On those crybaby lists of occupations that supposedly are the most stressful, there is one significant omission that makes you question whether the pilots, reporters and taxi cab drivers just happen to have great PR working on the authors of these click bait articles. I can’t think of any other reason to be explain the absence of one of the least appreciated, most dangerous avocations to ever strap on a pointy hat and mount a broom – witches! Continue reading “Witches in Stitches (1997)”
Unlike what a lot of lazy film snobs like to say, Blue Tornado is not some Top Gun meets Close Encounters of the Third Kind movie. It’s much more nuanced than that. It’s actually Top Gun‘s music, fetishistic shots of jet planes and pilots with awesome call signs plus an alien abduction tacked on at the end. It even actually surpasses Top Gun since while Maverick just let Goose die, Firebird hiked up a mountain and rescued Thunder from the clutches of a bunch of alien strobe lights. Kick the tires and the light the fires on that, Mav! Continue reading “Blue Tornado (1991)”
I only ask for three things in my post-apcolypse movies about cyborgs. One is that the cyborg should be almost invincible. It’s important because over the course of 90 or so minutes, our heroes must be able to constantly battle and inflict all sorts of escalating damage on the machine.
The movie isn’t exactly going to be to a post-apocalyptic orgy of exciting violence if the cyborg craps out when some guy cuts off its hand or pulls its eye out. We can’t be standing around at the repair shop while our cyborg is up on blocks getting a new transmission put in when we could be out getting harassed by cannibalistic mutants, can we? Continue reading “American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)”
It’s another Italian stock footage apocalypse! Culled from the most routine of public domain clips of black and white mushroom clouds, model cities getting blown away, and most inexplicably of all, erupting volcanoes and bright red lava flows, the beginning of The Final Executioner not only marks the end of the world as we know it, but also the most professional part of the film, too!
Thank god! Just bring on the narrator for 20 seconds of exposition explaining the crazy illogical world that rose from the ashes so that we can get on with watching the stud decked out in black leather and white scarf bad assing around the wasteland just like was promised on the poster! Continue reading “The Final Executioner (1984)”
There was a moment in the last third of Ravagers where it threatened to become interesting. Richard Harris (Strike Commando 2) had survived the post-apocalyptic wasteland and made his way to a ship where there was plenty of food, electricity, and even clean clothes. Given a tour by the always welcome presence of football/film legend Woody Strode (Spartacus, The Final Executioner), Harris is let in on the dirty little secret of the boat.
Is this the fabled New Genesis that everyone is searching for? Have people finally started having children again? Or is it something darker? Maybe they’ve got a little Soylent Green situation going on. Or everything is being powered by the blood of mutants. Heck, maybe the apocalypse never even happened at all and everything been’s leading to some awesome twist ending! Except that Ernest Borgnine was second billed in the credits and we haven’t seen him yet Continue reading “Ravagers (1979)”
An elite fighting force charged with blowing up a dam that is surely a suicide mission! Twenty men against an army in hostile territory with no one to depend on except each other! And one of them has a million dollar price on his head! But money means nothing when it’s your brother in arms, right? Damn right! Except when it’s a million dollars! What are you, freaking stupid?
Is Daniel Corbin going crazy? A few days into his honeymoon, he reports his wife missing, but when she reappears accompanied by the friendly neighborhood priest, he claims he’s never met her before in his life!
But why does she know everything about him? And why does no one else remember the person who he thought was really his wife? And is he really seeing that head shrinker back in Detroit because of how crazy he is? And isn’t the real proof of his insanity that he continues to insist that the person husky-voiced Elizabeth Ashley is playing is not his wife even after seeing her in a succession of clingy, low cut nightgowns? I mean, unless his original wife was Farrah Fawcett, this has to be a total upgrade! Continue reading “One of My Wives Is Missing (1976)”