So little transpired in The Stone Tape that it attempted to ratchet up the suspense by introducing a subplot about a guy trying to invent a really nifty washing machine! Continue reading “The Stone Tape (1972)”
It’s another Lara Wendel masterpiece! Mercilessly stinking up the joint in such bottom feeding Italian horror movies as Zombie 5: Killing Birds and The Red Monks, Lara now applies her special brand of standing around looking dumb and sounding even dumber (thanks to the obnoxiously dubbed voice with an accent as ugly as the wardrobe everyone subjects us to throughout), to this haunted house movie from noted Italian master Humphrey Humbert. Continue reading “Ghosthouse (1988)”
Child Of Glass, a forgettably innocuous TV movie about pre-teens and ghosts shown on The Wonderful World Of Disney TV program back in 1978, is fondly remembered by a number of adults who saw it as kids when it first aired as a spooky tale worthy of repeated viewings. Modern kids whose nostalgia-blinded parents force them to watch what amounts to a horror movie with training wheels will surely wonder what all the fuss is about.
But don’t judge your lame out-of-touch parents too harshly, modern kids! When Child of Glass aired, the only other TV options were The Hardy Boys Mysteries, which was basically the same program, but for teenagers and 60 Minutes which continues to air in zombie-like fashion to this very day! (In retrospect, Dan Rather investigating the “disco craze” is surely more frightening than anything Child of Glass can serve up.) Continue reading “Child of Glass (1978)”
Tom Stewart (inertly played by Richard Carlson of Creature From The Black Lagoon) tells his girlfriend Vi that he is breaking up with her and is instead going to marry his other sweetheart Meg, mainly because she’s prettier and her daddy is stinking rich. Vi pulls the old “well I guess I’ll just have to publish my little book I’ve been working on called Tom Stewart’s Love Letters to His Skanky Hooch Vi.” She also threatens Tom with giving the letters to her lawyer for a lawsuit. I guess if she’s alleging that he’s a stud jazz pianist, then he’s guilty as hell! Continue reading “Tormented (1960)”
If you’re tired of Italian movies about zombies, cannibals, ancient Greeks, and cross-dressing slashers, Dial: Help provides some welcome relief in that it strives to achieve something just a little different. Of course striving to achieve something isn’t exactly the same as actually achieving something since the little twist put on things here is that instead of a fashion model being harassed by a guy in a wimpy beard or demented family member, she is being stalked by her telephone!
Wait! Where are you going? Haven’t you ever had problems with your phone? Don’t you see how you could extrapolate the everyday reliance and natural fear of a telephone into a full blown Italian horror movie? Continue reading “Dial: Help (1988)”
If you’ve ever read the real estate section of your local paper, you’ve seen the ads: Great starter home! 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, attached garage, coven of zombie witches, excellent schools, $229,000. Built on the scene of a horrific witch burning centuries ago, this history-infused charmer has been retrofitted with central air and is wired for cable. Though thoroughly modern in its amenities, the gateway to hell located on the second floor still functions! Perfect for families with small children who are not too attached to old-world notions of souls!
It’s every family’s dream home to be sure, but it’s also the sort of home that’s a bit out of reach to most of us, whether it’s the high price tag, not enough bathrooms, or the fact that we’re sort of attached to our souls. Continue reading “Beyond Darkness (1990)”
Dr. Arrowsmith is one of those mad scientists who is always running off to some convention or other, leaving his sexy wife at home with the hunky handyman. I’m pretty sure his wife held out as long as possible before having an affair with this dude (just until after she heard the carriage take off, I’d wager), but a sexy gal has needs that a scientist obsessed with inventing a rejuvenation formula for his girlfriend is too busy to satiate!
Dr. Arrowsmith is halfway to the Mad Scientist Convention when he realizes that he left his paper, “On the Benefits of a Young Virgin’s Blood For Rejuvenating Beauty-Impaired Hags,” in his greenhouse. He gets an eyeful when he runs into his wife and the gardener and he can’t tell where she ends and he begins. Continue reading “Nightmare Castle (1965)”