What’s the perfect gift for a one man army? The One Man Army Gun of course! Sensibly code-named Omega (you’ll likely have already killed everyone with Omega before you can announce its official name during battle), it’s an automatic rifle, machine gun, grenade launcher, has a mini-missile and comes with built-in radio so that you can proudly broadcast all your carnage to your envious friends whose Omega hasn’t been delivered yet! Continue reading “Fireback (1983)”
Author: monsterhunter
Nemesis 4: Death Angel (1996)
A war between man and machine that has raged for more than a century! A war that’s been fought all over the world from the jungles of Java to the wastelands of East Africa! A war that has seen the very fabric of time torn in freaking half like some sort of hapless phonebook owned by gargantuanly muscled she-freak star Sue Price!
Finally, in this fourth and concluding chapter, this war comes to an annihilating conclusion that will answer all your questions, satisfy all your desires, give closure to that eternal conflict between technology and its creators, and generally totally atomize your unworthy ass with its 70 minutes of nonstop talking, standing around, and bodybuilder boobs!
Nemesis 3: Time Lapse (1996)
Most film directors usually feel compelled to adhere to a strictly “beginning, middle, and end” format to their movies even though we all know real life is just a bunch of rehashed flashbacks! Director Albert Pyun recognizes this and ingeniously combines his greatest works into one audaciously substandard mangled up cyborg of a movie with Nemesis 3: Time Lapse!
Nemesis 2: Nebula (1995)
Nemesis 2: Nebula is twice as Nemesiser as Nemesis, taking everything that was awesome about the first movie (nothing) and just jacking it up with upgrades that could only come from director/writer Albert Pyun!
Gone are the chase scenes through the steaming jungles of Java! Now, all your chasing will happen in the much more Spartan east African desert! Well, it’s really the Spartan Arizona desert, but both of them start with the letter “A” so it’s all pretty much the same, right? Continue reading “Nemesis 2: Nebula (1995)”
Nemesis (1992)
Throughout our world’s future history, cyborgs have tried again and again to rise up against their fleshy masters and take control of our planet! They’ve repeatedly hatched all manner of schemes in an attempt to replace us for no real reason other than because they are pure mechanical evil!
Inevitably though, their plans always seem to break down into a mess of exposed wires, fluid, and ripped off arms. In fact, they never seem to take over much of anything except the market on leather pants and sunglasses. But now, Nemesis has arrived! Continue reading “Nemesis (1992)”
The House of Witchcraft (1989)
At the beginning of this movie when I saw the scene of our hero discovering a witch dumping his severed head in her kitchen cauldron, I thought “awesome scene! Too bad we don’t get to see that more than once!”
Toward the end of the movie when I saw the scene of our hero discovering a witch dumping his severed head in her kitchen cauldron, I thought “awesome scene! Too bad we don’t get to see that more than twice!”
Then, at the very end the of the movie when I saw the scene of our hero discovering his new girlfriend was a witch and that she had a relative with a maggot-encrusted skull who chopped his head off with a scythe so that she could dump his severed head in her kitchen cauldron, I thought “this is like the special extended edition director’s cut of a scene that I’ve already sat through twice!” Continue reading “The House of Witchcraft (1989)”
The Master of Ballantrae (1953)
Did you know that Errol Flynn had a seedier, puffier, older brother also named Errol? Me neither, but he tried to follow in his more glamorous and roguish brother’s footsteps by starring in a movie about Scottish dudes getting worn out by the British Empire and turning tail and becoming pirates in beautiful Tortuga Bay. Oh wait – that was Errol Flynn in this movie! Continue reading “The Master of Ballantrae (1953)”