Category: 1980s

Inseminoid (1981)

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It’s admittedly a tough break for the space archeologists investigating the ruins on an alien world in a cave that the only thing they find is some strange markings on a wall, an exploding batch of evil crystals and an alien running a fertility clinic. With the team’s creepy doctor injecting all the women with birth control drugs, that’s like the last thing they need!

Being the disciplined and well trained group of explorers they are though, once team members start turning up dead, becoming possessed killers, and getting knocked up by horny aliens, their hours of drilling for just such worst case scenarios pays off as they coolly manage each successive crisis, right? Continue reading “Inseminoid (1981)” →

Dark Mansions (1986)

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So how did Yvette, wife of shipping scion Jason Drake really die when she plunged from the bluffs outside her home? Was it suicide as her snippy sister-in-law Jessica claimed? Or did she get too close to the edge picking flowers and she slipped out of Jason’s desperate grasp in the version he related?

But wait, his crabby brother Phillip claims Jason pretty much killed her and lured her to edge and didn’t do anything to stop her! And who could forget her son Nicholas came up with a version where she was picking flowers for him and she got too close to the edge despite his warnings? Okay, we should probably forget that account since it came after his blind cousin used her supernatural powers to hypnotize him into recovering this memory after he also recovered the “memory” of being born with a dead twin he never knew had. (Even the blind cousin’s dog looked flummoxed by it all during its reaction shots someone thought was a good idea to edit into the sequence.) Continue reading “Dark Mansions (1986)” →

The Vegas Strip War (1984)

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It’s all out freaking war on the Vegas Strip! No, it isn’t mined one-armed bandits dispensing death instead of coins or croupiers painting the green felt red with the blood of hapless whales! It’s much more heinous than all that!

It’s Sharon Stone in an early role as Sarah, the girlfriend/casino worker, who nonchalantly tells her boyfriend/casino owner about how she sometimes decides to turn tricks. It’s James Earl Jones humiliating himself in a Don King fright wig, frequently accusing people of not liking him because of his race, thus forcing the accused to list all the other reasons they really don’t like him. And saddest of it, it’s Rock Hudson near the end of his life (and looking every bit of it), busting his ass to convince us that his character, casino operator Neil Chaine, is somehow a decent and honorable man as well as a ruthless businessman out to destroy the former business partners who done him wrong! Continue reading “The Vegas Strip War (1984)” →

The Haunting of Sarah Hardy (1989)

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Poor Sarah Hardy had the worst funeral ever! I don’t mean the one they had for her. She was too busy faking her death to worry too much about that one. I’m talking about the one that happened 15 years earlier for her beloved father. No doubt that was a downer, but then her crazy mom had to go and ruin a perfectly good mourning buzz by causing multiple scenes! Continue reading “The Haunting of Sarah Hardy (1989)” →

Monster Shark (1984)

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It was touch and go for awhile, but in the end Monster Shark persevered and got the win. Oh, I don’t mean he beat his human assailants. He got his prehistoric ass torched by an army of flamethrowers because we decided blowing him up wasn’t good enough. I mean that Monster Shark got more kills than the humans did.

Shockingly for a movie about an evil rampaging sea monster, the humans were killing each other at the same clip as that crusty old barnacle of a hideous beast was. It wasn’t until the very end when he wracked up a bunch of cheap kills during the final showdown that he pulled out the win. Continue reading “Monster Shark (1984)” →

Casablanca Express (1989)

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Pop quiz hotshot. You have a runaway train pointed at your platoon. What do you do? What do you do? Turns out to be a real easy question to answer for a Johnny Yank who’s on the the other train with his platoon. You take your bazooka and blow the piss out of it and the dirty no-good Kraut driving it! Give my regards to Uncle Adolph, you jackbooted, bratwurst sucking, Aryan dog turd!

Truth be told though, in Casablanca Express, our guys really didn’t kick as much Axis tail as I would have liked, but that was because super duper British secret agent Alan Cooper was doing a lot of it. And really, if it isn’t red-blooded Americans shooting, stabbing, and cussing out Nazis, there’s no one I would rather see do it than a British guy played by Connery. Jason Connery. Continue reading “Casablanca Express (1989)” →

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

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In the far future, the world has descended into chaos! It is a time of sorcery! It is a time of flying motorbikes and laser guns! It is a time of mutants! And most mind-shatteringly of all, it is time of people walking around! And standing around! And talking! And driving! This is the grubby, dull and economically budgeted world that Jared-Syn wants to rule!

But there is one Ranger, a Finder (whatever that means!) named Dogen, who has the guts (and leather pants) to hunt Jared-Syn down in his mountain fortress and talk all the guys with deformed faces out of naming Jared-Syn as their new chief. (Admittedly, Jared-Syn doesn’t help his cause much when he claims Dogen is lying about him just being all about the power and making everyone his slaves when moments later he announces that he is their master.) Continue reading “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)” →