Category: 1990s

The Sender (1998)

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Sender DVD CoverSend it back please! Way back! All the way back to the darkest parts of the known universe! Or at least to co-stars Dyan Cannon or Robert Vaughn’s mansions!

The Sender is idiotic on an interstellar level and is so awful it doesn’t know when to end insisting instead to aimlessly ramble on for ten minutes after Area 51 has been blown to smithereens! You would think that director Richard Pepin would be itching to bail out since the movie’s story only putrefied more and more as it went along, but there he is giving us scenes of poorly realized aliens waving and endless reunion and goodbye moments like he was getting paid a bonus for surpassing the 90 minute mark! Continue reading “The Sender (1998)” →

Rhythm and Passion (1990)

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Rhythm and Passion VHS CoverSmartly mixing the Lambada craze of 1989 (or about two weeks of 1989 at least), ingeniously inept filmmaking by an unknown Italian director (he twice uses the same pointless shot of star Andy J. Forest hanging up the phone where the camera pans up from the phone, over Andy’s crotch and finally up to Andy’s typically corpse-like expression he wears throughout the film), and a conspiracy involving a garbage truck, Lambada (released for the U.S. home video market as Rhythm and Passion, probably to avoid confusion with Cannon Films‘ own 1990 movie called Lambada) is a sweaty, panty-flashing, occasionally topless experience so adroitly malformed that the main characters don’t matter, the whole reason they are in Brazil is mostly ignored, and the big dance contest to end the movie is a contest only in the sense that there is a bunch of dancing, a banner announcing said contest, and a passing reference to the bad guy having 98 points. Continue reading “Rhythm and Passion (1990)” →

Hologram Man (1995)

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It’s hologram vs. hologram in a battle for all of Los Angeles! Two men digitized to fighting perfection pull out all the stops as they wreak havoc up and down the city, guns blazing, cars exploding, and lightning bolts shooting out of their hands in an effort to take control of L.A. back from the evil corporation that has taken over! Even better though than it being a hologram against hologram situation is that it is also a war between a couple of guys with fine low budget action resumes and girlishly long hair that you just know they spend all kinds of time conditioning! Continue reading “Hologram Man (1995)” →

Mercenary (1996)

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Olivier Gruner faces his toughest mission ever! He must infiltrate the mountain fortress of the most feared terrorist on the planet, the evil Russian known as Phoenix! Phoenix is backed up the meanest assemblage of ex-Eastern European bad asses ever conceived in this dimension! He’s armed with the latest devastating weapons like SAM missiles that make any invasion of his hideout nothing short of pure suicide! And he’s already beat Olivier at his own game years before! But the tough part of Olivier’s mission is that he has take an out of shape and whiny John Ritter along for the ride!

John Ritter? You mean the dead guy who was on Three’s Company? The guy who finished up his career in one of those lame sitcoms playing one of those befuddled dads that always seem to be outwitted by their hot teenage daughter? Continue reading “Mercenary (1996)” →

Deep Blood (1990)

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Warning! This film may be too intense for toddlers used to their shark attack movies only having two actual shark attacks in them! Deep Blood though dials its dorsal fin destruction all the way up to three! Of course the youngsters in the crowd will more than likely be traumatized by the inexpertly edited scenes of people thrashing in red water intercut with stock footage of a shark yawning majestically more than the demise of characters we barely knew or who were such tools, we were hoping that that crazy Indian who told the tale of the giant sea monster the Gods sent to kick our ass was totally 100% true! Continue reading “Deep Blood (1990)” →

Operation Delta Force (1997)

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I’m not really going to blame the Delta Force boys for the shoulder-shrugging inducing mission that kicks off the Operation Delta Force pentology. After all, they gave it their all, whether it was blowing up a village while cruising through it in their rocking dune buggies, dropping off a big ass bridge to ambush some boats, or even battling through a mild case of extremely virulent Ebola to retrieve some serum to stop all the flop sweat and bleeding orifices. That it was all in the service of battling against some uninspired South African separatists though was simply a function of them being in the area on training mission. Continue reading “Operation Delta Force (1997)” →

Operation Delta Force 2: Mayday (1997)

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When the normally taciturn and perpetually granite-faced Captain Skip Lang of Delta Force addressed his team about their concerns for him leading a rescue mission where his father was being held hostage on a Russian submarine and told them simply, “it’s a long story guys, basically me and my father, we don’t talk” on the one hand I was loving it! Is there anything more special forces than brushing off all sorts of emotions about your broken relationship with your dad with really abbreviated tough guy talk?

But on the other hand, I was on the edge of my seat praying to the low budget special forces movie gods that Captain Skip would flesh out his long story about why he and his father just can’t admit that they care and respect each other’s choices in life. Continue reading “Operation Delta Force 2: Mayday (1997)” →