Meteor (1979)

Despite being derided as being so terrible that it helped create its own mass extinction level event (the end of the 1970s disaster movie genre), if we’re being honest, Meteor is a painfully accurate depiction of what would happen if the Earth was about suffer a large asteroid impact.

Namely, that our heroes would push a few buttons, turn some dials, and watch countdown clocks and computer monitors until the giant rock either hit us or it didn’t while bustling around huffing and puffing to disguise the fact that they really had nothing to do but stand around with their thumb in their asses the whole time. Continue reading “Meteor (1979)”

The War of the Gargantuas (1966)

The War of the Gargantuas is really the story of unfulfilled potential, dreams dashed and a sinking back into slimy obscurity. While the film ostensibly focuses on the titular gargantuas (and rightfully so because who doesn’t love watching grown men in ratty-looking hairy ape suits push each other around), it is the sad tale of Giant Octopus that lingers long after the last model tank has been thrown and the last smug line has been spoken by a clearly unhappy Russ Tamblyn. Continue reading “The War of the Gargantuas (1966)”

Garfield’s Thanksgiving (1989)

Its bland zone-out-if-you’re-not-hyper-focused ugly-looking animated specials like Garfield’s Thanksgiving that make you long for a Rankin-Bass or Peanuts holiday classic or at the very least, the unhinged antics of the Family Circus. Based on a comic strip of unexplained popularity, it apparently revolves around a surly cat obsessed with food, his brain damaged dog pal and human owner (Jon) who can only be charitably described as a clueless loser. Continue reading “Garfield’s Thanksgiving (1989)”

Intergalactic Thanksgiving or Please Don’t Eat the Planet (1979)

Cosmic farmers invade a planet inhabited by a civilization that prizes clowning around above all else! What sort of war of the worlds will occur when the humorless Spademinders spend all their waking hours planting crops while King Goochi desperately clings to power trying (and failing miserably) to freshen up his stand up act? Continue reading “Intergalactic Thanksgiving or Please Don’t Eat the Planet (1979)”

Humanoids from the Deep (1996)

This remake of the original 1980 Humanoids from the Deep takes a big soggy saltwater dump all over the terrible reputation of the original, a wimpy clone completely worse in every way, its only good parts being footage lifted from its mean and nasty progenitor.

Roundly criticized for its grim and humorless attitude, violence and gore, barely explored Native American rights vs. modern industry story, and most especially its explicit rape scenes by people who apparently have no idea what an exploitation or grindhouse movie is, the 1980 version still stands tall as the uncompromising entertaining trash it was designed to be precisely because of all those things. The 1996 version? It’s mainly remembered for the people who were pissed when they bought it thinking it was the original instead. Continue reading “Humanoids from the Deep (1996)”

Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

If you’re foolish and read the mainstream media’s criticism of Humanoids from the Deep, you’d likely come away thinking the film is nothing more than a cynically violent exercise in sleazy exploitation film making, made worse than the usual trash because of all the raping the Humanoids do. That’s not wrong of course.

Even after having just watched this filthy drek for the seventh time, I feel as slimy as if I’d just been molested by these deep sea sex maniacs, too! But all that misses the point of the film. And that of course is exposing the dangers of genetically modified salmon! Continue reading “Humanoids from the Deep (1980)”

Bride of Scarecrow (2019)

You are cordially invited to the wedding a century in the making! It’s one the guests are positively dying to get into! And the reception after the ceremony? It’s literally on fire! But what about the bride’s boyfriend? You know, the guy that isn’t the murderous scarecrow that she’s marrying! Well, he’s been tied up and will be quasi-officiating it despite being unconscious!

And while the nuptials are taking place in the barn the scarecrow has been killing people in, he’s enough of a traditionalist that he makes sure to fulfill the “something borrowed” aspect of things by stealing the boyfriend’s ring to give to his sobbing, I mean blushing, bride! Continue reading “Bride of Scarecrow (2019)”