Author: monsterhunter

Peyton Place (1957)

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PeytonPlacePoster2Peyton Place is a laughably silly soaper that dates rather badly with its meager attempts to be risqué by frequently referencing how everyone in town constantly thinks about sex.

For instance, Lana Turner (Cass Timberlane, By Love Possessed) is a pent up cauldron of middle aged lust who just can’t admit that the progressively wimpy new high school principal is all that she needs to unleash her long repressed inner-hellcat. Her lover has been dead for something like sixteen years and she now believes (as she so eloquently put it during a shouting match with Principal Rossi in her kitchen) that men are all about pawing women and only want one thing. She also proclaims that men are “dirty” which is probably true since I thought that scene was pretty freaking hot! Continue reading “Peyton Place (1957)” →

Endless Descent (1990)

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Jack Scalia (Dark Breed, The Silencers) co-stars with his gigantic hair as the bad ass submarine designer who dives down a billion miles into the ocean to blast some respect into mutant sea monsters that have gone and wrecked his sub! And don’t lie to me and say you didn’t just rip a fricking hole in the crotch of your wet suit when you read that! Incredibly, like some sort of unbelievable deep sea anomaly that can only exist because of the extreme conditions down there, Endless Descent goes out and just blows away the lofty expectations you have for a film featuring Scalia vs. mutants! Continue reading “Endless Descent (1990)” →

Von Ryan’s Express (1965)

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Von Ryan's Express PosterI’ll give it to this movie – it was full of surprises that even a seasoned veteran of these “action packed POW escape” films couldn’t have planned for. The movie springs its biggest one on us right at the beginning. We’re in Italy and an American bomber crashes. I wasn’t surprised that the downed pilot was Frank Sinatra what with him being the star and all. What I was surprised about was how old he was. Once I got a gander at his craggy features I began to realize why it took so long to win World War II – all the soldiers went to bed after having dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon! Continue reading “Von Ryan’s Express (1965)” →

Mercenary for Justice (2006)

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I get the sense that Steven Seagal and director Don E. FauntLeRoy wound up 2005’s Today You Die, looked at what an awesome opera of action violence they wreaked and Don said to Steve, “if that’s what we could do when you’re just an armored car driver, what would happen if you were the most decorated veteran of the first Gulf War?” And Steve responded with, “and I was the leader of an elite team of mercenaries?” Don says, “that just might be one of our best projects of 2006!” Steve is nodding his chins and Don seals the deal with “have you ever been to Cape Town, South Africa, Steve?” Continue reading “Mercenary for Justice (2006)” →

Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay (1991)

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I suppose you could make a worse zombie movie than Living Dead in Tokyo Bay. If you tried. Really, really hard. And had a whole lot of luck, too. Of course, a zero budget zombie movie from the director of ultra Japanese trash movies Guts Of A Beauty, Guts Of A Virgin, and Rusted Body: Guts Of A Virgin 3 and starring the guy who wrote the novel that the zero budget Japanese zombie movie Stacy was based upon means we’re talking “winning the lottery three times in a month” luck. Continue reading “Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay (1991)” →

Black Dawn (2005)

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Jonathan Cold is back! Presumed dead after his last deadly mission, Cold proves that when you’re the best in the business, and your business is doing dirty deeds for the Company, staying dead is sometimes even harder than saving the world!

I must confess that when I heard Cold was back in the game, two thoughts raced through my mind. The first one was that I couldn’t wait to see Cold use his unique talents to bust open whatever international terrorist scheme some third world dirtbag was attempting to unleash. The second thought I had was, “who the hell is Jonathan Cold?” Continue reading “Black Dawn (2005)” →

Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973)

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If this movie stayed on task and was solely about the wondrous odyssey of a giant sheep and his befuddled and alcoholic owner, you would have had a classic on your hands. However, the bulk of the movie deals with (for no apparent reason) a crooked mayor named Silverdale. Mayor Silverdale babbles endlessly about recreating and keeping the past alive in his town and uses this as a reason to refuse to sell mining leases to Barnstable who represents a powerful mining company. As fascinating as all this non-wheeling and dealing is, I paid my money to find out exactly what the hell a Godmonster was! Continue reading “Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973)” →