Zorro in the Court of Spain (1962)

When there’s no more ass to kick in Mexico, Zorro will go back to Spain and kick ass there! Or to Lusitania to be exact, where a Grand Duke has died, a Grand Duchess is under duress to abdicate in favor of her power mad brother-in-law and where the brother-in-law’s henchman has eyes for Zorro’s cousin/girlfriend Bianca. And you thought Lusitania was just some boat that got sunk, not Peyton Place! Continue reading “Zorro in the Court of Spain (1962)”

Pirate of the Half Moon (1958)

Finally, an Italian swashbuckler that documents the financial hardship endured by lesser nobility in medieval Europe while still delivering to the masses the all-male fetish fights that we secretly watch these movies for.

And if things are generally too talky for most of the film, at least it’s a lot of humorous whiny talk from the stingy Baron about how he can’t really afford to host the duchess or provide enough gun powder to ward off the pirates. You also really don’t mind all that talking whenever our hero Nadir (worst name ever for a hero!) is rocking a costume that looks like his pirate ship docked at the Baron’s castle on the way to a drag queen ball. Continue reading “Pirate of the Half Moon (1958)”

The Mystery of Thug Island (1964)

No one dares go to Snakes Island! No one that is but an evil Kali-worshipping Thuggee cult. And the British military guy who is seeking vengeance for the kidnapping of his daughter. And the squadron of soldiers and artillery pieces he brings with him. And also the band of snake hunters looking for easy pickings. But other than those hundred or so guys, absolutely no one dares to go to Snakes Island! Continue reading “The Mystery of Thug Island (1964)”

The Corsican Brothers (1941)

If you have any education at all, you know that this movie is based on a novel about twins written back in 1845 by Alexandre Dumas. Since this is one of those hundred-plus year old books and is French, it is a classic. This means that you were assigned to read the thing in school, but didn’t, content to rely on the smart kid with atrocious breath to fill you in on the details. Continue reading “The Corsican Brothers (1941)”

The Master of Ballantrae (1953)

Did you know that Errol Flynn had a seedier, puffier, older brother also named Errol? Me neither, but he tried to follow in his more glamorous and roguish brother’s footsteps by starring in a movie about Scottish dudes getting worn out by the British Empire and turning tail and becoming pirates in beautiful Tortuga Bay. Oh wait – that was Errol Flynn in this movie! Continue reading “The Master of Ballantrae (1953)”

Zorikan the Barbarian (1964)

ZorikanPosterThough Zorikan sounds like some sort of rodenticide, he’s actually the best thing in an otherwise dreary heap of curdled Italian cheese.

Veteran sword and sandal pro Don Vadis (Spartacus and the Ten Gladiators, The Seven Magnificent Gladiators) scowls, sneers, chortles and tortures his way through a story involving a stolen religious relic which unwisely focuses on people walking, riding horses, sitting in tents, and talking about either stealing or recovering said relic. All that being said, Zorikan did have a really nice tent. Very spacious, well decorated and equipped with a bed. He may have been a low down heathen Saracen, but when he went invading, dude did it in style! Continue reading “Zorikan the Barbarian (1964)”

The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men (1952)

Story of Robin Hood PosterThis particular version of the Robin Hood story is a rather lacking one. I’m not one to go around blaming one particular person when it involves such a collaborative craft as filmmaking, but it’s clear that this is all star Richard Todd’s fault. Todd’s problem as Robin Hood is mainly that he doesn’t look or act like a convincing rogue, but like a guy playing dress up in the school play. Continue reading “The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men (1952)”