Avalanche (1978)

An avalanche of stock footage and primitive special effects conspire to bury poor bloated Rock Hudson’s career in this Roger Corman-produced late 70s entry in the disaster film canon. And while the avalanche sequence, regardless of how unconvincingly it was edited, at least provided the only moments of excitement, the film otherwise seemed intent on putting so little effort into even the expected tropes of the genre you barely were given a chance to laugh at the characters’ various crises! Continue reading “Avalanche (1978)”

Blackbelt (1992)

If you’ve ever wondered why all those Italian slasher movies feature models getting stalked instead of some other occupation, Blackbelt provides the answer. Don “The Dragon” Wilson‘s movie features a singer being stalked by a crazed fan. Since she is a singer there are scenes of her singing and filming a music video. Spoiler alert! Crazed fan’s total derangement is not caused by repeated exposure to singer belting out one of her rancid pop tunes! Continue reading “Blackbelt (1992)”

Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)

Perhaps on some level director Roger Corman knew that a movie starring giant crabs wasn’t really going to get audiences that fired up. Most people have never dealt with the animals except as a tasty treat and thus there is no deep seated fear of them like there is of the various insects, spiders and other icky things that became engorged during the 1950s heyday of these types of films.

In fact, when Mysterious Island featured a giant crab menacing people a few years later, the unfortunate creature ended up as an all you can eat castaways crab meat buffet! So it was probably not a bad idea that Corman tricked out his crab monsters with some additional super powers. Continue reading “Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)”

Battle Queen 2020 (2001)

The solitary thing that straight-to-video brainfreeze Battle Queen 2020 is able to accomplish in one of the longest 79 minutes you will ever spend is to communicate to the audience that the end of the world will be horrible beyond all imagining. So many post-apocalypse movies glamorize the destruction of civilization with spectacular effects, suspense, plot twists, characters you root for, and all manner of mutants, cannibals, bikers, and regular old monsters. Battle Queen 2020 opts for a much more horrifying combination of primitive special effects, softcore porn, and hardcore boredom. Continue reading “Battle Queen 2020 (2001)”

When the Bullet Hits the Bone (1996)

Paging Dr. Jeff Wincott! Paging Dr. Jeff Wincott! There’s an emergency room full of patients with gun shot wounds and overdoses! Diagnosis? Unchecked drug dealing in New York! Treatment? One personal war on drugs and call Dr. Jeff once you’ve taken his elderly parents prisoner and chopped off his daddy’s finger!

It’s clear from the way the patient, When the Bullet Hits the Bone, presents that things are pretty much terminal and all Dr. Jeff can do is try to make the audience comfortable while this sickly film thrashes, pukes, shits itself and just generally dies an excruciating death over the course of its eighty minute life. Continue reading “When the Bullet Hits the Bone (1996)”

Future Fear (1997)

Jeff Wincott sniffs rabbit turds in this movie. To make matters even worse, it’s the sort of movie where we aren’t sure whether the rabbit turds are even real!

The great rabbit turd conundrum is really the least obnoxiously obtuse thing about the whole affair though as the film barely takes time out from its strictly amateurishly disjointed presentation peppered with references to Alice in Wonderland, over the top moments like Wincott fighting his wife with a toilet plunger, Maria Ford scrunching her face into shrewish expressions while shrieking at Wincott, and the seemingly random insertion of scenes from an entirely different movie to ever get around to explaining just what in the hell was going on with the embryos Wincott was trying to save the world with while his wife (Ford) was trying to kill him and steal them for the evil general. Continue reading “Future Fear (1997)”

Black Thunder (1998)

Former piloting mentor turned traitorous bad guy Ratcher (Richard Norton) yells at Vince Connors (Michael Dudikoff) during their climatic dog fight “I’ll out fly you in a school bus!” provoking a chuckle at the thought of the Australian kickboxing movie icon flying around the sky in a big bright yellow bus doing loops and barrel rolls while the Dude looks on in stupefied disbelief.

None of that happened of course and the Dude ends up getting behind Ratcher and executing a move so that one of Ratcher’s own heat seeking missiles blows up him and his school bus fantasy, but it was surely the most memorable moment of a movie that was so generic, it was easily sort of remade as an equally generic Steven Seagal film, Flight of Fury. Continue reading “Black Thunder (1998)”