My Smurfy Valentine (1982)

If Valentine’s Day is a stressful exercise in having your failed existence shoved in your face for loser blockheads like Charlie Brown (as was so lovingly depicted in Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown), it’s positively apocalyptic for us beautiful people! This was never illustrated to better effect than in My Smurfy Valentine, which saw Smurfette desperately attempting to come to grips with the nightmarish reality of Valentine’s Day in her strange blue-hued world Continue reading “My Smurfy Valentine (1982)”

Incoming (2018)

In space, no one can hear you drop the soap in the prison shower! Incoming, a Serbia-lensed (and most obviously, Serbia-budgeted) film features a concept so stunningly stupid, you’re amazed it took all the way until 2018 for a bottom-feeding action movie to come up with it!

You know how we got all these terrorists running around these days? And how we need information from the ones we capture about their future plans and organizational structure? But since they’re hard core fanatics, they usually aren’t willing to provide any useful intel even when we offer sweet deals such as reducing their sentence from 114 life sentences to 99 life sentences?

We also can’t go all Jack Bauer on them because everyone with a conscience starts screaming about the Geneva Convention! Heck, it’s gotten so bad on the terror fighting front that people even complain when we call torture “enhanced interrogation” instead! Damn, when did everyone get so sensitive? Continue reading “Incoming (2018)”

You’re in the Super Bowl, Charlie Brown! (1994)

When this football-themed Peanuts special was released in January of 1994 (a promotional tie-in by NBC for its broadcast of Super Bowl XXVIII later that month), it was the 37th Peanuts TV special and even without the benefit of having seen the previous 36 installments, it is easily the worst of the lot.

Featuring a borderline non-existent story, mercilessly padded with repetitive nonsense and the total failure to even make an effort to pretend this is anything related to the Peanuts universe, you’ll wander out of a viewing in a daze, astonished that a 25 minute animated special could leave you failing the concussion protocol. Continue reading “You’re in the Super Bowl, Charlie Brown! (1994)”

Attrition (2018)

As the latest quarterly under-the-radar action movie release from Steven Seagal unfolded in comfortably familiar fashion with Steve leading a team of mercs on a mission to take down a human trafficking ring resulting in lots of scum getting shot, Seagal using his special ops hand signals that really just signal how awesome he is and of course failing in their mission to rescue a woman being held prisoner, I watched with bemused anticipation.

With Seagal’s over-the-top narration about how horrible war is and him retreating to a cave to grow a long beard and praying to a statue of Buddha in an effort to find peace with the terrible things he’s done, I knew we were in for an elite edition of Steven Seagal Self-Indulgent Theater. Continue reading “Attrition (2018)”

International Airport (1985)

I’m sure Airport resonated with the fossils who saw it when it first came out way back in 1970. Back in those days, you could slap Burt Lancaster’s name on a movie poster and people would pay to see just about anything, even a movie where he just drove back and forth from his office to different parts of airport!

In those more innocent/clueless days gone by, you could watch a sweaty nervous guy just bring a primitive bomb onto a plane and think “shoot, that could probably happen about six or seven times a week at any old airport!” There were probably even folks back then who actually owed some of star Dean Martin’s record albums! Continue reading “International Airport (1985)”

The Concorde… Airport ’79 (1979)

Joe Patroni is back! The spiritual center of the Airport series (strictly by default since he’s the only recurring character in all four films) completes a journey that began in the original Airport when he was the chief mechanic who helped shovel out a snowbound plane on Runway 29. Since that blizzardy night, he’s become an executive at a different airline, gone on to be a liaison between the military and yet another company, before finally settling in at a fourth airline as a pilot who now magically has 30 years experience flying all manner of aircraft! Continue reading “The Concorde… Airport ’79 (1979)”

Avalanche (1978)

An avalanche of stock footage and primitive special effects conspire to bury poor bloated Rock Hudson’s career in this Roger Corman-produced late 70s entry in the disaster film canon. And while the avalanche sequence, regardless of how unconvincingly it was edited, at least provided the only moments of excitement, the film otherwise seemed intent on putting so little effort into even the expected tropes of the genre you barely were given a chance to laugh at the characters’ various crises! Continue reading “Avalanche (1978)”