Monster Shark (1984)

It was touch and go for awhile, but in the end Monster Shark persevered and got the win. Oh, I don’t mean he beat his human assailants. He got his prehistoric ass torched by an army of flamethrowers because we decided blowing him up wasn’t good enough. I mean that Monster Shark got more kills than the humans did.

Shockingly for a movie about an evil rampaging sea monster, the humans were killing each other at the same clip as that crusty old barnacle of a hideous beast was. It wasn’t until the very end when he wracked up a bunch of cheap kills during the final showdown that he pulled out the win. Continue reading “Monster Shark (1984)”

Casablanca Express (1989)

Pop quiz hotshot. You have a runaway train pointed at your platoon. What do you do? What do you do? Turns out to be a real easy question to answer for a Johnny Yank who’s on the the other train with his platoon. You take your bazooka and blow the piss out of it and the dirty no-good Kraut driving it! Give my regards to Uncle Adolph, you jackbooted, bratwurst sucking, Aryan dog turd!

Truth be told though, in Casablanca Express, our guys really didn’t kick as much Axis tail as I would have liked, but that was because super duper British secret agent Alan Cooper was doing a lot of it. And really, if it isn’t red-blooded Americans shooting, stabbing, and cussing out Nazis, there’s no one I would rather see do it than a British guy played by Connery. Jason Connery. Continue reading “Casablanca Express (1989)”

Battle of the Commandos (1969)

Those of you who’ve seen Umberto Lenzi‘s World War II movie Bridge To Hell and lamented that it was obviously the work of a master who had long since past his time obviously have not seen his Battle Of The Commandos. If you had, you would have lamented that Umberto never had any prime to get past!

Made 17 years before his feeble 1986 attempt, Battle Of The Commandos makes only the slightest of efforts to go through the motions of the “misfits on a suicide mission” flick. For his part, Lenzi makes only the slightest of efforts not to make the viewer nauseous with his abusive use of the zoom lens and whiplash-inducing panning shots. Continue reading “Battle of the Commandos (1969)”

Terror Force Commando (1986)

Ripped from the headlines of 1985 which your local newspaper surely never covered! But that didn’t mean it never happened! Just that no one gave a crap about it! But if you weren’t so wrapped up watching The Goonies and rocking out to “Sussidio” then you might have realized that half a world away, events were transpiring that demanded the armed intervention of none other than Richard Harrison! Of course I’m talking about the Pope’s trip to Cameroon! Continue reading “Terror Force Commando (1986)”

The Glass Sphinx (1967)

While some may laugh at Karl Nichols, the old leathery Texas millionaire moonlighting as an amateur Egyptologist being used by the sexy showgirl Paulette (Anita Ekberg) as part of a scheme to screw him out of the titular gaudy treasure (seriously – the glass sphinx looks like something you’d pass up at a flea market if it was more than a fiver), if I was him, I wouldn’t even know you were laughing at me because I would be too busy having sex with a hot woman half my age! Continue reading “The Glass Sphinx (1967)”

Tarzak Against the Leopard Men (1964)

The title on screen was Tarzak Against the Leopards Men which understandably caused me some concern. I imagined I was going to be subjected to a poor Italian Tarzan rip-off where actors would try not to giggle whenever they were calling the main character Tarzak and talking about those pesky Leopards Men. Of course the biggest question was whether Tarzak would be sharing his treehouse with Janek and Cheetak. Continue reading “Tarzak Against the Leopard Men (1964)”

Zorro in the Court of Spain (1962)

When there’s no more ass to kick in Mexico, Zorro will go back to Spain and kick ass there! Or to Lusitania to be exact, where a Grand Duke has died, a Grand Duchess is under duress to abdicate in favor of her power mad brother-in-law and where the brother-in-law’s henchman has eyes for Zorro’s cousin/girlfriend Bianca. And you thought Lusitania was just some boat that got sunk, not Peyton Place! Continue reading “Zorro in the Court of Spain (1962)”