Interceptor Force 2 (2002)

Interceptor Force is back! And this time they’re actually called Interceptor Force! Well, most of the time, the mission is so apocalyptic the chief of Interceptor Force just calls it I-Force because there just isn’t time for those extra three syllables!

There’s also no time to inform the viewer much about what exactly I-Force is. It’s lucky then that the I-Force HQ (a room with people milling around PC workstations with cheesy shaped monitors) has a giant seal affixed to the wall that says “The Final Line of Defense.” That doesn’t really explain anything of course but it does confirm that any slogan on a seal really ought to be in Latin for maximum effect. Continue reading “Interceptor Force 2 (2002)”

Interceptor Force (1999)

Earth is under assault from an almost invincible alien presence! The United States government is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the world, by launching a nuclear strike against the aliens! Only one group of specially trained ass kickers can prevent this holocaust from happening! They are the Interceptor Force!

Unfortunately it turns out that Interceptor Force is made up of Olivier Gruner and a couple of other guys you don’t know! And they aren’t trained to battle outer space monsters, they’re just mercenaries! And they aren’t even called Interceptor Force! But then again, the alien invasion is actually taking place in Mexico, so the U.S. is really going to make the ultimate sacrifice on Mexico’s behalf when they nuke them! Hey, it wasn’t like we told the aliens to land in Mexico or anything! Continue reading “Interceptor Force (1999)”

SWAT: Warhead One (2004)

A team of elite Russian mercenaries against a Navy Seal squad led by Luc Remy! At stake is Warhead One, only the most freaking awesome weapon prototype ever conceived by the most cut rate CGI imaginable!

Deployed to the ship carrying Warhead One a few hours after getting the call (How long does it take these mercs to crate the thing up? I’m guessing multiple vodka breaks were involved.), Remy’s squad is immediately beset by some bad luck when one of their helicopters blows up and throws its rotor into their other helicopter, turning the freighter into a raging inferno! Continue reading “SWAT: Warhead One (2004)”

Power Elite (2002)

If the sort of movie where a guy goes from Blue Angels pilot to security guard to the only guy who can rescue the President and defuse a chemical weapon hidden in the tunnels underneath the Golden Gate Bridge sounds like the beyond absurd action fantasy you just can’t pass up, you should still pass up Power Elite. And pass it up before to paraphrase star Olivier Gruner‘s best (and one of the few intelligible) lines in the film, you get tied up to a tree and left for the real drag queens! Continue reading “Power Elite (2002)”

The White Pony (1999)

White Pony DVD CoverUnlike a lot of Olivier Gruner films, The White Pony concludes with a climatic dressage competition that sees an evil teenaged girl sabotaging her cousin’s riding equipment, abusing her own horse and whacking her cousin with a riding crop. And also unlike a lot Gruner’s films, he stands around the whole movie with his thumb up his ass while his daughter treats his niece like so many road apples. Okay, to be fair, he does snicker a bit when his niece falls off her horse and lands in a horse pie, but he doesn’t get any credit for that because any of us would have done the same. Continue reading “The White Pony (1999)”

Nemesis (1992)

Throughout our world’s future history, cyborgs have tried again and again to rise up against their fleshy masters and take control of our planet! They’ve repeatedly hatched all manner of schemes in an attempt to replace us for no real reason other than because they are pure mechanical evil!

Inevitably though, their plans always seem to break down into a mess of exposed wires, fluid, and ripped off arms. In fact, they never seem to take over much of anything except the market on leather pants and sunglasses. But now, Nemesis has arrived! Continue reading “Nemesis (1992)”

Automatic (1995)

It’s Terminator meets Die Hard meets Frankenstein meets an Olivier Gruner movie! And that means exactly two things: lots of scenes of guys crawling in air shafts, elevator shafts and sliding down trash chutes and that I’m turning on the closed captioning so that I have a fighting chance to understand just what in the hell Olivier is muttering about this time! Don’t worry though if you’re like most of Olivier’s fans and can’t read because Olivier does most of his muttering in this one with futuristic guns and futuristic android kung fu! Continue reading “Automatic (1995)”