The Prince of Terror (1988)

What does a family man do when he’s pushed to the limit by a pair of home invading lunatics? How far will he go to protect his wife and daughter? Will society turn a blind eye to the retribution he seeks after getting a prank phone call that makes fun of his last name? What sort of payback is justified when his toilet is clogged up with the script from his latest movie?

These are just some of the heavy-duty nut scratching philosophical questions horror director Lamberto Bava poses in this Italian TV movie about a horror director who is shooting what looks to be an Italian TV movie. But could questions so fundamental be possibly addressed in such a piece of entertainment so trashy that one actress starts talking about orgasms at the dinner table while a child is present? Continue reading “The Prince of Terror (1988)”

The Mummy Theme Park (2000)

When I first heard there was something called a Mummy Theme Park, I was like “where the hell do I sign up for a season pass?” I was imagining all the good times my family and I would be having on the Tutankhamen Twister, getting some mini golf in at the Sphinx Links, and enjoying a repast of Horus d’oeuvres while washing it down with some Scarab Beetlebeer. It was going to be like going to the Harry Potter theme park, but with bad ass mummies lurching here and there instead of snot-nosed British gits waving wands in your face.

But then the movie started and I felt like I was being put through the beginning stages of mummification. You know, the part where you get a rod shoved into your cranial cavity so the brain can be broken up and run out of your nose. It was like that. But worse. Continue reading “The Mummy Theme Park (2000)”

Satan’s Triangle (1975)

I’m not saying that you don’t pick up the priest found drifting by himself in the ocean, but when you do, you need to be smart about it. At a minimum, you probably shouldn’t keep fishing for that big marlin and the captain of the boat should be court-martialed or keelhauled or whatever it is they do to them when they are absurdly derelict in their seafaring duties.

You’d have to be suffering a bout of scurvy to think that letting a priest who looks like the crazed padre that killed himself and opened the gates of hell in City of the Living Dead taking the helm of you boat during a mysterious storm that has broken out while you are in the middle of the Devil’s Triangle is anything other than sheer lunacy! Continue reading “Satan’s Triangle (1975)”

Dark Harvest (1992)

You can’t really blame the group of hapless campers at the center of Dark Harvest, a borderline amateur production that relentlessly proves being stranded in the desert is as boring as you would imagine, for not really understanding the magnitude of the threat they are facing. If it was man-eating scorpions or giant ants or even mutants made radioactive by years of atomic testing, you could be irritated that they’re dilly dallying around arguing with each other since any one of those threats is so obvious, they’re probably mentioned in Fodor’s. Continue reading “Dark Harvest (1992)”

Scarecrow (2013)

Have you ever been forced to watch The Breakfast Club by one of your hipster friends, suffering through all the whining those self-absorbed brats engage in, while you friend acts like it’s some great revelation about how hard it high school is and thought  just how awesome it would be if all of them were viciously murdered by a giant tree?

I know! Who hasn’t wished for a scene where instead of Molly Ringwald arguing with Judd Nelson, both of their chests would be split wide open by really pointy limb? Or that Anthony Michael-Hall’s head would be crushed in a giant wooden claw hand? In short, Scarecrow, is the movie for folks whose favorite character in The Breakfast Club is Principal Vernon. Continue reading “Scarecrow (2013)”

The Hollow (2015)

When will these small towns learn? Sometimes the smart thing to do is to learn how to stop worrying and learn to love the gals practicing witchcraft. As soon as the first crop failure, baby born with fangs or town poopyhead is turned into a deformed goat, the reactionary elements in the town immediately want to hit Home Depot for some wooden stakes and lighter fluid!

But how many times do they go through with this only to have a curse laid down on them, their descendants and town? Every single time! And how many times after this happens to every single small-minded small town does the next one decide that maybe a town hall meeting on tolerance should be explored instead? Never! Continue reading “The Hollow (2015)”

Night of the Scarecrow (1995)

Who is the worst Goodman man in the small jerkwater town of Hanford they inhabit? Is it the mayor for not wanting a serious investigation into a murder because he doesn’t want to jeopardize the new mall coming to town? Nah, if you’re getting a food court with both a Great American Cookie Company and an Auntie Anne’s Pretzels, you don’t want some long drawn out “killer on the loose” drama delaying all that deliciousness! Continue reading “Night of the Scarecrow (1995)”