Dark Harvest (1992)

You can’t really blame the group of hapless campers at the center of Dark Harvest, a borderline amateur production that relentlessly proves being stranded in the desert is as boring as you would imagine, for not really understanding the magnitude of the threat they are facing. If it was man-eating scorpions or giant ants or even mutants made radioactive by years of atomic testing, you could be irritated that they’re dilly dallying around arguing with each other since any one of those threats is so obvious, they’re probably mentioned in Fodor’s. Continue reading “Dark Harvest (1992)”

Scarecrow (2013)

Have you ever been forced to watch The Breakfast Club by one of your hipster friends, suffering through all the whining those self-absorbed brats engage in, while you friend acts like it’s some great revelation about how hard it high school is and thought  just how awesome it would be if all of them were viciously murdered by a giant tree?

I know! Who hasn’t wished for a scene where instead of Molly Ringwald arguing with Judd Nelson, both of their chests would be split wide open by really pointy limb? Or that Anthony Michael-Hall’s head would be crushed in a giant wooden claw hand? In short, Scarecrow, is the movie for folks whose favorite character in The Breakfast Club is Principal Vernon. Continue reading “Scarecrow (2013)”

Night of the Scarecrow (1995)

Who is the worst Goodman man in the small jerkwater town of Hanford they inhabit? Is it the mayor for not wanting a serious investigation into a murder because he doesn’t want to jeopardize the new mall coming to town? Nah, if you’re getting a food court with both a Great American Cookie Company and an Auntie Anne’s Pretzels, you don’t want some long drawn out “killer on the loose” drama delaying all that deliciousness! Continue reading “Night of the Scarecrow (1995)”

Psycho Scarecrow (1996)

It’s true that after Floyd is inadvertently killed by one of his friends that he somehow returns dressed as a scarecrow and murders the lot of them with an axe, but it seems a bit harsh to label him as a “psycho” for doing what vengeance-seeking scarecrows have done in any number of other films.

Does anyone really think that he’s any more or less crazy than the resurrected preacher trying to mate with Jaimie Alexander in Hallowed Ground? Or the kid who murders Ken Shamrock after somehow being possessed by the spirit of a scarecrow he himself had earlier possessed in Scarecrow Gone Wild? When stacked up against those farm freak shows, a few axe murders seem relatively prosaic! Continue reading “Psycho Scarecrow (1996)”

Hallowed Ground (2007)

At first blush, following a prophecy seems like a pretty easy gig. The religious leader of your choice announces what’s going to happen and what you have to do to ensure it happens. Sure, it usually always ends up with you trying to score sexy virgins for your leader, bringing about the rapture by getting into a standoff with some obscure government agency or drinking weird tasting punch, but at least it’s all relatively straight forward.

In the small town of Hope though, the prophecy involves a preacher dead for 100 years coming back as a scarecrow and then being reborn in human form by forcing an outsider to have his not-so-immaculately conceived self somehow. It’s enough to give even the most brainwashed cult member pause. Continue reading “Hallowed Ground (2007)”

Bride of Scarecrow (2019)

You are cordially invited to the wedding a century in the making! It’s one the guests are positively dying to get into! And the reception after the ceremony? It’s literally on fire! But what about the bride’s boyfriend? You know, the guy that isn’t the murderous scarecrow that she’s marrying! Well, he’s been tied up and will be quasi-officiating it despite being unconscious!

And while the nuptials are taking place in the barn the scarecrow has been killing people in, he’s enough of a traditionalist that he makes sure to fulfill the “something borrowed” aspect of things by stealing the boyfriend’s ring to give to his sobbing, I mean blushing, bride! Continue reading “Bride of Scarecrow (2019)”

Curse of the Scarecrow (2018)

You know you’re for a certain amount of cinema drudgery when the film is one of those low budget, no imagination affairs shot almost entirely on someone’s farm. Boasting a cast of about four or five people (one of which is the director who is equally inept in front of the camera as she is behind it) who can’t even stand around convincingly explaining the same things to each other repeatedly, Curse of the Scarecrow unfortunately delivers the tediously bad film its setup promised for most of the 85 minutes you’ll spend squirming with disinterest. Until the heroine decides to impersonate a scarecrow that is. Continue reading “Curse of the Scarecrow (2018)”