’s time to assemble yet another team to bring back more of our boys from Vietnam (watching these POW movies can leave one with the impression there are more Americans left in Vietnam than Vietnamese), special attention must be made to signing up the right combination of talents. For instance, you need an explosives or a demolitions expert, but you’re probably wasting a team slot if you take one of each since both are likely proficient at blowing up bamboo huts. (There’s nothing wrong with lots of exploding huts of course, but you don’t want it coming at the expense of guys having their throats slit by the knife expert.) Continue reading “Rescue Team (1983)”