China Salesman (2017)

For one brief glorious moment, China Salesman threatened to live up to its high concept hype, a carnival freakshow of absurd action featuring the dream team up of 1988, Mike Tyson and Steven Seagal, that only international film companies would be goofy enough to finance.

Tyson, playing Kabbah, a native of an unnamed African country who dreams of getting his tribal homeland back for his people is in a bar run by Lauder (Seagal), a shady former merc/special ops guy (of course). Kabbah refuses to drink alcohol so naturally Lauder has him served with a glass of piss instead.

A bar fight between the two ensues drenched in sweat (I think Seagal was drenched just from having to stand up) and lots of stylized slow motion that probably was meant to compensate for the limitations weighing 300 pounds necessarily places on Seagal. The sequence ends in pitch perfect fashion when a victorious Tyson snarls to a knocked out Seagal, “motherfucker, you drink piss!” Continue reading “China Salesman (2017)”

Flight of Fury (2007)

To paraphrase Blade Runner‘s Roy Batty, I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe – a generic Michael Dudikoff movie remade as an even more generic Steven Seagal movie. Unlike Roy Batty though, my replicant ass didn’t drop dead all dramatically in the pouring rain after realizing this. And as a continuously relapsing Seagaloholic, my thankfulness for that hit Mach 5 as I watched Steve show the Dude how it is freaking done! Continue reading “Flight of Fury (2007)”

Born to Raise Hell (2010)

“Evil exists in every man. While some wrestle to contain it, I find it easier to embrace it.” When Steven Seagal unleashes this mumbled voice over at the very beginning of Born to Raise Hell, you would be right to question whether the Man in 4XL Black is deadlier with his guns, fists, or the bizarre dialogue (which is at once amusing and absurd) that he is prone to spew unintelligibly throughout films that usually find him in some crud hole whose only cinematic advantage is the readily available tax breaks and/or cheap foreign crews. Continue reading “Born to Raise Hell (2010)”

The Foreigner (2003)

Steven Seagal is one the great treasures of the cinema because no matter how terrible, low rent, dull and inept one of his films may be, he can be counted on to be completely nonplussed by it and to deliver at least a few classic moments you’ll never see anywhere else.

For instance, in The Foreigner, a muddled nonthriller as dreary as all the perpetually overcast Polish locations featured in the film, Steve somehow blows up a train station while pretending to take a whiz at a urinal while the bad guy is just standing around gawking. Damn Bad Guy, just be glad Big Steve didn’t have to go number two! Continue reading “The Foreigner (2003)”

Belly of the Beast (2003)

How did I know that Steven Seagal‘s Jake Hopper is the most coolly professional of all ex-CIA kick fu bad asses infesting Thailand? Was it because when he was informed that his daughter was kidnapped that his trademark catatonic squint never even wavered or threatened to slip into an indifferent squint? Was it because when his old friend betrayed him and was about kill him, Seagal’s response was “you’re just a trailer park bitch.”

Or maybe it was that when he was arrested after killing half of Thailand at a shoot out in a train yard, he resisted arrest by beating up the entire police station. But it also certainly could have been when he killed his old buddy after debating whether to kill him with his partner and Seagal practically yawned saying “he sealed his own fate” and then used every ounce of energy in his mountainous torso to almost shrug. Continue reading “Belly of the Beast (2003)”

Kill Switch (2008)

Are you tired of gearing up for your bi-monthly dose of Steven Seagal straight-to-video action movie mayhem only to find it an ugly, muddled mess about Steve being an ex-CIA agent who is forced to wreck a foreign country (which one depends on what country is offering tax incentives to shoot the film there) while dispatching various thugs, arms dealers, drug pushers, and rogue military elements as quickly as possible? With all the rapid fire headshots, neck snappings and stabbings, it’s like Steve is being forced by the ACLU or the Humane Society to put these guys out of their misery with a minimum of deadly force. It’s something akin to hiring Vincent Van Gogh to paint your house beige. Continue reading “Kill Switch (2008)”