I knew I was in trouble right from the beginning when a message appeared on the screen that if this film caused someone to meditate, then it would have been worth the effort. I was pretty sure that when I tracked down a copy of The Web Of Silence – A.I.D.S., it was because it was an Italian movie that was going to either gross me out or make me laugh and hopefully both. I was also pretty sure that I didn’t buy it because I was in need of meditation inspiration. That’s what my day job is for. Continue reading “The Web of Silence – A.I.D.S. (1994)”
Category: 1990s
Pinocchio’s Revenge (1996)
The real villain in Pinocchio’s Revenge is of course the mother, Jennifer. While it is either her crazy daughter Zoey, her killer puppet Pinocchio or a combination of both of them killing everyone (and by “everyone” I mean exactly two), Jennifer is the self-absorbed defense attorney who allows it all to happen even when she is presented with videotaped evidence that her daughter is insane.
Most parents upon seeing video of their kid arguing with a puppet about who really hurt the boyfriend would be understandably upset, but would also surely see the child needs to be locked up until she stops bickering with a wood carving. Jennifer’s response? She threatens to use her legal resources to have the doctor’s license pulled if he tells anyone about his concerns! Typical defense attorney, right? Continue reading “Pinocchio’s Revenge (1996)”
Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (1993)
Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings is the sort of film that when you see famous presidential half-brother Roger Clinton in the opening credits, you cringe at the thought of how his gratuitous presence is going to ruin what would otherwise be a serviceable sequel to a decent horror movie, but by the time of the closing credits, you are thinking that at least the two pointless scenes with Roger Clinton as the mayor with an entourage were goofy enough that you actually remembered them, unlike the rest of what is the ultimate in generic straight-to-video 1990s horror trash. Continue reading “Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (1993)”
Soldier of Fortune (1990)
War Bus Commando is obviously the most famous Johnny Hondo adventure, mainly because it features Johnny Hondo. Soldier Of Fortune is the less famous Johnny Hondo entry in the series though it contains many of the same elements we loved from War Bus Commando: rocky Balkan locations substituting for Afghanistan, stuff blowing up, a funny-looking star, and evil Russians. Unfortunately, it seems destined to never receive the recognition as a great Johnny Hondo movie just because it features a guy named Vincent Miles instead of Johnny Hondo! Continue reading “Soldier of Fortune (1990)”
Hunt for the Golden Scorpion (1991)
In the deepest, most remote part of the Amazon, a treasure is hidden! A treasure so valuable that men would kill for it, women would almost have to undress for it, and entire armies would be destroyed by four people, including a Lebanese treasure hunter, for it! It is an object so chock full of golden awesomeness that an elaborate death trap guards its resting place! Wait a minute, this is an Umberto Lenzi movie starring Andy Forest. Scratch “elaborate death trap” and substitute “one poisonous snake” in its place! Continue reading “Hunt for the Golden Scorpion (1991)”
Empire of the Dark (1990)
Empire of the Dark is like what would happen if your fat, out-of-shape, middle-aged dad who liked to stand around in the yard on the weekends with his douche friends waving swords at each other ever decided that merely being the embarrassment of the neighborhood was insufficient when there was a whole home video market he could be humiliating his relatives in. Hopefully any family members would be smart enough to steer clear of any involvement. After all, the only thing worse than one man having delusions about a career in film is passing those delusions on to his child. In some of our more liberal states, such antics may even amount to child abuse! Continue reading “Empire of the Dark (1990)”
Lighthouse (1999)
This was one of those films that I wanted to like a lot more than I did. The premise had the potential for lots of grim chills. A ship load of prisoners bound for an island prison sinks after hitting some rocks. The survivors take refuge on a nearby island dominated by a lighthouse, a lighthouse that should have warned them about where these rocks were, but for some mysterious reason, the light was out! Continue reading “Lighthouse (1999)”