If we’re being honest, isn’t the real climax of the Fred Olen Ray-produced Jack-O not when the careless Jack-O allows himself to get pushed from behind so that he gets impaled on a piece of wood, but when David Kelly knocks over a shelf full of paint in his garage thus causing the premature closure of his extreme Halloween haunt attraction, “The Haunted Garage”? After all, while Jack-O spent most of the film wandering around Oakmoor in circles killing people here and there for no real reason, David spent the whole movie gearing up for his spooky showcase. He was even using it as a fundraiser for the homeless! Continue reading “Jack-O (1995)”
Counter Measures is really the story of a man and his corkscrew. Michael Dudikoff (Black Horizon, Black Thunder) at first blush seems to be in your classic Die Hard on a submarine scenario, battling a bunch of terrorists, but then you realize it’s like Die Hard on sub with a corkscrew!
Besides the Dude, Corkscrew is the deadliest character on board the renegade Russian sub Odessa! It’s killing people, healing people and even opening booze bottles! Is there anything this little guy can’t do? Continue reading “Counter Measures (1998)”
When you think about, a sniper is a perfect job for Steven Seagal in a movie. He doesn’t seem to like roles that require much movement, yet expects to be able to shoot about forty nameless pukes in every movie. As a sniper, Steve not only doesn’t have to move a lot, but for much of the time he can even lean lazily against sandbags just waiting for the perfect shot! In the opening scenes of Sniper: Special Ops you almost wondered if his spotter was asking him “now?” repeatedly just to make sure the big lug hadn’t just gone and dozed off! Continue reading “Sniper: Special Ops (2016)”
While there may not actually be an Operation Cobra per se taking place in the film (possibly because the movie’s real title was Inferno), that doesn’t mean you aren’t getting your fair share of cloak and dagger scheming and double-crossing. Plus, Don “The Dragon” Wilson does shoot a cobra and another guy gets bit on his head, so it isn’t like those watching for the snake action got ripped off. Continue reading “Operation Cobra (1997)”
Again proving that college football stars are the closest things this planet has to superheroes, Brian “The Boz” Bosworth, former Oklahoma Sooner stud linebacker turned fourth-tier action star fights terrorists, flies a Concorde so expertly that he can avoid missiles launched by fighter pilots trying to shoot him down, and even manages to land the thing safely into a giant net! And he doesn’t even know how to freaking fly!
In fact, despite him being a captain in the Air Force, he was such a non-flying guy that his nickname was Washout! Good old Jack “Washout” Tyree! And he moans during one of his more convincing scenes that he always gets stuck with the shit jobs! Continue reading “Mach 2 (2001)”
A psychically super-powered Don “The Dragon” Wilson uses all his clairvoyant abilities to erase my whole memory of this movie!
Seriously, I would be watching this movie, mentally noting all the great things that were happening when all of a sudden, BAM! I couldn’t remember them anymore! It was almost as if the awesome things that must have occurred in The Capitol Conspiracy (also known as The Prophet) never happened at all! Continue reading “The Capitol Conspiracy (1999)”