Author: monsterhunter

Holocaust 2000 (1977)

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You know, the Antichrist gets a lot of bad publicity. Everyone seems to get all caught up in his role in the End Times, bemoaning his pure evil while ignoring his good qualities. I speak chiefly of his willingness to fight anyone, anywhere. Here’s the thing – I may not entirely agree with the Antichrist’s politics or the way he handles his business, but the guy is out there taking everyone’s best shot, movie after movie. In the years 1976-1978 alone, he battled Gregory Peck, William Holden, and Kirk Douglas!

Douglas was beginning a phase in his career that fellow film legend Charlton Heston suffered through in the early 1970s. I’m speaking of course about having to headline humiliating genre films.

In retrospect, Chuck probably fared better since Planet Of The Apes has proven to be a classic and there are undoubtedly fans of Soylent Green and even The Omega Man.

Kirk’s three entries in this dubious club? The Italian-made Holocaust 2000, The Fury, and Saturn 3. Ouch! Continue reading “Holocaust 2000 (1977)” →

The Great Mouse Detective (1986)

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What do you need to know about this, the twenty-sixth animated feature from Walt Disney? Just that while there were at least five books starring Basil, the mouse detective, there has only been just this one single movie based on those books. Not a sequel, not a Saturday morning television series, not an Ice Capades version or Broadway show, not even one of those money-grubbing straight to video knock-offs that pop up like a polyp on a middle-aged guy’s colon.

Disney was no doubt smarting from the fact that The Black Cauldron proved an extremely expensive and stinky stew back in 1985. Surely, this cheaper and more conventional tale of a mouse who has to foil the schemes of a rat to take over England with a robot queen built by an expert toy maker, was a very attractive follow up project to try and get back in the black. Continue reading “The Great Mouse Detective (1986)” →

Out for Blood (1992)

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Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Esq. It’s the sort of phrase that conjures up a variety of dream-like images. There’s the one where Don The Dragon is doing research using Westlaw and gets so excited to find a case on point that he karate chops his secretary through the office water cooler. You could also be excused if you imagine The Dragon objecting to some bit of damning testimony so vociferously that he actually splits the counsel table in half while pounding on it for emphasis! And then there’s all those billable hours for “kicking the shit out of hostile witness” and “ex parte beat down of trial judge.”

Considering the positively abominably silly possibilities of forcing The Dragon to actually practice law in a movie, Out For Blood does a good job of not really letting his occupation as attorney have anything to do with the movie. The Dragon’s legal beagle stuff is confined to him wearing a shirt and tie and eyeglasses while sitting in his office once or twice and asking for a case file. He also beats up two thugs at a courthouse. Continue reading “Out for Blood (1992)” →

Out of Reach (2004)

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You know what I like about Steven Seagal? He isn’t afraid to go anywhere in the world to knock the crap out of some scuzz who’s up to no good. He went to Montana to fight an evil militia in The Patriot. He hung out in L.A. to thump some greasy Chechens in Black Dawn. And he even went to Uruguay to thwart a mind control scheme in Submerged. Uruguay? I didn’t even know there was such a place until I saw Seagal hijacking one of their submarines!

Out Of Reach sees Steve jet off to his most exotic locale (and apparently the home country of a lot of the budget) ever! To paraphrase the guy at the airport, “what is your business in Poland, Mr. Seagal? Business or pleasure? Or a sword fight to the death?”

The climatic sword fight though is only one of many memorable moments in a movie that punches all the right Seagal-Straight-to-Video buttons. Puffed up action hero? Check. Lots of people getting shot? Check. Poorly shot tae kwan fu fights? Double check! Seagal playing a former CIA employee (his old Company ID actually identified it as something called the CSA, but you know how tricky those black ops types are)? Mega check! Continue reading “Out of Reach (2004)” →

Old Acquaintance (1943)

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There’s only one reason anyone would ever seek out this semi-obscure Bette Davis movie (one of only about 19 that she made during the 1940s alone!) and that can be summed up in one semi-questionable word: catfight! What began a few years before in The Old Maid comes to a throat-throttling head as Bette finally has it out with arch foe Miriam Hopkins.

And by the time Bette gets around to choking the life out of her late in the film, you’re inclined to think that she was peeved that Miriam’s hammy and clueless performance was ruining the movie.

Miriam’s inability to tone down her shrill antics isn’t the sole reason that you end up wishing that she and Bette had just set up a boxing ring on the set of The Old Maid and hashed it out over the lunch hour between set up shots four years before this mess, it’s just the most glaring. Continue reading “Old Acquaintance (1943)” →

My Dog the Thief (1969)

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This is a deservedly-obscure Disney flick from 1969 that features a bunch of has-beens embarrassing their families in a movie about a dog that steals stuff. Most of the movie you’ll spend wondering just what went wrong in each of these people’s lives so that they ended up being outclassed by a St. Bernard.

You’ve got Elsa Lanchester who plays the nosy landlady that doesn’t like dogs. Thirty some odd years prior to this, she was the Bride in Bride Of Frankenstein. Dwayne Hickman, who is best remembered as Dobie Gillis and the younger brother of Daryl Hickman, is the star. There’s also Mary Ann Mobley who was Miss America once upon a time! Continue reading “My Dog the Thief (1969)” →

Nightmare Beach (1989)

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Who is the deranged maniac that’s killing off all the spring breakers in south Florida? And by “all the spring breakers” I mean one hitchhiker, one biker babe, one call girl, one peeping tom, one all-conference wide receiver, and one spring breaker.

Is it the corrupt and perpetually pissed off police chief with bondage gear and photos of dead girls in his trailer? Is it the mayor who’s trying to keep a lid on the killings so as not to hurt business? Is it the reverend who constantly nags his ugly daughter to go to church and stop drinking Old Milwaukee?

Or maybe it’s the biker leader who got the electric chair for a crime he didn’t commit. Or perhaps it’s the alcoholic doctor who shoots himself while he’s on the phone with the mayor. Okay, it’s probably not him. Continue reading “Nightmare Beach (1989)” →