Cold Harvest (1999)

In a world where a comet has struck the Earth, the sun has been blotted out plunging the survivors into perpetual darkness! And if that wasn’t bad enough, a plague has also wiped out most everyone plunging the survivors into a state of near-barbarism! And if even that wasn’t bad enough, this nightmare world of multiple apocalyptic disasters has suffered the most sphincter-puckering development of all: Gary Daniels as twins! Continue reading “Cold Harvest (1999)”

Fist of the North Star (1995)

North Star should never fight Southern Cross! It was a mantra repeated throughout this, the most PUBAR (pumped up beyond all recognition) of all post-apocalyptic Gary Daniels (Heatseeker, Pocket Ninjas) flicks.

Beyond the fact that I didn’t have the faintest idea what anyone was talking about though I guess it sort of made sense that a star shouldn’t fight an entire constellation, every time either Gary or his mentor, the surely embarrassed Malcolm McDowell, earnestly uttered this cryptic bit of philosophy, I became more and more convinced that if North Star ever did throw down with Southern Cross that it would be a punch-apocalyptic mess of kicks, grunts, and broken stuff! Continue reading “Fist of the North Star (1995)”

Submerged (2005)

Submerged DVD CoverThis movie started out with a bunch of people getting shot in the head. I was hooked immediately. Actually, I’m exaggerating just a bit. It was when I saw the front of the DVD that I was hooked: Steven Seagal with a gun! And a submarine! They know what us undiscriminating fans of senseless violence and bloated up action heroes crave!

Director Anthony Hickox (Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth and couple of Dolph Lundgren movies you’ve never heard of) pulls every editing trick he can to keep things moving at a frenetic pace in spite of his star’s stunning immobility.

Lots of quick cuts and jittery action punctuated every now and again by a little slow motion (aside from Seagal’s perpetual slow motion) all combine to give the viewer the sense of being thrust into the confusing underworld of double agents and shifting alliances. Or it may just give you a headache. Continue reading “Submerged (2005)”

Heatseeker (1995)

Do you know how I knew that Heatseeker was far-fetched science fiction? Gary Daniels got his ass kicked. Twice. The second time, he was literally destroyed despite having all the latest cybernetic implants that supposedly made him the perfect killing machine. In fact, the whole movie was built around the concept that the company that designed the implants and that Gary worked for was holding a tournament to showcase just what a perfect killing machine he was. And it turned out that he got beat worse after he gets the implants than he did in his first fight when he was still all human! Continue reading “Heatseeker (1995)”

No Tomorrow (1999)

Did it really take until 1999 to make a movie where a rapper hijacked a combination flamethrower/rocket launcher from low budget action icon Frank Zagarino? Did it really take cinema 100 years or so before it was mature enough to handle a film with Zags, Gary Busey, Jeff Fahey, Pam Grier, and prolific British kickstud Gary Daniels? Some of you are surely questioning the wisdom of letting Master P direct such a classic conflagration of paycheck hungry workhorses. I would question the wisdom of NOT letting him do it!

Other than ex-special forces guys who know some off-brand kung fu, who knows the most about wanton violence and reckless cussing? Rappers! Those guys are always shooting each other, burning their houses down, stealing each other’s bling, and calling each other out in song with such a proficiency in profanity that it would make a pissed off drill sergeant envious! And for a company as bottom-line conscious as PM Entertainment, rappers are awesome because they provide their own weapons and wardrobe! Continue reading “No Tomorrow (1999)”

Pocket Ninjas (1997)

Pocket Ninjas DVD CoverPocket Ninjas is so awful it doesn’t even cut it as a fifth choice for a movie about three young douchebag ninjas after you’ve somehow plowed through all four 3 Ninja films. Without actually subjecting yourself to its seventy or so minute running time, it’s difficult to communicate the depth of its sustained failure.

Several times while enduring another of its endless and pointless training montages, I tried to remember why I even bought it, let alone continued to watch it. Then Gary Daniels would appear for a few minutes the Pocket Ninjas’s sensei and I sadly recalled that I was trying to fill in a gap in my project of watching the entirety of Gary’s filmography. That this project wasn’t suspended following a viewing of his space turd Spoiler will not reflect positively on me if I ever undergo a court ordered psychological evaluation. Continue reading “Pocket Ninjas (1997)”

Delta Force One: The Lost Patrol (2000)

A tribute to all the soldiers who ever served in two made up Middle East countries in a fictional peace keeping force, Delta Force One: The Lost Patrol, a film larded up with a famous son, grandson, and a C-List kickboxing movie legend, is the sort of thought provoking work that will leave the viewer pondering such unanswerable questions as “which relative humiliated his more famous ancestor more: Mike Norris or Bentley Mitchum?”

The obvious answer of course is that being the grandson of screen legend Robert Mitchum, one’s presence in a movie with Gary Daniels couldn’t help be about a big as drop off in the cinematic gene pool as possible. Don’t get me wrong, I think Gary is our best laid back British-accented kickstud, but it isn’t exactly the same as working with Gregory Peck, is it? Continue reading “Delta Force One: The Lost Patrol (2000)”