Author: monsterhunter

The Doll Squad (1973)

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The Doll Squad is an all-girl squad of secret agents who do battle against some fruit cake intent on spreading bubonic plague via some rats. The villain’s most nefarious scheme though was walking around his swinging bachelor pad hideout with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest while it was drenched in his own flop sweat!

Uh, if you’re about to take over the world, can’t you either get an antiperspirant that works or at least a fresh shirt, you stinky bitch? Talk all you want about bringing the world to its knees, but I can’t stop gagging at your Frisbees, sweathog. Continue reading “The Doll Squad (1973)” →

10 Violent Women (1982)

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I was too grossed out by these chicks to actually count them, but I’m pretty sure that at no time in this movie from Ted V. Mikels (we’re still trying to forget him from the killer cat food movie, The Corpse Grinders and that other ugly chick movie, The Doll Squad) was there ever a gang of girls that amounted to ten. This girl gang of disaffected miners seemed to hover at about six or seven, but with all the murky night shots that took place early in the film, Teddy might have snuck in a few extras without me noticing. Continue reading “10 Violent Women (1982)” →

Au Pair Girls (1972)

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According to the liner notes, Au Pair Girls was trying to capitalize on a fad that was sweeping across Britain at the time. Supposedly it was the “in” thing to do to have yourself an au pair girl. I guess some genius came up with the idea that since British women were so fugly, they would import chicks from better looking countries (Denmark, Sweden, the South Pacific) to come and do light household chores around the home. Light household chores like the husband. Continue reading “Au Pair Girls (1972)” →

Johnny Shiloh (1963)

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That not many folks remember John Lincoln Clem (codename Johnny Shiloh) and his patriotism anymore is a testament to how much this country has become pansified by all the anti-war do-gooders that seem to sprout up whenever Democracy needs to lay a whupping on someone.

Thankfully, another great American, Walt Disney, used his Disneyland TV show to dramatize Johnny’s adventures back in 1963. Demonstrating a commitment to Johnny’s legacy as well as to the burgeoning home video market of the 1980s, the Walt Disney Company also thankfully saw fit to edit both episodes into a 90 minute movie and release it on VHS for real Americans to savor! Continue reading “Johnny Shiloh (1963)” →

Toby Tyler, or Ten Weeks with a Circus (1960)

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Toby Tyler PosterToby is just a little kid who doesn’t ask for much. He’s poor and lives with relatives who hate him, but he is super-stoked when the circus rolls in to town. And this isn’t some newfangled circus that hands out coupons at the local grocery store. This is a full-blown, traveling circus that comes right up Main Street, U.S.A. in all its brightly colored glory. In short, exactly the sort of kick ass circus any brat with a cruddy home life would run away with. Continue reading “Toby Tyler, or Ten Weeks with a Circus (1960)” →

Raiders of the Magic Ivory (1988)

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Raiders of the Magic Ivory Italian PosterWhy pay a couple of mercenaries $125,000 up front to get a magic tablet when you just send your own man along to betray them and steal the tablet? Especially when you’ve already gone to the trouble of having one of them break the other out of prison? And even more especially since the only unique skill set either of the mercs bring to the job is an ability to shoot stuff which is only exceeded by their talent for swearing?

Couldn’t all the hired thugs you have on staff at your compound have done that? And without the nasty habit of hunting you down for revenge after the double cross? (Please tell me it wasn’t to avoid paying the remaining $125,000 you were to remit upon delivery of the tablet.) Continue reading “Raiders of the Magic Ivory (1988)” →

Demetrius and the Gladiators (1954)

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Nine months after Richard Burton was harassed into becoming a Christian by a red beach towel in The Robe, Hollywood decided it was time for a sequel. Since this whole Christian thing worked out so well for Burton and co-star Jean Simmons (you might recall they ended up on the wrong end of the archery field at the end of The Robe), it was left to Victor Mature to run around squawking about this robe and how it can just butt out of his life when things get rough.

Everyone’s favorite character in this movie (well, aside from the robe – it’s kind of hard to be a real Christian and not pick the robe) is Strabo, the tough but lovable guy that runs the gladiator school and played by Ernest Borgnine. Continue reading “Demetrius and the Gladiators (1954)” →