The Beyond (1981)

Everything starts innocently enough when a mob of angry townspeople in the Louisiana bayous way back in 1927 invade The Seven Doors Hotel and brutalize a painter staying in Room 36. There is also a book involved with the title “Eiobon” which is one of those books that some off screen voice always reads from promising gloom and doom for dopes foolish enough to buy the old Seven Doors Hotel.

To the beginning bed and breakfast owner, it sounds a bit like a money pit. The unscrupulous real estate agent in me though is already trying to figure out how to work “every room comes equipped with a luxurious gateway hell and HBO” into the inevitable listing once the new owners get trapped in the zombie-infested basement! Continue reading “The Beyond (1981)”

Thunder II (1987)

ThunderWarriorIICoverWhen we last saw Thunder, he was shooting arrows into cops, blowing up cars with a bazooka, and demolishing a bank and the police station in his home town with a stolen front end loader. Forced to take the law into his own hands when an Indian burial ground was being desecrated and when his girlfriend was almost raped, Thunder clearly didn’t have the time or patience for the White Man’s law. Especially since it was being enforced by crooked cops who hated Indians! It makes perfect sense then that Thunder II finds Thunder a deputy sheriff! Continue reading “Thunder II (1987)”

The House by the Cemetery (1981)

The House by the Cemetery tells the semi-incoherent tale of the Boyle family who doesn’t have the greatest realtor in the world. Norman Boyle is a professor of something or other at a college in New York City. Along with Norman, the Boyles consist of a drug-dependent wife and a little blonde kid with gigantic lips named Bobby who was dubbed by what sounds like a drag queen with very little aptitude for impersonating males.

Norman’s taken the job of finishing the research of a colleague who has committed suicide and killed his mistress. Norman also wants to look into the suicide. Why do people always want to look into that kind of stuff in these movies? Maybe the dead guy was just nuts!

It doesn’t really matter though in this case since Norm’s investigation consists of hanging out at the library and listening to an audio tape. Continue reading “The House by the Cemetery (1981)”

The New Barbarians (1983)

You can tell by checking out the crotch of the guy running around shooting and/or stabbing people whether your world has slipped into barbarism or not. If he’s just got some jeans on, you’re okay. He’s probably just some disenfranchised loner who hates women or the federal government. But if he’s wearing leather pants or worse, spandex drawers, with a codpiece attached to the outside of them, then you’ve gone and slipped into a world gone mad where the most prized possession is a fertile woman and the only rule is survival! Continue reading “The New Barbarians (1983)”